Blogger, Heather Simpson, lists 33 (shameless) things girls do when they are trying to get pregnant …
1. You calmly start obsessing over what can go wrong on the internet. Which, as it turns out, is everything.
2. You buy a basal body temp thermometer and also start obsessing over your morning temperature.
3. You freak out if your temperature jumps or falls by one 10th of a degree when it isn’t supposed to. What “isn’t supposed to” means is that no one else on an online forum has had this problem.
4. You wonder if this glass of wine you’re drinking will give your future baby permanent brain damage.
5. You then wonder if your morning cup of coffee will make your future baby way too hyper and if you will be able to ever forgive yourself for it.
6. You research what exercises you can do during the two week wait that will keep the embryo from popping off of your uterus when it wants to implant. You convince yourself that running for exercise is not an option.
7. You tell yourself the glass of wine will not give the future baby permanent brain damage.
8. But you only drink half a cup of coffee, just in case.
9. You log on to Pinterest and search for ways you will tell your husband you’re pregnant.
10. You convince yourself that your craving for ice cream is because you are pregnant.
11. You google the fact that your temperature dropped and it might mean implantation or it could mean something else and oh gosh what does 97.2 mean?
12. Implantation bleeding becomes a huge fascination for your google forums search.
13. You wonder if eating yams really causes twins.
14. That second glass of wine was a mistake and my baby is certainly doomed, you think.
15. You begrudgingly click “like” on the baby announcements on Facebook and scroll quickly away.
16. You wonder if you can have morning sickness two days after you ovulated and google it intensely.
17. You figure out you must have worked yourself into a fake morning sickness.
18. You actually feel sick a week later and take a pregnancy test only to find out that it is negative.
19. You google if there is a way for it to be a false negative.
20. You take another test the next day.
21. And the next.
22. And definitely the next.
23. You leave the test out to dry in case a line shows up 13 hours later.
24. A line does show up 13 hours later, so you google everything you can to see if it is accurate.
25. It turns out there’s a curse word called “evaporation line,” and that is what it was.
26. You hide said tests from you husband so he won’t think you’re a psycho.
27. You are convinced that your boob pain means you are pregnant.
28. You get annoyed when the internet tells you that your PMS also gives you boob pain.
29. You google if you can have a period while you’re pregnant.
30. You google again if you can get a false negative and still be pregnant.
31. You google if you can get a false negative and a period throughout your whole pregnancy and still be pregnant.
32. You stumble upon the TV show “I didn’t know I was pregnant” and are convinced that you will be nine months and not know you’re pregnant and this is your destiny.
33. You still contemplate the wine theory even though you’re already on your period.