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Da Squeeze

8 types of men that end up being used by divas


The campus girls have tremendously upped their game when it comes to using men for their own selfish needs. Guys, the following are 8 crucial signs that your crush is using you based on the role you play in her life.


1)    The Porter

On the varsity opening date the lady calls and says “hey Johnny!… I missed you so much!…Can you please come pick me up at the main entrance?” you rush to the gate feeling all bubbly only to find her standing next to five traveling bags. Two bags on each hand and another on the back you carry them to her hostel 2 miles away. She even has the audacity to hang her luminous pink handbag on your neck. The only thing you might get out of such a generous gesture is some stale juice!


2)    Errand boy

She treats you like her unpaid laborer. You are the guy she asks to book her a seat in class, photocopy some notes, take her faulty appliances to a technician, repair a blown socket and do all kinds of odd jobs. The idea you are her fixer creates this illusion that she cannot live without you so you do all she asks. All throughout your time in college you become the guy she calls only when she is in need.

man built woman

3)    Body guard ( G4S)

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After spending months in the gym to achieve your current muscular, warrior-like physique suddenly this pretty lass is all over you. She asks you to walk her home every evening, go out partying on Friday and if anyone does as much as stare at her derrière a minute longer you clobber them senseless.


After fantasizing for weeks you finally go to her place and declare your feelings. She plays dumb shocked “How could you? I’ve always thought of you as my big bro!” Just then her boyfriend walks in to take her to the sandy beaches of Lamu for the weekend.


4)    Dr Phil

My boyfriend is such a douche bag… you are the sweetest guy ever!… wish I had a boyfriend like you! ” she blurts out amid sobs. This is the 6th time she has broken up with her boyfriend and came to you for comfort and relationship advice. Sobbing in your arms you give her 50 reasons why she should forget him and get a guy she deserves (you). A day later you hear she is back with her jackass boyfriend. The next time you’ll get to see her is when the guy impregnates and kicks her out.


5)    Money bags

Cash makes every guy an attractive mate. Hordes of opportunistic campus ladies will flock around you especially if you don’t mind spending on them. You end up taking her to fancy places she cannot afford, buying expensive gifts and sending her airtime so she can call her boyfriend. “Aki  Jaymo I’m so bored! Si you take us bowling?” Without a second thought, you take her and her two best friends to the Village Market and footing all bills.

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6)    Trophy boyfriend

This mostly happens to guys on the higher side of the looks department and celebrities. The girl tags you along to social events, gets cozy with you before her green-eyed friends and is for public display of affection. At first, it boosts your ego making you feel like the hottest guy in town, then reality begins to set in. She avoids spending time alone with you. You are simply the trophy she enjoys flaunting in public. The furthest you’ll ever get is kissing and groping.


7)    The nerd

All through the semester, the flawless beauty in class barely notices you apart from the occasional plea for help with her assignments. Flash forward a week to end of semester exams she is all over you. She even invites you to her room for dinner. Expecting a romantic candle-lit dinner you end up teaching her calculus and get some cold, tasteless meal at midnight before being kicked out!


8)    Taxi driver

Once you buy a nice ride (not a Probox) a number of girls who initially didn’t give a rat’s ass about you suddenly have a change of heart. When she and her friends want to go to for a concert you are the guy she calls. The thought of dancing with this magnificent creature all night warms your gonads. You immediately fill up your fuel tank and drive them to Nakuru for the concert. Soonest you arrive they all disappear into the crowd leaving you all alone.

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At 5am the next day they stagger back to your car. Diligently you drive them back to Nairobi, disappointed and broke. The next time she’ll call is when she wants you to take her to Sagana lodge.


Remember, if you are not the main guy in her life then you have totally no business being in it!



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