I have probably dated ALL types of men, i mean the weirdo, the deadlocked, the “i have daddy issues”, the mummy’s boy, the rich brat, the free spirited, the lier, the bully… the SOMETHING , my ex’s all had something in them, a crazy SOMETHING, that i guess attracted me to them, i mean i am a fixer, according to (“cosmopolitan UK edition), and YES i did stop reading them.
so with being a fixer, i looked for the broken, i tried to reunite them with their daddy’s, (call me crazy), pray with them, take them on holidays, buy them stuff, i mean by all standards i was the crazy perfect girlfriend, i say crazy because i was crazy, i Would then throw a fit from here to Alaska and still not care. (GOD’S grace has been sufficient, because my potty mouth days are over..PHEW!!) ANYWAY, Every time we would break up, i would question the relationship, i mean was i not good enough?, Did i not love them enough, (FYI YOU can never love a broken soul enough for them to see the good in you, and they can never love you enough for you to see the good in them.. its just fact). AND so with every break up i would find myself another Broken soul… after all i was a fixer, and the cycle continued over and over, until i decided to break the cycle, because :
1. I wasn’t getting any richer, them holiday’s were killing me:
2. Non of my relationships were giving me what i wanted,
3. i wasn’t happy, i literally did not love/like any of those people i honestly loved the dissolution of what we had.
4. i wasn’t WHOLE
The bible in James 4:8 says Draw near to God and he will draw near to you, My salvation has been such a mind clearing journey , because NOW i realize the reason why all relationships dint work, was because i was looking for a human being to make me WHOLE.
Do you see the irony in that statement?
How can man make man whole?
i realized i needed to ask God to FIX me first, i had the ISSUES to, i wasn’t WHOLE, and He had to make me WHOLE, 100% dependent on him, So that he would give me a man who also was WHOLE.
By whole i mean, someone who’s heart was so hidden in Christ, that all i would be to his life was a compliment, like he would be in mine. (HUH ?? ) i mean to say, all the above messed up relationships only drained me, never brought me nearer to my GOD driven destiny, so me and my ex’s only drained each other, we were stagnant, toxic to each other, POISONOUS . DO you get it now??
The above relationships were ordained by myself, so they may have physically suited me,but spiritually they were toxic, draining. God knew and knows what i need, and He Makes all Things Beautiful in HIS time!!
Before i started this “public journal” i told myself i would write whatever come into my mind, But then i was like nah! This would have to make sense, make an impact, make a difference in someone’s life. so i told God , FATHER you know what , we have been through Good and bad together and every lesson i learnt FATHER , you knew per-hand”, BUT if i knew that you were with me ALL THIS TIME when i FELT alone, it would have been way…. less stressful, painful, etc. Hebrews 2:18, 4;15 talks about your private pains , deep hurts, shameful addictions.
You may think that nobody understands what your going through, but GOD does, his like there with you… your mighty helper, your comforter, your salvation. He identifies with all your pain and is ABLE to help you If you invite him into your life, and LET GO AND LET GOD.
Nairobi’s Saved Bella ..
P.S its only in Nairobi where you can get sun burnt and frost at the same time!!