A recent local news item on combating gender-based violence brought to light the deep-seated reasons that force women to stay in abusive relationships. The survivor of the violence narrated how her partner made her stay in the violent relationship by psychologically abusing her and making her believe that she had no option but to stay with him.
Have you ever asked someone why many women stay in an abusive relationship? Over the years women have given various reasons as to why they were forced to stay in abusive relationships, even when everyone else thought they should leave.
Although these reasons might seem invalid to many, for these women, they were persuaded that they had no choice but to endure being violated. And unless we seriously and empathetically seek to understand these reasons, we will never be able to work towards effective solutions.
The most common reason why women stay in abusive relationships is financial limitation. Think of it this way, the world we live in constantly creates barriers which prevent women from getting jobs and attaining financial stability.
These barriers include limited access to education, discriminative gender norms and roles and harmful traditional practices, especially child marriage. Therefore, in most cases when women get into relationships, they are often forced to be fully reliant on their partners financially.
This in turn prevents them from leaving abusive relationships because leaving will mean that they will not be able to meet their daily needs. Because they have no financial alternatives outside of the relationship, they feel they have no option but to stay.
In some instances, women stay in abusive relationships because of their children. Society has put so much emphasis on having a “complete” family that includes both parents and this, in turn, has made women fear leaving. They believe that by staying, they are giving their children an opportunity to have a father and be raised by both parents.
Our parents have also played a key role in fueling this retrogressive narrative. This is because they are mostly the ones who paint a picture in our minds as we grow up about how a perfect family should look like – what you have to endure does not matter, just as long as you stay and keep your family together.
Damaged self-worth as a result of degrading treatment also prevents women from leaving. Our victim-blaming mentality makes women believe that they are violated because they have done something wrong to deserve it. Constant violence, therefore, makes survivors think that they must either be doing something wrong or they are just not worth being loved by their partners and that is why they are violated
Violence leads to so much fear. Survivors of violence end up being extremely scared of their abusers, which prevents them from leaving. This fear is usually anchored by threats. Abusers usually threaten their victims and use their fear to control them and keep them from leaving. Every time survivors think of leaving, these threats will replay on their minds and terrify them.
Although these reasons for staying are common, they do not fully describe every situation. This is because there are so many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. If only we could listen to the experiences and stories of survivors of violence with compassion and readiness to help instead of judging them, we could make a big difference.
We all need to dig deeper and address these reasons that put women’s lives at risk. We need to address gender-based violence holistically, by factoring in these reasons and being intentional about finding lasting solutions. In doing so, we will be equipping women and girls with the critical tools they need to fully liberate themselves from abusive relationships.
Ms Aoko is a Sexual and Reproductive Health Advocate
