I’ll begin with the usual disclaimers:
This is a long article (2k+ words) so make sure you are seated, free from interruptions and have an open mind.
- My opinions may seem biased sometimes but I try to tell it the way I see it though it may not always be agreeable or easily digested.
- I may have left out several other reasons and that’s because i decided to focus on the main one that has become clear…sort of.
- There are curse words. Hide the children
- This entry is not titled “why women cheat” for a reason.
- N. Chege’s articles are sensationalist…and dumb…and I hope for her sake that they don’t reflect her actual personality. But on the up side if they do then a lot of cats will have a home soon
- Finally; I’m not a specialist in relationships and neither is this a professional opinion, so I could be wrong on a few aspects except the last sentence.
The reason I decided to focus this entry on cheating was brought about at a staff party where one of the guys mentioned several things I’d thought about but never really paid attention to since I assumed I was the only one who thought of it that way.
My (our) generation is a special one. We live in a time where sex is no longer a taboo,rather it’s glorified in all its aspects and manifestations. It’s also a time where you can’t leave a child playing alone outside because sexual predators are everywhere now, perhaps as a result of the liberal attitude towards sex. But that is moot and beyond the scope covered here.
Cheating: each one of us probably knows somebody who was cheated on, is cheating, or you’ve done it, or been party to cheating. A lucky few have probably never experienced it directly or never knew about it. It’s nice to be on the friendlier side of ignorance.
Now, my take on the whole cheating issue from my perspective as a man still relatively untainted by the issue at hand. Part of it comes from observation, a small part experience, and a huge chunk from guys who cheat and know what they’re talking about.
Men and aging
Men go through several stages in their lives, there is the stage you discover boobs, that women are soft, smell nice and that you would like to touch them [the breasts]. It’s at his point you have puppy love, crush on someone, get your heart cracked the first time, probably lose your virginity and generally start masturbating to pictures or thoughts of of (naked) women. The stage lasts through the teen years to the early 20’s.
The next stage happens in the 20’s where most men start getting a little more serious in relationships. The not so smart ones jump into marriage (but you didn’t hear me call them stupid), likely shotgun in some, and in others just youthful impulsiveness. Advice: don’t get married yet; just get to know each other better. What is a 5 year dating period if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together? Where was I? Oh yeah, they start getting a little serious in relationships and looking for the One.
By this stage most men have identified what characteristics would make the ideal woman for them. When asked what type of person they are looking to spend their lives with, they will give a detailed description. Most likely because they have someone in mind. Thing is, this is also the stage when most men are making the foundation to their financial future, i.e. hustling.
The next significant stage is from 30-40 when he has achieved most of the financial freedom he was looking for and settles down; most likely with the ideal woman he described in the previous stage, assuming she stuck around when he was still hustling. This is where many men are found to be cheating on their wives, divorces happen and generally really bad things happen in long-term relationships.
Girls and pizza
Women age differently from men, and I’m not a woman so I won’t get into that aging thing deeply. I’ll just state: men grow more attractive to the opposite gender with age, while women just grow older. Misogynistic as this statement may seem, it’s not, just a little hard to swallow observation. As I move along you will come to realize that in an ideal universe the difference in aging is not really that important. I’ll skim over some of the stages women go through nevertheless.
Being a teenager is that stage in a woman’s life when becomes most attractive. The breasts pass the pencil test because of all the glorious perkiness and men are constantly scratching at her door wanting to get in. I guess it is still here where a woman comes to grip with the power she has over men.
At 18 men can lay her without thoughts of jail and the dreaded dropping the soap. Clubbing, alcohol binging and coffee/pizza/cake places become the norm. Basically she can and WILL exploit her sexuality to the maximum. The girls are impressionable and the idea of dating an older guy is kind of a thrill.
Girls love pizza, even the ones who never grew up eating it. The only thing they love more than pizza is the guy who can afford to buy it for them constantly. Rarely will you see young women ordering pizza to-go; it’s to be eaten there for it to taste better, the envious looks from other women add flavour. It’s the my-man-can-buy-me-shit phenomena and young men will stumble over each other trying to catch her attention using pastry, heels and out of town trips.
Many women in their 30’s have usually achieved financial independence and looking to settle down. They have been aware their biological clocks are ticking for the last 2 or 3 years and the attention from men is waning because of the developing crow’s feet [yeah I said it] and the fact that impressionable girls are hitting 18 every day bringing a lot of unfair competition. Descriptions of way younger women are accompanied by a sneer, while questions about age are answered with a lie or a baited “what do you think?“. Oh, and they have friends who are married or engaged, and probably with kids too. So there is some sort of pressure on them. Scrap that, there IS pressure! Men get that too.
Men and love, women and money, and why men cheat
A general consensus among many women is that “men ain’t shit(sic)“, especially those who have been hurt by some men. If they’d said “some men ain’t shit” I guess I’d nod in agreement and probably give them a “there there” pat on the back.
A commonly unheard topic is that one covering men and love. We rarely hear of men being in love nowadays. It’s almost like a taboo. You will rarely come across a man’s blog talking about love or how in love he is with somebody. So we can safely assume our generation consists of aloof, macho, arrogant, self-centered men over whom women swoon seeking attention and the chance to make them a sandwich. You would be mistaken for thinking it’s a crime in our generation for a guy to have emotions or feelings except those along the lines of laughter, anger or sadness. The expression “why are you behaving like a woman” is actually used as an insult! Not just by men, women also say that to belittle men, which is sad to say the least.
