I go through life in a trance like state because of the very simple reason that it didn’t come with a manual.
Thousands of generations later we still face the same problems, ask the same questions and make the same mistakes. The only difference is we’re more crowded, less likely to die from AIDS and we have the internet. Other than that not much progress; we still use the wheel invented a couple thousand years ago, maybe we’ve gone a few rungs higher with fire through the microwave.
When I’m not fantasizing about how awesome it would be if I was actually the one who invented the iPod or founded Microsoft or Google, I think about my love life. Yeah, I really beat myself over that one. When I go to bed I try to convince myself how awesome being single is, and I succeed sometimes, the rest of the time I sleep a tormented man.
The last couple weeks have been a self evaluation period where I almost completely convinced myself that I don’t care, but as we all know of the mysterious ways of life: always striving to contradict us, so now I’m back four steps.
A friend recently tore me a new one about how I used to treat the girls I flirted with. He reminded me of the horrible things i used to do in the name of one night stands; the unceremonious dumping and moving to the next one without giving a crap then repeating the pattern. And I had to explain I haven’t done that the last couple years, I have actually tried to stay in a relationship and almost succeeded, though he didn’t really buy it at first. Then he propositioned that maybe its karma getting back to me for everything, whereby I mentioned I don’t believe in it, but I’m slowly starting to.
Next came another close friend to me; he got married and now has a son. That really brought out the self evaluation. I guess it finally occurred to me that I’d want that too. I wouldn’t mind having somebody to come home to every evening and waking up next to her the next morning, maybe have a daughter I’ll spoil by giving her everything she wants. I get swallowed up by that fantasy, then…poof! Back to reality, I’m alone.
One thing I believe though, is that love is patient and natural; I can never force myself to love anyone or force anyone to love me. So i don’t seem to love(read: falling in love) that much or even fall for somebody easily, but its not by choice.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one going about it all wrong. Maybe the process is get somebody I can tolerate and tolerates me, stay with them. With time we learn to like each other and eventually it blossoms into love or seems like it. Isn’t that the same concept behind shotgun weddings and forced marriages?
So herein comes my best friend, she is actually the only existing proof that I’m not retarded when it comes to loving somebody. Truth be told, I have considered trying the romantic angle with her and I always have to remind myself why we can’t. I don’t want to take the risk of losing her.
Moving along, everyday we are always bombarded with the stories of the happily ever after(Disney, wedding show etc), and I always stop to think what is my place in that universe. Maybe I’m the wish-granter(consciously avoiding the word “fairy” because of the gay connotation attached to it), who manages to give others their dreams while not much seems to be going for you. Having the power and looks, yet never having somebody to appreciate them. It’s a lesson in redundancy and how things rarely go by the book or as per expectations.
Knowing many girls who like you but you can’t like them back is like being stuck in the middle of the ocean, all the water in the world and not a drop to drink. A big shame. Am I ever going to find “The One” for me? Or did she die in a car accident somewhere in the kingdom far far away?
~ Peace mes amies~
Originally posted on Ben’s Yen in August 18 2010