Marriage is a big step in a relationship and in one’s life.
It signifies the commitment of love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. It also involves the union of two families and not just two people. So before diving into a lifetime commitment, it makes sense, then, that the two of you should stop and discuss the most essential issues.
Whether your wedding is months or years away, it’s important to take this time not only to plan and prepare for a beautiful wedding, but also get ready for a lasting healthy marriage. Have a very open and honest conversation with your partner. It’s a daunting task because it’s really difficult to ask questions to which you may not want to hear answers. You might squirm and wrestle with some uncomfortable ideas that exist in your partners head…. and your own. But the answers will help you know your partner better, uncover- needs, dreams and expectations for your life together that you hadn’t considered.
Here is a look at four conversation topics and questions you must have with your partner before marriage. The answers to these questions can help determine if the two are truly aligned, and could mean the difference between solidifying your bond together or raising some red flags.
1.Children
You can not presume that your potential life partner will want to have children. There was a time when having kids was sort of a given thing- it was simply expected of you, no questions asked.
But times are different now. Many people don’t want to have kids- they rather be childfree, and that’s perfectly okay. So if it hasn’t already come up, now it’s the time to discuss whether you want children. But here’s a surprising thing: you shouldn’t stop there. With infertility, becoming more and more commonplace, it’s vital to address this issue upfront. Are you open to adoption or fertility treatments if you’re unable to conceive naturally? How long do you want to try to conceive naturally before trying different options? Issues like these can become serious disputes later on, so it’s critical to discuss them now.
There are many aspects to this topic that would be beneficial to take time and work through. It’s okay to disagree on: How many kids you think you want right now because your answers might change over the years, but it’s still important to touch base now.
2. Sex
Sex is an integral and healthy component of any romantic relationship. Our views of sex and sexuality are shaped long before we commit to marriage. It’s crucial to get comfortable with this topic of conversation, because it’s one you’ll carry on for the rest of your married life. You can’t keep sex off-limits from marriage topics of discussion. You need to know what the other person likes, what fantasies and sexual expectation they have, the extent of experimentation in bed and how much action is good enough for both of you.
Understanding your sexual views and knowing your partner’s, is a valuable part of preparing for intimacy. Mismatched sex drives between partners are commonplace. Biological changes, stress of personal and professional demands and myriad other factors can take a toll on sexual drive and affect both partners at different times. This can mean long dry spells sexually. How do you expect to get your sexual needs met, if your partner is not meeting them?
This question may open doors to sharing your views on strategies for keeping the spark alive or even the idea of consensual non-monogamy such as open marriage. These eventualities must be addressed before you walk down the aisle.
3. Finances
One of the biggest things married couples fight about and one of the most common sources of stress and tension is finances. So many couples get caught in the top of financial stress and struggle because they didn’t take the time to discuss finances. Decide whether you will share a bank account, keep separate accounts or both. Will you each put a certain percentage of your income towards shared bills? Do you have an emergency fund?
Getting on the same page when it comes to money will save you much strain as you soon become one.
4. Extended Family
A healthy relationship with your in-laws is a great thing. Include some family inquiries among the questions to ask your partner. How much time do you expect to spend time with your family once you’re married and potentially have children? How do you plan to spend your holidays? What’s the plan for giving both sets of families equal time with you/your children during major holidays- Christmas and Easter? Do you have a family history of disease or genetic abnormalities? Also when living away from parents, there might come a time when one of them( or both) might need special care and you need to be prepared for that. Yes, very partners would say no to a parent moving in but it’s a good idea to talk about this beforehand.
An elaborate and honest conversation around these things to discuss can give you a clear idea about what your life together will look like.
If you feel hesitant in bringing up these questions on your own or don’t know how to broach some of these sensitive and delicate topics, you can consider pre-marital counseling. An experienced counselor will help you with these and many other discussions that will help you begin your marriage on a stable foundation. Plan your wedding, but most importantly, plan your marriage- because a healthy marriage is something worth truly celebrating.
