How I found love at a strip club

I realized that in the game of business, strippers are some of the well-placed merchants. A stripper is the only business lady who will make you pay for window-shopping the product but still deny you the chance to actually buy it. Other businesspeople always say, “Kuona ni bure.”  That’s not the case with a stripper. She will flaunt her mad skills and goodies at you then tell you, “That’s all. Goodnight.” By then, you have showered her with all your cash and unless you have a wife at home, or are loaded, you end up worse than when you came in – Broke and ‘not satisfied’.  Even if you have a wife at home, you will still have to explain why you came home with the scent of female cologne hovering around you and more importantly, why you came home late.

It’s true that money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. So it’s another Friday evening at campus and once again I’m not sure what to do. This time, however, I’m rich. I’m fresh from a salary from one of my part time jobs and in desperate need of a master plan. I try calling Suzy my crush but she doesn’t pick up.  The second time I try calling she answers with, “I’m busy tonight!.” In the background I clearly hear a hoarse male voice telling her, “Let’s continue baibe.” My morale takes a nose dive. Why do I always miss out on all the women I want?

I then flirt with the idea of calling George, one of my friends. His plans mostly get us into trouble but the thrill lasts for a lifetime. The last time I listened to him, I ended up being beaten with a mop stick by a girl’s father at a house party. I make the risky decision to call him and he tells me about this new world class strip club in Westlands that we can go check out . I’m coy on the idea at first but I finally agree. We meet in town then head to Westlands.

The bouncers are not convinced we are over 21 years so we have to slide a loose Sh500 plus the entrance fee to be allowed in. The club looks pretty cool inside, dimly lit but set alive by a myriad of colored lights. We use the carpeted stairwell with mirror walls and a strong scent of Labrada Caribbean perfume. The floor has specks of gold litter strewed all through. It’s beautiful.

It feels like a blend of hell and paradise inside. Being my first time in an erotic establishment, I’m nervous. Quality titties are flying all over the place to the amusement of well dressed and distinguished men. Revelers range from our age to the age of our grandfathers. We buy bottles of whisky then sit down to watch the main dance at the stage.  Almost immediately, two women approach us.

With a sultry sexy voice that’s accompanied by a girlish giggle; the petite one introduces herself to me as Jane. She wastes no time entangling me with her bare legs. She must have judged that I was loaded. I place my drink on the table and watch in awe as her wondrous assets unravel right in front of me. Within seconds, I fall into an infatuation-induced stupor.

I feel like I am floating. Her full lips, sparkling black eyes, shapely form and the discreet swell of her bosom create a surge of lust in me. The deep heat of her body covers us and she starts grinding me with her thighs. Then she stops. I give her a few notes and she asks me if I would like to go to one of the confined partitions for a more private lap dance. The temptation is hard to suppress. I quickly agree and tell George I’ll be back.

I can feel my chest heaving slightly as she takes further control. Her wild enthusiasm makes me yearn for more. She edges closer to me, her perfect skin glittering through the rainbow lighting. Her long oily hair looks like a million fibres of black silk. I watch as she unclasps her bra and lets it fall down. The view is torturous and exciting in well divided measure. I flinch as her soft palm rubs through my abdomen. Her fingers are slender, encased in finest lace, her nails neat and unblemished.

She leans towards a side table and pours a generous measure of whiskey onto a glass- a position which exposes the entire length of her calves and cleavage. She offers me a sip then wiggles to the tunes of the mellow jazz music that is playing. Her tongue licks her lips and I imagine how that mouth is capable of granting untold pleasures.  I fail to notice that she isn’t drinking with me. Moments later, I start feeling dizzy, everything gets covered with dark mystery then my eyelids shut down.

I wake up minutes later to the sound of heavy commotion. Jane the stripper is nowhere to be seen. I realize I ‘m wearing only shorts. My clothes are missing. My phone and wallet are missing too. I was drugged. Two policemen enter the private confinement. One of them grabs me by the scruff of my neck and slaps me. The other taller cop pushes me towards the wall and handcuffs me.  As I try to figure out what’s happening I notice other people being escorted out of the premises in handcuffs too. It turns out the strip club is unlicensed and a police raid is going on. George is nowhere to be seen,

We are bundled into a police lorry then driven to a police station. I eye-scroll the group but I can’t see Jane or George. I am the only one without clothes and people are staring at me, laughing, despite the predicament that we are all in. Upon arrival at the police station, we are all locked up in one cell.

The cold starts mauling me.  It’s raining heavily outside and the roars of heavy wind continues to pump chills on my bare body. I plead with one of the officers if I can use his phone and after much hesitation, he agrees.  I call my neighbor Michelle since she’s the only person with extra keys to my crib. She also has a heart of gold and I’m certain she’ll help me out. I explain to her my troubles then I ask her to take some money from my crib and come bail me out. Since it’s late in the night, she declines but promises to come in the morning. The night turns out to be a long one.

In the morning, Michelle arrives with the cash and a pair of clothes and shoes for me. She gives the cops 3000 shillings but they refuse. She is forced to add a further 2000 to convince them. They release me.  As we leave, Michelle struggles to control her laughter. Despite helping me, I’m quick to tell her off since I’m in no mood for jokes. As soon as I get home, I shower and get to bed.

I start revaluating my life-the aftermath of a night gone wrong. I just lost a phone worth 15000 shillings plus 2000 shillings that was in my wallet. My full attire that Jane the stripper stripped was worth 5000 shillings, I think. Money had put me in trouble and money had saved me. I wish I had been broke prior to yester-night, so that I wouldn’t have gone to that strip club.

I realize that I found love that night, the moment I regained consciousness and police flocked in. I found love- love for myself. Love for morality, love for my time. The love that will enable me make wise decisions in future, the love that will make me make better use of my money next time. The love that will make me not leave my future wife at home and go to a strip club. I’m now in love with my new personality. I’m forever an anti-strip club guy, and I love it.