Physical intimacy and therefore Sex is one of the key ingredient that make a romantic relationship what it is. That’s what differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one. Sex is very important in a marriage especially. Beyond individual benefits for you and your partner, regular sex supports a healthy relationship in a number of ways. For instance, sex in a monogamous relationship will increase your level of commitment and emotional connection with your partner.
Also, expressing your love through sex will increase the likelihood of couples staying together. As a result, sex is positively associated with a lower divorce rate as several studies have shown.
However, some couples slip into a pattern of letting the physical part of their marriage fall by the wayside. Enter, sexlessness in marriage which can be due to circumstances that can or cannot be helped. I mean, life can get in the way… chores, kids, finances, and other issues are likely to put a damper on romance.
Our good ol’ Wikipedia defines a sexless marriage as “A marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses.”
Sexless marriages can develop over time from a range of possible causes and figuring out whether your marriage has become sexless is something you can determine on your own by recognizing sexual patterns in your marriage and answering simple questions like:
Do you fight bitterness and anger toward your partner?
Do you struggle with depression around your marriage?
Do you feel unloved and undesired from constant rejection from your spouse?
Do you battle temptation to commit adultery or use pornographic material?
Do you argue about sex without achieving lasting changes?
Let’s discuss some of the issues that bring about sexlessness in marriage.
- Habituation
Familiarity breeds contempt, therefore habituation is an important factor to note. Frequency of intercourse tends to diminish over time, especially after the first year or 2 of marriage. Sex takes place with the same person all the time, usually in the same way, therefore novelty and interest can be lost and routine may dominate the union.
2.Low or non-existent sex drive
Sexual aversion or “a low level of sexual desire” includes a lack of sexual vitality due to age, past trauma, partners’ incompatible sexual orientation or, simply, one of the spouses losing sexual interest in the regular companion.
3. Relationship issues
How you solve relationship issues will likely affect your sex life. Some chronic marital conflict can generate a state of permanent hostility that prevents or blocks sexual expression between two partners. The partner who behaves in a passive-aggressive way is usually the one who blocks sexual intercourse as punishment for some imaginary or real slight received from the other.
4. Lack of love and closeness
Losing the romantic spark with your partner may lead to adultery.
Adultery can lead to a sexless marriage in two ways: it can cause the partner having the affair to have reduced sexual interest in their original spouse, and if the affair is discovered, the monogamous spouse may cease to want to be intimate with the adulterous spouse for a number of reasons like broken trust, fear of contracting sexual diseases among others.
Falling out of love is a common in relationships, which of course may lead to lack of attraction o a partner. Partners then feel resentment because of the perceived rejection by the partner who lost interest. Loneliness, anger and self-esteem lowering which are normal reactions by a person feeling their sexual human needs frustrated by voluntary rejection from a partner follow suit.
5.Unresolved trauma in one or both partners’ past
Getting over sexual trauma may take a lifetime. It is also something that victims have confirmed never really goes away. Anxiety towards sex can then affect a marriage negatively with the partner who has never been able to get over their past traumas despite trying their best to put them behind them.
6. Chronic illness or medical reasons
Some medications are known to diminish one’s libido. Antidepressant drugs such as SSRIs can cause difficulty with achieving erections or orgasms..also known as sexual dysfunction.
Sexual dysfunction or difficulty during any stage of the sexual act includes but is not limited to severe vaginismus or erectile dysfunction, and lack of sensations, desire or ability to achieve orgasm resulting as side effects from medication.
Certain endocrine medications used to treat prostate cancer in men, and to prevent natal puberty adolescent patients such as androgen blockers (incase of transitioning from male to female) can cause or exacerbate sexual dysfunction.
7.Childcare stresses or family dynamics
Post-pregnancy issues for a new mother may put a long pause to sexual interactions between a married couple. For couples with children, especially young children, the demands of childbearing and child rearing can lead to stress and exhaustion of one or both parents. This can be made even more complicated when parents have to care for a child with special needs.
8. Lack of sexual desire or attraction
A marriage may be sexless if one or both partners is asexual or if the couple mutually agrees to abstain from sex due to religious principles, avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases, a platonic basis for the relationship or the goal of avoiding conception.
9.Hormonal imbalance and mental health issues
Sexless marriages can be caused by hormonal imbalances, or by illness of one or both partners that affects physical or psychological sexuality (e.g., clinical depression of one or both partners). In case of a mental illness such as depression, sex would be the last thing on the sufferer’s mind.
10. Getting the “ick” and “Life issues” in general
An “ick” is most commonly known as something that’s a turnoff when you have romantic interest in someone. Similar to habituation, one can easily get the ick for their partner after being together for a while.
Resentment in a relationship can be due to an imbalance of duties, responsibilities (moral, spiritual and religious); incompatible ideal, spiritual, moral and behavioral aspects.
Some couples may have sexless marriages because they have different work schedules or busy lives.
Fatigue or exhaustion can also arise from other causes, such as disease.