![\"Relationships\"](\"https:\/\/www.capitalfm.co.ke\/lifestyle\/files\/2014\/10\/Relationships.jpg\")
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By Zola Ndlovu<\/strong> <\/em><\/p>\n Like consumer goods most romantic relationships have a lifespan. We hook-up then we break-up and then we start the cycle again. Our relationships are transactional instead of being committed and reciprocal.<\/p>\n For each of the stages I\u2019ve described the characteristics of the \u2018Hook-Up Break-up\u2019 cycle and compared it to what relationships should look like.<\/p>\n Check it out and tell me what you think!<\/p>\n This is the initial stage of the relationship where passions are high and reason is nowhere to be seen. When you\u2019re at this stage you\u2019re putting all your effort into studying a person, what their likes, dislikes and interests are, so that you can market yourself well to them. You\u2019re keeping your cards close to your chest because you\u2019re still testing the waters to see if they\u2019re interested in you. You\u2019re not risking everything yet.<\/p>\n The thing is, most people are testing the person for the wrong thing. You\u2019re checking for chemistry when you should be checking for character.<\/p>\n You\u2019re acutely aware of the other person and can\u2019t stop thinking about them. Your view of them is unrealistic and there\u2019s nothing they can do wrong. You\u2019re constantly discovering new and wonderful things in that person that have you falling deeper into the crush.<\/p>\n Intense feelings are normal at this stage but it\u2019s important to recognise for what they are: just feelings. Don\u2019t read too much into things; strive to keep a clear head. Also, study the person for character! Is he kind and generous, does he have integrity? Is he arrogant, angry or superficial? This is your chance to observe a guy before you\u2019re in too deep.<\/p>\n This is the stage where you should be initiating a friendship with a person, initially in a group because that\u2019s much less scary. Also, you\u2019re less likely to do something silly like try and kiss them. Be patient at this stage, focus on establishing a friendship and don\u2019t put the horse before the cart. Keep your emotional and physical boundaries in place.<\/p>\n In a lifetime a person will have multiple relationships that die at the crush\/ development stage. A significantly smaller number will progress and make it to the growth stage. At this stage you know your person a little bit better and some of the initial giddiness has worn off. But you\u2019re still marketing yourself heavily because you haven\u2019t reached the stage where you feel like your relationship is fully ready to take the \u2018real\u2019 you.<\/p>\n At this stage in a relationship emotional and physical boundaries are difficult to enforce because you really want deeper intimacy with your person.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n If it\u2019s happening rapidly then this is the stage where people start sleeping with each other. Big mistake.<\/p>\n The reality is that a large percentage of people who are in relationships (even professing Christians) are having sex with each other. At this stage in a relationship emotional and physical boundaries are difficult to enforce because you really want deeper intimacy with your person.<\/p>\n If you have serious doubts about this guy at the development stage then you shouldn\u2019t even progress to the growth stage. Cut him loose. If you like what you see (character-wise) then this is the stage when you move from just friendship and you move towards intentionally getting to know each other one on one.<\/p>\n At this stage you need to enforce your physical boundaries. Don\u2019t sleep with each other. You also need to have some emotional boundaries according to the level of commitment that you have. No friend-zoning.<\/p>\n Establish what you guys have in common and whether you share the same passions, what direction you want to go in life.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n If you\u2019re a Christian, then you\u2019d only get to this stage with a guy who shares your beliefs and values. You should be growing in spiritual intimacy first before you start diving deep into emotional closeness. Establish what you guys have in common and whether you share the same passions, what direction you want to go in life. Characteristics: product is well established, consumer satisfaction, growth slows down.<\/b><\/p>\n By the time you reach the maturity stage the feelings of infatuation have worn off to something more comfortable and familiar. You\u2019re used to your person and you don\u2019t mind them seeing you unbathed or with your sleeping doek<\/i> on your head. You\u2019re definitely \u2018together\u2019, the relationship is stable and you guys are \u2018going\u2019 steady.