The sad moment in one’s academic life when you just can’t seem to understand stuff however hard you try. You stare at a page for hours on end but all you keep doing is drifting away. The fact that you may have an exam just a night away does not make matters any better. Self pity sinks in and you begin wondering whether the stuff you’re reading is hard or maybe you’re just too dense….sigh!
I am going through the exact same state of mind at the moment and I have reached the stage where I have resigned to the fact that my cognitive abilities may not be as good as I had earlier on envisioned. Perhaps the effects of wear and tear have become too drastic for my brain to handle. Maybe I am indeed growing stupid and who knows what will happen next? And the questions begin racing across my mind, what if I turn into Reece from Malcolm in the Middle?? What if C’s will be the best I ever get? What If I turn into Blondie who has no inkling of how the earth originated? (Hypothetically, this would be impossible seeing as I am African in every aspect)
What if I turned into Nick from My Family…what if??
I can’t help but ponder on what my fate would be if such were to happen. If I had the drop dead gorgeous looks then perhaps a rich bloke somewhere would consider having me as a trophy wife and it would have worked out just fine. But then again, here I am an average Jane by all means in the looks department, I have nothing exceptional, well, except maybe for my hair; I have no incredible talents or gifts, neither do I have skills that other normal human beings do not have. If by the devil’s wishes I were to be just a wee bit denser than I am, then my middle name would spell “disaster”.
I may not be as smart as Einstein in the Science domain; neither do I have a vast understanding of Philosophy and Astronomy. Heck, I am not a literature maverick, neither am I anywhere nearly as good as Dickens, Ibsen, Shakespeare and the likes. I definitely ain’t the next Marie Curie neither do I foresee myself innovating stuff and turning into Steve Jobs. Were I good in sports perhaps there would have been a bit of hope…but well, here I am, stuck in between. I don’t know what I am or am not anymore. I keep telling myself that I am headed in the right direction but quite frankly, I don’t even know which damn path I am treading on. I am a bit of everything, all shades of colour, quite confused and undecided. I know I can’t have everything, yet, I am too afraid to let go…What if I let go of the most important things and hold on to that which is utterly useless? And so I choose to keep everything within arm’s reach, trying to be everything at the same damn time. I am basically a walking transformer on overload.
I know it is an unwise move…I know I should live one step at a time…I know. But fear gnaws the depths of my soul, the grace to carry it through is lacking. Maybe I do need help, maybe I am psycho…but then again, maybe I am not half as stupid as I think I am. Sure, I am not Marie Curie, but I have the ability to transform my thoughts into words, I can tackle a few sums here and there. That’s all I need to be happy really. It could’ve been a lot worse, darker and hopeless. I know I am not the best, there are millions out there better than I am, but there can only be one person who is best at being me, and that is me. Gibberish, I know, but a girl needs to remind herself that she is still worth the salt every once in a while….
