Almost everyone who gets married, marries out of love. But why do so many married people end up cheating? It is because they don’t set boundaries. There are nine types of people a married person needs to be aware of and keep boundaries to protect themselves from. Here is how to do it…
1. “The one in need of a hero”
This is where many married men fall prey, they see a young lady, a damsel in distress. They take her in, buy her things, promise to change her life, pay her tuition fees, pay her rent, buy her a car. He feels good because the young lady celebrates and praises him. This is the toughest affair to break because it makes the man feel good as a hero.
Married women also fall prey, especially the successful ones. They get a man in need of support. The man makes her feel good by looking up to her and she keeps supporting him especially financially and giving him her body.
The truth is, many married men and women don’t get appreciated at home. To protect your marriage from being destroyed this way, appreciate each other, make your spouse feel like a hero, look at your spouse in an admiring way. And if out of your good heart one of you identifies someone you’d like to mentor and support, do it together, as a couple. Don’t do philanthropic acts alone, do it as a couple with defined boundaries. Most of all, be a hero at home, to your spouse, your children.
2. “The one with a shoulder to lean on”
This happens when you start running to another person, especially when your marriage is facing issues. You get that one person who is not your spouse you cry to and vent to, you become emotionally attached. Soon, you start meeting up with this person frequently, this person begins to know about your smile, how your day is and what’s on your mind; more than your spouse does. You feel loved, this person feels needed; next thing, you’re having an affair.
To protect your marriage from this, don’t let things deteriorate to the point you cannot vent and cry with each other as husband and wife. Keep good communication channels between the two of you, if there are problems in your marriage talk it out amongst yourselves, not to an an outsider. If that is difficult, then talk to a reputable spiritual leader or a professional counselor or someone of the same gender as you; not someone of the opposite gender who can easilly get close and feelings emerge, distracting you from working on your marriage.
3. “The Neighbor”
David, a man after God’s own heart fell this way. He lusted after a neighbor. Watch yourself, so that you don’t fall for that neighbor hanging clothes outside on the line, washing the car, bending while doing house chores, walking in a loose leso with no bra, dressed in shorts or a vest showing muscles. Watch out for that neighbor who comes to visit and gets cozy in your home, that neighbor that is within reach when you are the only one at home.
Protect your marriage from this by only entertaining visitors when you are together, show love to your spouse before your neighbors, have a healthy sex life that you have no time looking out the window, telling off a neighbor who is checking you out.
4. “The Workmate”
You are married, perhaps you spend more hours at work than at home; Monday to Saturday, 8am to 5pm, or even night shifts. By the time you get home, you spend about three hours with family before sleeping. Even when you do spend time, it is largely talking about responsibilities of the home as you do chores, eat and sleep. This kind of work schedule can easily push you closer to a work colleague and away from your spouse. Breeding ground for an affair.
Protect your marriage from this by putting your marriage out there. Wear your wedding ring with pride, constantly bring your partner in the middle of conversations at work, “My spouse was telling me that…” During lunch break, call your spouse on phone, or better yet, meet your spouse for lunch. Introduce your spouse to the colleagues you work with the most. Keep a photo of your family/spouse in your office and as your phone’s wallpaper. Above all, make time for your spouse, even as you work so hard.
5. “The friend who is too close”
Some easily fall for this because it is difficult to see it coming. You justify spending time with that friend because you’ve known each other from back in the day. You get too comfortable with this friend, it could be your spouse’s friend. You don’t stop the closeness because friendships are a good thing. Soon, you are kissing, having sex with this friend.
Protect your marriage from this by knowing that once you get married, friendships have to be clearly defined. You are now accountable to your spouse, all other friendships come after your marriage in priority and value. Let your friends know you are taken, have boundaries. Introduce your friends to each other, avoid meeting friends of the opposite gender in private venues, keep no secrets from your spouse.
6. “The attractive stranger”
This is that person some meet in a club when drunk, or that repair man who comes to fix something at home when you are home alone. It could that stranger you bump into in your work travels or when outside the country. You might feel a thrill talking with this new person since your spouse is old news, you’ve known pretty much everything about your spouse.
Protect your marriage from this by growing up. Only a fool would abandon a marriage that has stood for years for a complete stranger. Anything exciting you wish to do with a stranger, go do it with your spouse. Spice up your marriage, avoid alcohol and places of casual interactions.
7. “The old flame”
This could be your ex, the man/woman you had a child with but broke up, someone you used to like, or you had sex with in the past. This person appears and a weak spouse gets confused. The old feelings resurface and regrettable sex occurs.
Protect your marriage by opening up about your past to your spouse. Let your spouse know your ex/s and what led to the break up/s. Tell your spouse when someone from the past makes contact. Tell off an old flame that tries to woo you, stand up for your marriage. Don’t be the weak link that makes your marriage break yet the past should remain in the past.
8. “The chat mate”
In this age of social media, many married people are sexting and having phone sex with chat mates. They are excited about going on phone to have naughty sessions with chat mates that they put no effort in their marriage. This is already wrong and it upgrades to a physical meeting with the chat mate to have sexual intercourse, the chat mate turns you on and you want the real sexual experience.
Protect your marriage from this by having phone sex and sexting with your spouse, not a chat mate. Use the phone to better your communication and sex life with your spouse, not to form wrong connections. Ask yourself, if you are really mature and serious about your marriage, will you be comfortable and proud if your spouse goes through your phone conversations?
9. “The Help”
This is that employed adult who gets to live in your house or who frequents your house to help out. Many men have ended up having sex with a househelp, some married women have also had affairs with the shamba boy or a helper at home. This brings shame upon your home and to your spouse. How dare you have sex with an employee in the home you build with your spouse.
Protect your marriage from this by hiring a house help as a team. Hire someone of good repute. Have rules to follow that you agree together as a couple. Wife, involve your husband in making the rules as often, when a husband is absent in rule making, he ends up over-riding the rules the wife gives. Rules like dress code, no access to the master bedroom, do’s and don’ts. Be loving in the presence of the househelp. Be a team.
Don’t entertain temptations. Make boundaries married man, married woman.