Tag Archives: Love

Men, Stop Leading Women On!

Don first saw her in a crowd at a friend’s evening party and was left breathless by her beauty. She had an athletic build and looked like she had just walked out of the same salon where Cleopatra herself used to get her hair done. The heels she wore were perfect for her height.

MenStopLeading

She oozed an irresistible brand of confidence that made people steal glances at her and ask who on earth she was. Don’s heart almost stopped when his friend offered to introduce him to her. There was no time to waste. He had to quickly compose himself and act all calm and collected though on the inside he was a nervous wreck.

“Nice to meet you, Don,” she said with a somewhat shy smile on her face perhaps because Don stared right into her eyes as he shook her hand. There was an instant magical spark between them as they exchanged pleasantries. Pleasantries turned into conversation and conversation into laughter and soon they found themselves walking away from the crowd and heading off to the balcony where it was a bit quieter. The sky was adorned with stars and a full moon, a perfect moment that complemented the mood. They drifted off into a world of their own and before they knew it, it was 11 PM and most of the guests had already left. When the night came to an end, Don gathered all the strength he had and asked for her number and though it wasn’t something she would typically do after just meeting a man, she gave it to him. She later confessed that Don’s boldness had worked in his favor and that’s why she obliged when he asked for her number.

Don sent her the first text and from then on they started chatting casually. After a while, the conversations grew and would from time to time stretch past midnight. The conversations were decent and Don absolutely enjoyed talking to her. He had grown fond of her and from her swift responses to his texts and chat messages he guessed that she liked him too.

They talked about everything from their careers to their faith, dreams, ambitions and such. One day, the topic of love weaved its way into their chatting. Don asked her if she was dating anyone and she said that she was. He was a bit disappointed, but his hunting instincts smelt her fear and lack of confidence in that relationship. It was clear that she wasn’t happy. Whoever she was dating was not doing something right. So Don decided to be a shoulder to lean on. Little did he know that the path that he had taken on would soon turn slippery.

When a lady opens up her heart to a man and becomes vulnerable with him, a deep emotional connection invariably springs up. Whether consciously or not, she had engaged her heart in the process of transition. She admired Don’s strong affinity for his faith and had become unsettled with the fact that she had drifted from hers because her man wasn’t particularly religious. It’s always amazed me how much women are willing to give up when they are in love and feel that they need to make a relationship work. Her love interest seemed somewhat keen on getting closer to God and she felt that Don could possibly be a catalyst for that process.

Before long, they started meeting for lunch and dinner dates and it was evident that she was falling for him. He thought about her a lot and that endeared her to him even more. He introduced her to his boys and they seemed to like her. They continued hanging out bonding and talking about deep and personal issues. Don was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and so was she. He started picturing her as a potential wife. They were like Bonnie and Clyde and the 21st century Juliet and Romeo.

Months passed by and when she finally (and unsurprisingly) broke up with her man, Don was there to console her and the bond grew deeper. Their friends encouraged them to pursue what they felt for each other because after all, she had broken up with her boyfriend, Don was single and all the signs showed that they had a good degree of compatibility. The obstacle to them becoming a couple had dissolved away and technically, they should have become an item straight away, right? Wrong! Time had passed and Don’s emotions had slowly settled allowing him to look at the matter more soberly.

He now wasn’t as sure as he had been before about committing to her. He suddenly realized that he had not considered fundamental issues that would affect the chances of the survival of their relationship in the long term. His interest started fading and the enthusiasm was certainly not there anymore. She noticed that he wouldn’t respond to her texts as quickly as he used to and his responses were not as heartfelt or romantic as they had once been. She was hurt. You see, when a woman loves, she loves for real and the pain that she feels when she gives her heart to a man who then messes it up is one that is hard to describe in words. Her heart had been fully engaged but conversely, Don’s heart had become detached and his mind (and not his heart) was now doing the thinking. He wondered how could he commit to her and overlook the things about her that made him uncomfortable. The truth was, Don had led her on and broken her heart. He had dangled a carrot in front of her and lured her in only to disappoint her eventually. He realized that he should have taken the time to know her first and discover the “issues” he had with her before engaging her heart.

To be fair, Don’s issues were legitimate. He was uncomfortable with the fact that she had shown no commitment to working on her faith despite having intimated that that was something she wanted to do. His faith mattered a lot to him and he had somewhat naively hoped to win her over to God through engaging her heart, but it never worked. It’s always best to date within your own faith if sharing similar beliefs with a spouse is something that matters to you. The other issue that Don had was that she was not ready to settle down anytime soon. She desired to travel the world and settle down years later a desire that was incompatible with Don’s own dream of marrying within two years. In the excitement of a newfound love interest, he had overlooked this too and proceeded to stir up the woman’s heart.

By the time Don realized that he just couldn’t commit, the girl’s heart was already sold out to him and she couldn’t understand why he was pulling away from her. His feelings and the excitement that came with them had blinded him to the facts that would ultimately determine whether he could build anything solid with her. He should have put his excitement aside and taken the time to know her well before charming his way into her heart. This is one of the most common mistakes that men make when they meet a lady. We find a woman who is charming and beautiful and immediately allow our excitement to take the driver’s seat. We engage her heart immediately without considering the big picture only to later backtrack when reason kicks back into play leaving her utterly heartbroken.

