How to Handle Fights in a Relationship/Marriage

1. Know that it is normal for two people in love to disagree, offend each other, fall short, or misunderstand each other.

2. Always remember how much you love and need each other. Remembering this will give you the incentive to resolve any conflict between you two. Don’t throw away true love because of a passing storm.

3. Know each other’s temperaments. If you are a hot-tempered person, tell your partner/spouse so that your partner/spouse will prepare in case you spark off. But work on your temper still.

4. Agree how to handle fights before fights emerge. A nation develops a constitution to guide its operation, partners/spouses agree on what to do to guide in relations.

5. Don’t let the fear of fighting or disagreeing with your partner/spouse keep you two from confronting each other and expressing your feelings. Too many are tired, bored, frustrated or angry in their relationship/marriage but pretend all is well because they are afraid of talking about heavy and uneasy stuff with their partner. Slowly their relationship/marriage collapses, you can’t pretend for long.

6. Before you confront and blame your partner/spouse, analyze the situation and see if you have played a role in causing the problem.

7. When a fight between you two is approaching or something happens that inflames tempers, walk away, cool off. Don’t talk in anger. Cool down then talk rationally.

8. Remember you are in the same team. Fighting your partner/spouse is fighting what you two have, which in effect is fighting yourself.

9. Avoid insults. Hold and control your tongue, hurtful words only complicate matters, once they are spoken they can’t be taken back.

10. Don’t be tempted to use the information your partner/spouse shared with you in trust to get your way. Don’t use the secrets your partner/spouse shared with you to attack or intimidate your partner/spouse.

11. Don’t disclose matters to a third party. Solve the matter the two of you. Don’t gossip about the short comings of your partner/spouse to your family or friends. Don’t air your dirty linen in public. Cover each other from outsiders as you two remain naked to each other.

12. Pray together. Prayer clears up the air, restores love and order, brings unity of purpose and reminds you that God is watching and you both are God’s children.

13. When talking about the matter, fully talk about it, look for its root cause, lay everything on the table. A problem that is not fully addressed or understood will keep recurring.

14. Give each other a chance to speak. None should feel silenced.

15. Be mindful of your body language. You may not insult but your partner/spouse is paying attention to your body language. Don’t sneer, click or show contempt.

16. Never use your child/children to settle scores in a cold war with each other. You are both loved the same by the child/children.

17. Conclude the matter quickly. The longer tension exists between you two, the more dangerous it grows.

18. Accept responsibility. Being mature doesn’t mean you won’t do wrong or fall short; it means that when you do mess you are wise enough to apologize. Say sorry if you are on the wrong, forgive when you are wronged.

19. Come up with a way forward to prevent the matter from happening again or from causing much damage in the future.

20. Hug. Kiss. Make up. Make love.

21. Laugh about it. Find comedy in your difficult times. No storm lasts always. You two will come out through it closer and stronger. Stay focused, your love is worth fighting for, not fighting each other.

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