Last semester’s dating results

Years ago, while in primary school, teachers taught us a very important principle.  ABC: Avoid Bad Company. Last semester, I ensured I followed that principle. I didn’t read too much, I avoided people who don’t drink and party, I didn’t sit at front of the class anymore and I missed a good number of classes.

My first unit was ‘Get a Wife Material’. Results show a D- Disappointment. Anna is a girl I met on the first semester of third year. She cooked for me and cleaned my crib.  Unfortunately, I lost her number while on holiday and failed to locate her again last semester. KU is a large institution. I hadn’t crammed the number since the wooing process was only just beginning. Her only friend that I know has refused to give her pal’s phone number. I once received a call from a strange number and I was foolish enough to ask, “Who is it?” Nothing turns a lady off more than the realization that you don’t have her number anymore.

My second unit was ‘Have Fun with a Bad Girl’. Bad girls are fun though results show a retake/supplementary. I met Brenda but didn’t quite succeed in seducing her. The major reason for this is that she is a coquette. Coquettes create an unrivalled allure. Once you are trapped into a coquettes den, it’s hard to escape. She controls you. At one point she was offering me things I had never seen before yet at another point she never returned my calls. It’s said that the ability to delay satisfaction is the ultimate form of intrigue. While waiting, the victim is held in thrall. I guess that’s the game she played with me.  I still want more from her and that means unfinished business

My third unit was ‘Till semester do us apart’. Results show a C-Conned. I regret taking this unit. It was an elective and I didn’t have to do it.  After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction – toward lassitude, distrust, disappointment, dissatisfaction. Angel was her name. I was planning to dump her but she dumped me first. She said she was bored with me.

My fourth unit was, ‘Try dating a classmate’. The name of the unit is long though. In full it is ‘Try dating a Classmate just to see how it feels’. Results show a missing mark. People yearn to explore their forbidden side. Shish and I keep throwing seductive glances at each other in class. It’s clear that we both desire each other. It’s always fun to stir up the transgressive and taboo. There are always social limits on what we can do. For the whole of last semester, neither I nor she was able to act on it. I’m going to pester Mother Destiny till she tells me how she misplaced my ‘Art of the bold move’. It’s a nice art and mostly yields success.

A moment has arrived: Your victim clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it. This is the time to throw aside chivalry, kindness, and coquetry and to overwhelm with a bold move. Never give the victim time to consider the consequences. Showing hesitation or awkwardness will mean I’m thinking about myself as opposed to being overwhelmed by the victim’s charms. One person has to go on the offensive, and it is me.

My fifth unit was, ’Avoid Gold Diggers’. Results show a D-Disappointment. I finished the semester dead broke all thanks to Michelle.  Whenever she put her bare leg across my laps and asked for anything, I said yes. Whenever she looked at me with those super sexy eyes, I dished out shilling bills. She didn’t even have to say a word. A man’s most pleasurable moment is also his most vulnerable. I will have to write that correctly in the exam next time.

My sixth and final unit was, ‘Fundamentals of avoiding ex-girlfriends and victims of one night stands ’. Results show a strong pass: An A- Awesome. There are many routes in campus so it’s never hard to find a detour. Whenever you see her coming from a mile away just take the nearest diversion and all will be well. Avoid post-erection violence. It’s quite similar to post-election violence. The major difference is, in post-erection violence you have turned against the person you elected to your bed and that person gets very pissed off. Everyone wants a nation of peace.  Although it’s really foolish it works depending on how fast you move.

When you get your results, it’s always advisable to sit down and reflect. If you have passed keep up the good work and if you fail, your change your ways. The results above aren’t pleasant at all. My dad is going to kill me.  I really do need to improve. Ladies and gentlemen, ‘Welcome to Bachelor of Madness’. Applications are ongoing, registration of new students in progress. Deadline – extended.