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How to misuse your HELB loan

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A few days ago, I overheard an argument between two drunken friends. One kept on insisting that the Higher Education Loans Board should be renamed the ‘Higher Drinking Loans Board.’ The other friend felt that renaming alone isn’t enough, the inclusion of drinking allowance would be better. What amused me was how serious they were with the whole issue. Maybe one of them had a point. As students, we handle our loans in the same way irresponsible employees handle their salaries. Maybe we can’t help it, maybe it’s a phase.


I think my fellow students aren’t misusing their loans well enough. Money is a resource, not a reflection of one’s identity. Guys are stingy with that cash yet it’s the only amount that doesn’t come with tags of responsibilities. Of course you will have to pay back the money in future but the Bible says tomorrow will take care of itself. Who can argue with that? So here are a few ways of misusing your HELB loan with regrets. Don’t mind the regrets; they are a part of life.


Don’t let your parent or guardian know the exact amount of HELB loan you get. Parents will just stand in the way between you and fun, so don’t dare to pull the honesty card. Being too good doesn’t pay. Trust me, even parents of good kids always wonder whether their children are normal.


Health experts claim that the human body should be frequently re-filled with fluids and that the brain should be frequently recharged with thrills. Alcohol is a fluid and it does offer thrill. Don’t stop drinking. Identify girls that love drinking and ‘chomoa’ for them plans every Friday. You will never starve. Find many fake friends, the kind that always holla on Fridays and exam times only. These friends are useless but they will make you popular. You never know, you might need to run for an elective post someday and one of those useless friends might gather fellow useless friends to create something useful for you.


As soon as the money lands in your account, upgrade from Blue Moon Vodka to Johnny Walker. You might never get the chance to drink Johnny Walker once you leave campus. Fate is a b**ch sometimes, so don’t take chances, enjoy the moment.


Remember, too much alcohol can be harmful to your health so be sure to substitute it with milk once in a while. Two packets a day isn’t bad.  Del Monte is also a cool drink. The big one is just the same amount as a bottle of beer. Not expensive, right?

These chics make you pay for more and give you less. Thrilling adventures are common but short lived. Emotional turmoil, name it all. They twerk for you but can’t cook for you. Man shall not live on twerk alone.

Also, don’t forget to date Xoxo chics. To easy it up, these are girls that speak with fake accents, cover their faces with layers of make-up and wear kilograms of artificial hair on their heads. The kind of chics that make you contemplate screaming when you wake up next to them in the morning because of the overnight facial transformation. These chics make you pay for more and give you less. Thrilling adventures are common but short lived. Emotional turmoil, name it all. They twerk for you but can’t cook for you. Man shall not live on twerk alone.

If you are a lady, try Tax collector boyfriends. They always find out when their girlfriends have money, then move in with fake problems. The girlfriends then feel obliged to offer financial assistance. ‘Tax collectors are masters of deception; they take advantage of the sympathetic nature of soul mates to get easy money.


When it comes to eating, chicken is ideal. I am not saying that because of my roots, but because it’s true. Fish too can be awesome. Don’t worry, the time for sukuma wiki will come, and that’s during the middle of the semester. Don’t dare step in the Student Mess during the first few weeks of the semester, that’s a mistake that will make your loan amount to last longer than it’s supposed to.


Alternatively, you could be boring but wise and spend the money for the intended purpose or at the very least start a business. When you get your first real job, in the real world, HELB will be after you and you will pay every single cent, plus interest.


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