Men, Stop Leading Women On!

Don first saw her in a crowd at a friend’s evening party and was left breathless by her beauty. She had an athletic build and looked like she had just walked out of the same salon where Cleopatra herself used to get her hair done. The heels she wore were perfect for her height.

MenStopLeading

She oozed an irresistible brand of confidence that made people steal glances at her and ask who on earth she was. Don’s heart almost stopped when his friend offered to introduce him to her. There was no time to waste. He had to quickly compose himself and act all calm and collected though on the inside he was a nervous wreck.

“Nice to meet you, Don,” she said with a somewhat shy smile on her face perhaps because Don stared right into her eyes as he shook her hand. There was an instant magical spark between them as they exchanged pleasantries. Pleasantries turned into conversation and conversation into laughter and soon they found themselves walking away from the crowd and heading off to the balcony where it was a bit quieter. The sky was adorned with stars and a full moon, a perfect moment that complemented the mood. They drifted off into a world of their own and before they knew it, it was 11 PM and most of the guests had already left. When the night came to an end, Don gathered all the strength he had and asked for her number and though it wasn’t something she would typically do after just meeting a man, she gave it to him. She later confessed that Don’s boldness had worked in his favor and that’s why she obliged when he asked for her number.

Don sent her the first text and from then on they started chatting casually. After a while, the conversations grew and would from time to time stretch past midnight. The conversations were decent and Don absolutely enjoyed talking to her. He had grown fond of her and from her swift responses to his texts and chat messages he guessed that she liked him too.

They talked about everything from their careers to their faith, dreams, ambitions and such. One day, the topic of love weaved its way into their chatting. Don asked her if she was dating anyone and she said that she was. He was a bit disappointed, but his hunting instincts smelt her fear and lack of confidence in that relationship. It was clear that she wasn’t happy. Whoever she was dating was not doing something right. So Don decided to be a shoulder to lean on. Little did he know that the path that he had taken on would soon turn slippery.

When a lady opens up her heart to a man and becomes vulnerable with him, a deep emotional connection invariably springs up. Whether consciously or not, she had engaged her heart in the process of transition. She admired Don’s strong affinity for his faith and had become unsettled with the fact that she had drifted from hers because her man wasn’t particularly religious. It’s always amazed me how much women are willing to give up when they are in love and feel that they need to make a relationship work. Her love interest seemed somewhat keen on getting closer to God and she felt that Don could possibly be a catalyst for that process.

Before long, they started meeting for lunch and dinner dates and it was evident that she was falling for him. He thought about her a lot and that endeared her to him even more. He introduced her to his boys and they seemed to like her. They continued hanging out bonding and talking about deep and personal issues. Don was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and so was she. He started picturing her as a potential wife. They were like Bonnie and Clyde and the 21st century Juliet and Romeo.

Months passed by and when she finally (and unsurprisingly) broke up with her man, Don was there to console her and the bond grew deeper. Their friends encouraged them to pursue what they felt for each other because after all, she had broken up with her boyfriend, Don was single and all the signs showed that they had a good degree of compatibility. The obstacle to them becoming a couple had dissolved away and technically, they should have become an item straight away, right? Wrong! Time had passed and Don’s emotions had slowly settled allowing him to look at the matter more soberly.

He now wasn’t as sure as he had been before about committing to her. He suddenly realized that he had not considered fundamental issues that would affect the chances of the survival of their relationship in the long term. His interest started fading and the enthusiasm was certainly not there anymore. She noticed that he wouldn’t respond to her texts as quickly as he used to and his responses were not as heartfelt or romantic as they had once been. She was hurt. You see, when a woman loves, she loves for real and the pain that she feels when she gives her heart to a man who then messes it up is one that is hard to describe in words. Her heart had been fully engaged but conversely, Don’s heart had become detached and his mind (and not his heart) was now doing the thinking. He wondered how could he commit to her and overlook the things about her that made him uncomfortable. The truth was, Don had led her on and broken her heart. He had dangled a carrot in front of her and lured her in only to disappoint her eventually. He realized that he should have taken the time to know her first and discover the “issues” he had with her before engaging her heart.

To be fair, Don’s issues were legitimate. He was uncomfortable with the fact that she had shown no commitment to working on her faith despite having intimated that that was something she wanted to do. His faith mattered a lot to him and he had somewhat naively hoped to win her over to God through engaging her heart, but it never worked. It’s always best to date within your own faith if sharing similar beliefs with a spouse is something that matters to you. The other issue that Don had was that she was not ready to settle down anytime soon. She desired to travel the world and settle down years later a desire that was incompatible with Don’s own dream of marrying within two years. In the excitement of a newfound love interest, he had overlooked this too and proceeded to stir up the woman’s heart.

By the time Don realized that he just couldn’t commit, the girl’s heart was already sold out to him and she couldn’t understand why he was pulling away from her. His feelings and the excitement that came with them had blinded him to the facts that would ultimately determine whether he could build anything solid with her. He should have put his excitement aside and taken the time to know her well before charming his way into her heart. This is one of the most common mistakes that men make when they meet a lady. We find a woman who is charming and beautiful and immediately allow our excitement to take the driver’s seat. We engage her heart immediately without considering the big picture only to later backtrack when reason kicks back into play leaving her utterly heartbroken.

Dear men, don’t lead her on if you haven’t known her well enough to make a decision on whether or not you would want her to be part of your life forever. The habit of jumping into purposeless relationships is a sure recipe of messing up one’s life.

Let’s learn from Songs of Solomon 8:4,
“Swear to me, young women of Jerusalem, that you won’t awaken or arouse love before its proper time!”

The writer is a digital media strategist working for Capital FM. He is a blogger at www.dannish.co.ke. Also follow him @dannishodongo

The views and opinions expressed on this article are solely those of the author. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of Capital Group, Capital FM Staff, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

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