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Da Squeeze

Guys, the 6 types of women we date


Many campus ladies forget that it takes two for dating to work. Dating has been feminized and women have often dictated on its terms and conditions leaving the men to either subdue to overwhelming nagging or be lampooned to be ‘stingy’ and ‘arrogant’ if they opt to stand on their ground and not comply to every demand.

In a society that expects men to take charge, we are faced with quite a tasking responsibility. Handling humans has never been easy, especially one that wants to share a life with you. First finances for a decent date; decent here being relative to the girl’s preference, second of making a choice and lastly deciding on the direction of the relationship.

The hardest part is however the inception. That perfect pick-up line that will lead to a bee-line of undressing each other into the comfort of your bed sheets. Please don’t mind for men are as simple as SEX.  Even the born again male Christians, the only difference is the timing. They choose to engage after marriage, deferred gratification; well as for rest…

But irrespective of age, status, religion, we are likely to date six types of women.

1. The Dreamer

The world revolves around her. She believes of a perfect man. Somewhere in her journal is a list of the qualities she expects from him. Mostly her inspiration and perception is largely drawn from romantic novels or farfetched ideologies about love from her closest friends.

You will get lost in her narration that will prompt you to fantasize too. Of course not about the Miss Snow White in front of you, rather on the football match you skipped on the hopes of getting lucky in ungodly hours.

She wants 100% attention, say nice things and avoid flirting with her. Being a gentleman is must! Gentleman 101 by her terms!

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She will expect you to call back. Now, we all know well you won’t unless you want to baby sit or get friend zoned.

2. The Complainer

She finds a Dr Phil in you. That’s probably because you are a good listener. Unfortunately her lips talk rot. She will complain about the restaurant, the waiter, how men are dogs, The Jubilee government and go through an excruciating experience of listening to how her exes were assholes and how she feels underrated by all and sundry. When she’s done at it, she reverses the conversation to mask her low self esteem by boasting of being affiliated with the high and mighty.

Her negativity will darken the room and give you a depression; to the extent of contemplating suicide! You now realize you have taken six shots of tequila to feign having a good time. Adding insult to the injury taking selfies to post on IG. I have problems too miss! So, being the good man that you are you will look for something amusing around you. My, she got a nice rack.

“Are you staring at my boobs? Oh my Gosh! All men are the same, perverts!” she walks out on you retorting.  Here we go again.

3. The Wild Card

You are on the bar counter, cupping a glass of a drink you hardly know of. You hate places like this and have no clue why you getting intoxicated. “Hey” she will say behind your back and you turn to face her.

She wants to know if the seat next to you is taken, but in your intoxication you succumb to verbal diarrhoea. Over a couple of drinks, she gets your dry humour and establishes a ‘special’ connection for you share a liking in Game of Thrones.

She challenges you the unthinkable, like taking ecstasy and the moment you get both drunk and high. Did I just lick her face? Wait I never thought I could dance so well. OMG is she making out with another dude? Hehe the dude is me. How dumb of me. She is mumbling something in my ear, “ Blah.. blah.. Im going to twerk all over you..blah..blah….

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Wait a minute! your belly isn’t feeling well and the lights are dimming. It’s called a blackout

Three weeks later you wake up from a drunken stupor penniless and having forfeited half of the semester partying. She will still insist of going out on the next day.

4. The She-Male

Intelligent, classy, independent and go getters are some of the many adjectives associated with them. She doesn’t need to be complimented; her beauty is undisputed and very much comfortable in her own skin.

You will take her for a second date, of course why not? She demanded to pay the bill and this hurt your ego. However, after a short verbal duel, both of you agree to meet halfway and split it. She will listen to your babbling and empathise with you and when looking at her, you will see someone who loves you equally much. Your mother!

She loves being on top and take control of everything including flirts.

Being the typical man, you slump into a comfort zone. The things you will do in the name of ‘love’ will effeminate the male identity. She holds all the cards and plays you like a doll.

Five months later, she dumps you. “Sorry babe, I want a man not a boy!” she writes. These types of ladies are predators. Once they get hold of their prey, they savage every little thing you got.

If you stand against them, they will go to the extent of proving they can be a better man than you.

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5. The Opportunist

Aww, how sweet of you; you are such a gentleman; any girl is lucky to have you; you are such a good friend. Her mouth will drool anything from compliments to simple flirts to keep you in her clique of male friends. Is she your girlfriend? No.  A friend with benefits? Eeh..not exactly, for she kissed you once on the peck to make her ex jealous. Would fight for her if need be? YES! What does she give back?  Well… a thank you?

She will dial you at her convenience especially when she’s run out of money or the exam period is closing in. Moreover demand for attention that a boyfriend would give only that you my friend is being taken for granted.

When you are  in need she will go MIA, only to apologize much later on the excuse that she was handling complicated stuff with her whatsapp profile picture showing her having a good time with a bunch of guys.

Personally I loathe such women; emotional defrauders who are just afraid of being alone.

Therefore you grow a pair and walk out. This is a bee hive you will never harvest the honey.

Campus dating

6. The One

You hate her. She hates you. You hate her for she has a way of getting her way even after much resistance. She hates you because you are a jerk whom she can’t get out of her head and will never forgive for farting loud at IMAX while watching Avengers.

You will deny greatly that you are in love well, till that sharp tinge of envy makes you green after momentarily seeing her happy with another man.

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You will be challenged to keep your affairs in order and learn of how to win her heart for she will remind you why everyday is worth living for.

So you borrow a good suit, reserve a table at the best restaurant and buy a rose. Wear decent cologne and chew a mint in anticipating a fresh start. Then brace yourself to making things exclusive.

Now, you know. Men too have a lot to handle and it is never easy for us.

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