August 13, 2011 – Girls who keep a check list of qualities of their ideal man have been branded choosy and proud but I see them differently.
From where I seat the problem is not the list but what is in the list. Actually I see a big problem with those who have no list. If you don’t know where you are going any road will take you there. Similarly if you have no idea of the kind of man/woman you want for a life partner then any that comes your way will fits the bill.
If you don’t have your version of ‘check list’ it’s time to make one. For those with the ‘tall, dark and handsome’ kind of list it’s time to review it to reality.
Looks are good to attract you, admire and show off but that’s the far they go. To me it should never be top on your list.
Your priority should be to look out for a friend. You should never marry a stranger or someone you barely know otherwise you are never sure whether you can complement each other and or bear with each other. Becoming friends ensures you share a bond beyond the feelings. Short dating denies you this treasure.
Love they say is blind and marriage is the eye opener. The reality of this statement is that so often when we are falling in love we overlook so many things which come out in marriage. In marriage we need character to keep it. Feelings are good but they can’t keep a relationship neither sustain a marriage. At this stage you need is a friend. The first item on your list then is not tall, dark and handsome but ‘a friend.’
For us to live happily thereafter we will require to align our values, goals and desires. This will need us to be of same outlook to life or at least appreciate the version of our spouses. Check out agreement in these as well as a priority.
If you are a Christian dating a Muslim or vice versa you need to ask yourself what you will do about your different religious beliefs.
Although feelings may be telling you that this doesn’t matter I promise you religion it is at the core of a family. Will you want your children to grow up in church or the mosque? If you don’t answer this question soberly and honestly you are likely to fight about it later. Even amongst Christians who attend different churches it is wise to agree while dating the church you will fellowship in as a family.
Ensure that his/her outlook on critical matters such as dealing with money, in laws and property are aligned to yours. if you value joint management of finances and he/she values personal management then you need to evaluate your choice.
The other question you need to answer is: To what extent do you appreciate each other’s career path and dreams? During dating it is good to prospect career demands and paths and see if each can handle them and sacrifice for the other. Are you for example as a man willing to let your nurse wife work at night shift as you look after the children?
Does his business ethics agree or compromise your values? These and other career questions are critical issues to consider.
I agree his/her looks are important but over concentrating on them might make you lose a dear friend whose values and ambitions complement yours who would have been a jewel to share your life with.
Having passed the test of having a friend, agreeing on values and the obvious looks thing, it is also critical that you evaluate the extended family. Does he/she support his/her family and for how long is this likely to take. The issue here is to evaluate whether you can put up with that.
I remember having a conversation with my wife about family support to our respective families. We had had to face reality and agree how far we can go. That conversation comes in handy today.