Let me break it down nicely, men have feelings. It actually stings a little when women say “men aren’t worth shit” because some of us are the shit…and probably a little bit of urine. Men love with an unfathomable fire, just like a woman in love. When a man loves you he does it with every fibre of his being. It won’t matter how old you are, how you look, weigh or dress, as long as it’s you! In his eyes you are the epitome of perfection and nothing anybody says or does can ever change that. He will let you step on his ego and use it for a doormat, and he will let you keep his testicles in your purse. When a man loves you, he hands you the remote-control to his life; you may choose to screw with it or make it better. Whether he is miserable or happy with will depend on you for the most part. Yes, love blinds people to misery.
And no, when a man loves you there is no chance of him cheating on you because he lives to see you happy and there is no sacrifice too great…including giving up sex with other women.
Women and money
Nobody likes to be poor, nobody!
Women like to be pampered and treated nice and all that but, methinks, they sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture. I know money can’t buy happiness and that a hug can’t pay bills; neither can you binge on junk and keep that curvy hourglass shape . Not the smartest metaphor, but my point is everything is always about finding that happy medium.
Nowadays, though, I’ve started to get convinced that is all most women think about: money and what a guy can buy for them. Guys are judged for the size of their wallet and not what he can give with his heart. It’s “I’d rather weep in a palace than smile in an average flat.” Women constantly bitch about men treating them like objects yet when you look at it soberly, most of them DO go to the highest bidder.
It is at this point that I will jump to the topic that actually got you reading this entry in the first place:
Why men cheat
Like i said earlier, by their mid-20’s most men have identified what they’d want in their ideal soul mate and probably have somebody in mind. Men love and can get hurt just as badly as women. The problem with this age, though, is most women are still very materialistic and as an unfortunate coincidence it’s usually the time the man is kick starting his financial future. See where I’m leading?
So a situation arises where a man is seriously interested in a girl and even though she may be interested she discounts him as a potential partner based on his financial ranking. This is probably because she had that ideal in mind on the lifestyle she desires to have. Her having friends who date rich men would probably tilt the odds against the suitor further because of the superficial perception over how her friends’ lives have changed by dating rich men. So she ignores the guy who makes her happy for a guy who can buy her stuff but might not really appreciate her as an individual. There is a vicious cycle resulting from this process, you will note by the end.
Hearts heal, but they rarely love the same, and the jilted young man will move on, hopefully with no hard feelings depending on how he was let go. Other girls will come who will see and appreciate him for what he is, and in my ideal universe he will love her with the same intensity and passion he loved the first girl and it ends happily ever after. But a person never forgets the one they truly loved; life never gives us the easy way out. The ideal was set and it is imprinted in the subconscious mind. The guy will move on but he will date the girls who most closely resemble his dream girl: the one that got away. The girls won’t realize it but he will try to change them to fit the image he had and when it fails, he moves on or strays.
During this time his financial standings have improved, from promotions, investments and all that hustling paying off; and with age and money come the girls. Remember what I said about the thrill young girls get from dating older men, plus the common misconception that older men are more mature [men never mature, mature men are just boring men trying to look serious].
So this young man was jilted because he was poor, got his heart all broken but now he has all these women after him. He will let the money work for him, after all, wasn’t that all you (women) were after all along? You see, without a strong emotional connection to a woman, the only thing that would actually potentially keep a man from cheating would be his morals, and we all know that morality is a gift that has been distributed sparingly to our generation.
Let’s observe a hypothetical situation, which as it turns out, happens a lot of times. What if the original poor guy (who was left, then morphed into the rich guy, taking girls from other poor guys, continuing the seemingly unbreakable cycle) ends up hooking up with the girl of his dreams? The one who left him when he was just a hustler. In the ideal universe they’d make up fully and live happily ever after. Had this been a movie I’m directing, we’d just cut from the wedding to the scene several years later where she is crying on her friends lap sobbing, “but [inhales snort] I gave him the [inhales more snort] chance later on. Why would he cheat on me? [insert pitiful sobs here].”
When a mother gives up her baby -for adoption, through abandonment, or whichever reason good or bad- for 10 or maybe 15 years then comes back into the picture, will she still have the same effect on it as she would have had she raised the baby?
The man had a specific perception of you when you were both young; had you stayed together, the perception would have adjusted as you aged and experienced life together, and there wouldn’t have been any lost years .
This is what I was leading up to when I said it doesn’t matter how either of you age because he will love you for all that you are and all that you made him feel assuming you hadn’t made him feel pathetic by leaving him because he wasn’t as loaded as other guys.
Now the man is stuck on an image of you from when you were young and since you are no longer it, he will still yearn for the younger you he knew and loved which will lead to him doing what? It may seem like a cold and pessimistic outlook on life and relationships, and I’m not saying anyone deserves to be cheated on, but this is the reason most guys I’ve talked to give.
The truth is people lie to each other. Sometimes when a person is too forthcoming about how good their life is, they are probably trying to cover up for small insecurities, embarrassment or pain. They feel that by convincing you a certain lifestyle is working for them, they will also come to believe it themselves. While money is important, it shouldn’t be the only motivation. Many people realize too late where some of the priorities should have been.
There are good guys out there, men who will lay down their life for you, and mould their world around you because, for all intents and purposes, you are their world. Just make sure you aren’t too preoccupied assessing their finances to notice what they mean to you or you to them. Would you rather be a trophy to a wealthy fuck who treats you like trash or be a queen to an average guy who would treat you like you are the most important person in the world? Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because you aren’t watering your side.
As a side note before it seems like I’m trashing rich folk: I know several wealthy couples who are really happy with each other all these years (some have been together for 26yrs now…26!) and the common denominator between them is they weren’t always rich yet stuck together through the hard times.
Let love be the prize and money to be just a welcome bonus
Originally published on Ben’s Yen in May 2011. Some edits have been made that differ from the original article.