Dear men, don’t lead her on if you haven’t known her well enough to make a decision on whether or not you would want her to be part of your life forever. The habit of jumping into purposeless relationships is a sure recipe of messing up one’s life.

Let’s learn from Songs of Solomon 8:4,
“Swear to me, young women of Jerusalem, that you won’t awaken or arouse love before its proper time!”

The writer is a digital media strategist working for Capital FM. He is a blogger at www.dannish.co.ke. Also follow him @dannishodongo

The views and opinions expressed on this article are solely those of the author. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of Capital Group, Capital FM Staff, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

Let’s talk about homosexuality and the church

Fagots, queer etc are some of the derogatory names that have been used to refer to homosexuals. A number of prominent people including the Apple CEO, Tim Cook, have “come out of the closet” to openly declare their homosexual orientation.

 

HomosexualityxChurch

But, on the other hand, pro-traditional family activists have accused homosexuals of hijacking the civil rights movement and pulling the victim card to seek normalization of their destructive lifestyle especially in America.

As a heterosexual, I might not exactly understand the challenges that homosexuals face. The stigma that is attached to homosexuality especially within Christian circles drives homosexuals further away the church. This stigma creates among homosexual persons a reluctance to associate with Christians or Christianity, a fact that limits the scope for gay people to receive genuine and compassionate love from the body of Christ.

However, there are many couples who are married and have children but still taste the forbidden waters of same-sex. The act in itself is considered shameful especially in the context of an African society such as ours which is governed by conservative values.

Cultural and other worldviews that perceive homosexuals as outcasts do not render the power of the cross null and void in the lives of gays and lesbians. Christ died for all. His blood is able to atone for the sin of each and every one who accepts him…yes, including homosexuals. But culture coupled with ignorance have built a greater wall than that of Jericho between the church and gay community.

The biggest obstacle that the church must overcome in its ministry to this group of people is the negative attitude that is held towards them both within and outside the church. It’s very easy to look at one sin as being a mere struggle and to brand another as being scandalous, overwhelmingly disgraceful and unforgivable. This is a holier than thou attitude that the church needs to discard like a piece of garbage. Awareness, within the mind of each Christian, of the holiness of God and of the depth and severity of one’s own sin can go a long way towards reducing the church’s homophobic attitude.

We are called as a church to share the message of the cross with every soul even those in the farthest parts of the world. People from every nation, language, culture, walk of life and school of thought need to hear the good news of Christ. That includes people within the gay community. But Homophobia (extreme dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people) short circuits the very existence of the church as an agent of the godly transformation of the world.

The church has neglected the creation of any significant missionary efforts to the gay subculture because of its homophobia. Homosexuals have been made to feel awkward and unaccepted in the church instead of being loved and accepted as being a people group for whom Christ died just like He did for everyone else. Agony, self-rejection, the guilt and loneliness which homosexuals suffer because of a condition which is in rare circumstances the result of voluntary choice can be halfway cured if the church embraces an attitude of compassion and love while disapproving of their actions. In order for both pastors and lay people to minister effectively to gays, the church has to abandon its traditional high-handed approach to dealing with homosexuals and explore better ways to minister to this group.

But…

The fact of the matter is, there has been no conclusive evidence to support the notion that homosexuality originates from genetics. Actually, overwhelming evidence points to environmental influence as the number one factor that shapes human sexuality.

The church must not give up on calling everyone to repentance. The illness and cancer of immorality that is currently rampant within the body of Christ must be healed by standing on the infallible word of God. Sexuality cannot be turned into a matter of opinion or debate. The Bible hasn’t changed and it remains the benchmark for godliness and morality. Human reason, including that of the clergy, feelings and opinions are all bound to change especially as time passes therefore, this debate can only be soberly carried out when it is anchored on Biblical truth.

The church should assure homosexuals that it has no desire for them to leave. It must instead urge them to remain and search their conscience in order to move toward repentance. Exaggerated distaste for homosexuals in the church will only drive them further away into an abyss of rebellion.
The church should express Christ’s love even as she stands firmly against homosexuality. However, love shouldn’t be interpreted as limitless tolerance. The holy love of God is what motivates his just anger. God as described in scriptures ought not to be portrayed as an impersonal principal who doesn’t make demands or an indulgent parent who can be convinced to be okay with everything that we sanction and approve as being acceptable.

There is not a single argument that is based on scripture to support an active homosexual ‘Christian’ theology. But many people from this group have negated their role of studying scriptures for themselves and instead relied on other exegetical teachings from scholars who agree with their lifestyle. The challenge is that the scholars will not be attorneys on judgment day. They themselves will answer to an all-knowing God. Therefore making them lord over anyone’s conscience amounts to idolatry. The judge has already communicated his will and has set limits in terms of sexuality in his holy book.

It’s only through being vulnerable to the transformative word of God and the inner work of the Holy Spirit that homosexuals can get transformed. Unless the deception of active Christian homosexuals is broken, there can never be lasting change.

On the 2nd Part of this article, I will be exploring ways by which the church can minister to homosexuals in a loving way.

Follow the Writer @dannishodongo