It’s 2022 and the chance that you’ve heard of the 5 Love Languages and you know your top Love language, is very likely. But just in case you live somewhere without internet, or books or people to have relations with then here’s a recap of the 5 Love languages.
They are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Physical touch
- Quality time
The thing about Love Languages is that you feel the most loved when the people you care for the most love you exactly the way you want to be loved. For example, if your Love Language is Acts of Service and your partner who rarely helps around the house randomly takes the garbage out without being asked or reminded… that will be your partner telling you they love you and at that moment you will feel like they do love and care for you.
Now, not so many people are familiar with or have heard of the 5 Apology languages.
The 5 Apology Languages is a creation of Dr. Gary Chapman, he of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts in conjunction with Dr. Jennifer Thomas.
Just like the Love Languages, the Apology Languages are ways we heal hurt and ways we want others to heal our hurt. By knowing the apology language of your friend or family member or partner or even coworker, you can apologize to them more effectively in the way that means most to them.
The five apology languages are listed in Dr. Chapman and Dr. Thomas’s book, When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right With Those You Love (previously named The Five Languages of Apology), and they are:
- Expressing regret
- Requesting Forgiveness
- Making restitution
- Planned change
- Accepting responsibility
Living in harmony with each other almost beats every other feeling necessary to humankind. If you’re interested in knowing your apology language, you can take The Apology Language Quiz.
1. Expressing Regret
This apology language zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is all about admitting guilt and expressing that you wish you hadn’t caused someone hurt. If this is your preferred apology language then all you’re looking for is a simple “I’m sorry”.
It is simply a way of taking ownership of the wrong and it is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. In this apology style, there’s no need for further explanations and questions of how you can make things better just as long as the apology comes from the heart. It’s about getting to the point without making excuses or attempts to deflect blame.
According to the two authors, the “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.
2. Requesting Forgiveness
This apology language requires physical presence as the person being apologized to needs assurance that the other person recognizes the need for forgiveness. This is because asking for forgiveness shows that you realize you’ve done wrong and are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the person you offended.
To request forgiveness, you may simply ask the other person to forgive you for what you’ve done but you may also want to add something like “but it’s up to you” when asking as it is important to remember that there’s a difference between REQUESTING for and DEMANDING forgiveness. Demanding for forgiveness would mean forgetting the nature of forgiveness which is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding it takes away the sincerity of the apology.
Keep in mind that requesting forgiveness often leaves one vulnerable to rejection, which makes requesting forgiveness a difficult task. Requesting forgiveness means admitting that you have failed. It is important to note that asking for forgiveness will help you become a healthy individual as we all do wrong from time to time and it is important to notice when you’re failing.
Remember that the act of forgiveness is hard on both ends; the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.
3. Making Restitution
If making restitution is your loved one’s apology language then chances are they want you to make the situation right. Many people believe that wrong acts demand justice and a person who speaks this love language feels the same towards apologies. For your apology to be valid, the person apologizing should justify their actions.
For example, if you lost something they lent you and was valuable to them, you could offer to pay for it.
Chapman and Thomas explain that… “For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitution, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.”
4. Planned Change
For one to genuinely repent, they should acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused to someone and be willing to do better next time. Planned change is the convincing factor in an apology for some people and the sincerity of an apology might be doubted if it is not accompanied by modified behavior. Please remember that your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.
According to Chapman and Thomas… “It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving change fail because the person never establishes steps of action to help ensure success. Taking baby steps towards change instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.”
5.Accepting Responsibility
It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth because I mean, no one likes to be portrayed as a failure.
Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your person to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere. Admitting you are wrong is not something easy to do.
By accepting responsibility, you’re acknowledging you’re at fault for hurting the other person. Owning your actions as hurtful is key with this style of apology.
You can do this by saying something like, “I’m so sorry I told someone else about your difficult situation. I didn’t mean it in a malicious way but I will be more mindful of your privacy next time.”
So, what’s your apology language?