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not marketing yourself anymore and you know each other\u2019s rhythms well.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n You\u2019re not marketing yourself anymore and you know each other\u2019s rhythms well. It\u2019s also the time when there is little growth and when it is most vulnerable to competition. A lot of people spend too much time at this stage, these are the people who date for 8 years.<\/p>\n When a dating\/ courtship relationship reaches maturity you both should be ready to be engaged and then married. Don\u2019t continue in a relationship where you have doubts about a guy\u2019s character or there have been serious issues springing up. Ask yourself questions like: Do I see myself with this man for the rest of my life? Would I be happy with him being the father of my children?<\/p>\n Would I be happy with him being the father of my children?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n But you still shouldn\u2019t be sleeping with each other. The reason why is because sex is a covenant good not a consumer good (Tim Keller). When you have sex with someone in marriage it becomes an affirmation of what you\u2019re doing with the rest of your life \u2013 laying it down and opening it up to them. Sex with your boyfriend just doesn\u2019t bear that same significance that a legal marriage has. He\u2019s still keeping certain parts of him to himself and so are you; it\u2019s not a 100% legal commitment. Get married!<\/p>\n Characteristics: fall in sales, change in consumer wants and needs<\/b><\/p>\n What you thought was cute at the development stage is irritating at maturity. You become more aware of what you are giving up for this person and you start asking the question, What if? What if you\u2019d gone for the Engineer who was calling you constantly last year? What would that be like?<\/p>\n You both start growing apart and you don\u2019t want what you thought you wanted three years before. You\u2019ve changed but the relationship is still the same. You think it\u2019s unfair to keep up a lie and your eyes start to wonder. You\u2019re both different people who want different things in life, it\u2019s not them; it\u2019s you. And even though you know in your heart what\u2019s going on, it\u2019s difficult to put it into words.<\/p>\n You\u2019ve changed but the relationship is still the same. You think it\u2019s unfair to keep up a lie and your eyes start to wonder.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n In a marriage this is when your person\u2019s morning breath kills all their sexiness and you\u2019re arguing about money and everything else there is to argue about. Also, you get attracted to other people and your relationship is vulnerable. My married friends tell me that this is normal.<\/p>\n The difference is that when you\u2019re married to someone you have legally binding and lifelong commitment with them. You have an obligation to fight for your marriage and defend it against its enemies. You have to work to work it out because you have so much more to lose. That kind of obligation just isn\u2019t there when a person is your boyfriend.<\/p>\n Relationships were never made to be transactional and sex is not a consumer good. The hook-up\/break-up cycle deprives us of the benefit of committed relationships and they really hurt!<\/p>\n I\u2019d love to know what you think. Do you agree or disagree?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Zola Ndlovu Like consumer goods most romantic relationships have a lifespan. We hook-up then we break-up and then we start the cycle again. Our relationships are transactional instead of being committed and reciprocal. The similarity between the business product cycle and the hook-up break-up cycle is uncanny! For each of the stages I\u2019ve described the characteristics of the \u2018Hook-Up Break-up\u2019 cycle and compared it… <\/p>\nThe similarity between the business product cycle and the hook-up break-up cycle is uncanny!<\/h5>\n
Stage #1 Development<\/h5>\n
Characteristics: testing, research, identifying needs and wants of consumer<\/b><\/h5>\n
The development stage is when the crush is most intense<\/h5>\n
What it should look like:<\/h5>\n
Stage #2 Growth<\/h5>\n
Characteristics: increased popularity, marketing and advertising still high.<\/b><\/h5>\n
Growth can happen slowly or rapidly<\/h5>\n
What it should look like:<\/h5>\n
\n<\/p>\n![\"man](\"https:\/\/www.capitalfm.co.ke\/lifestyle\/files\/2014\/10\/Relationships-2.jpg\")
<\/h2>\nStage #3 Maturity<\/h5>\n
This is the peak of the relationship<\/h5>\n
What it should look like<\/h5>\n
<\/h5>\n
By this time you\u2019ve both grown in emotional and spiritual intimacy<\/h5>\n
Stage #4 Decline<\/h5>\n
What it should look like:<\/h5>\n