In these modern times, being an unmarried, 30+ year old woman will earn you worried looks and you will automatically be heaped into Methuselah’s age group.
Worse yet, being an unmarried, celibate, 30+ year old woman will earn you piteous looks. Looks that secretly tell you that you should be worried for yourself. Looks that are somehow disdainful and perhaps seem to ask “why lady, why?“ Ok, I’ve exaggerated a little.
Hi, my name is Maureen and I am a single, 30+ year old, not too harsh on the eye (hehehe), living a good life, in a decent apartment, happens to be a book lover, a health enthusiast, a wine drinker and on a new and interesting journey called CELIBACY. Yes you read right, I am celibate and I have been for a while now. Did you shudder at the thought of celibacy? Did you feel worried for me? A little? Yes? I know, I know I’m so used to those puzzled “Why-the-hell-would-you-do-that-to- yourself- lady? ” kind of looks . Those looks that amuse me especially knowing that going celibate has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
It is only recently that I’ve chosen to wear my celibacy tag publicly. Before, I think I was either embarrassed of being different or afraid of “premature rejection.” Now that I am fully convinced that going celibate was the best decision I made for myself, I am mighty proud of it. Bring on the sex topic and bam! I will drop the C-bomb on you.
I meet a guy (I did mention that I’m not so bad looking right?), we get talking and chatting and then we decide to meet up for the proverbial drink or something. The date happens and it goes well. This I know because there was lots of laughter and coyness and blushing and staring into each others’ eyes and more laughter (I’m talking about hilarious knee-slapping moments) which of course leads to setting up a second date. The second date goes even better because we’re both less nervous this time around and he even asks to take me home or follow me home to make sure that I am safe. But when we get home, he asks if he can come upstairs to which I respond by telling him that I don’t think it’s a good idea because it’s late. He agrees that maybe that would be taking things a little too fast to which I respond with “No, that’s not even it. I.AM.CELIBATE.” The next thing I usually see is dust as the guy will have driven off faster than a rally driver.
I’m usually left there feeling amused and just for the sake of it I shout out to no one in particular, half coughing because of the dust “Let me know when you get home!” And then I laugh knowing that my number was deleted somewhere in between the C-bomb and the unsettled dust. I even have my own inside joke where I mutter to myself “I wonder what it is that you said to that guy to make him get away from you that fast.” With a huge sigh I proceed to my apartment knowing that that chapter is sealed.
It doesn’t always end that way though, sometimes I am forced to drop the C-bomb via text and then I wait and wait and wait for a reply which never comes and after a few minutes I deduce that the guy must have suffered a heart attack but in reality I always know that he must have let go of his phone so fast as if the message he just received gave him an electric shock. Comic times I tell you. Such have become the interesting scenarios of my love life.
I am celibate going on a year now (i.e since I made the decision. Not that I had much action going on before I made the vow to myself anyway) and I feel whole just as I am.
A number of reasons led me to make this life-changing and peace-of-mind-giving decision. In these modern times cheating is like changing clothes, divorce is just a signature away, sex is the new handshake, ghosting (when someone just suddenly cuts communication and disappears on you) is a thing, being good in bed has made it to the top of the list of qualities to possess for one to be considered a suitable partner and Celibacy is majorly frowned upon. It is all so complicated.
A while back I watched the movie “What’s your number?” A movie about a woman who read an article in a magazine that said that if you have been with more than 20 men then you will never get married. So she decided to write down a list of all the men she had been with and it turns out that she had been with 19 men! She then vows to herself that the 20th guy will be the one she gets married to but after an alcohol-induced soiree she wakes up to find herself naked, in bed with a half-clothed man that she didn’t even like. For the rest of the story you will just have to find the movie and watch it.
Celibacy is not just a matter of not having sex. It is a way of admiring a person for their humanity, maybe even for their beauty. -Timothy Radcliffe
Anyway, that movie got me thinking about the sex cycle. How often we meet people we like, start a relationship, take the relationship to the next level and then break up. Sadly, we live in a society where no one wants to be single because it’s too boring, so shortly after we break up with someone we try to find someone else, fall head over heels in love with them, start a relationship, take the relationship to fourth base, something goes wrong in the relationship, the relationship is over and then you move on to the next one. The next thing you know you have been with more people than you can count on your fingers and toes. Not because you are immoral but because it is what it is thanks to the society we currently live in. I won’t even talk about those girls who just jump from bed to bed with people they met two seconds ago because to them that’s what fun entails. Alcohol also plays a huge role in this having multiple sexual partners issue. Sex before marriage has sadly been made an imperative and I find myself envying our folks because those guys married their first or second boyfriend/girlfriend.
For me going the celibacy route was a personal choice. Just like one chooses to wear heels over flats, or keep their pubic hair instead of shaving it all off. I chose no sex until marriage over casual sex. My celibacy vow is a gift to myself. My time is never wasted pining over a guy who is out to have some fun with no intention of making me his wife. Or waiting by the phone for days for a guy (who is with another woman by the way) to call me back because I gave him the goods and got emotionally attached to him. I don’t have to freak out every time my period is a day or five late. I am not afraid to visit the gynae because I may have contracted some stupid infection (HPV who?). I don’t have to take any contraceptives or worry about having a baby out of wedlock. Or getting married to/forced to stay with someone I don’t really get along with because we got pregnant. Sure as hell I do not dread walking into that VCT Center because I know for sure that I will leave with my head held high and my dignity intact.
Ask yourself this question “If I married the last person I had sex with, would I be happy?”
Your belief in God, Your level of education, Your appearance, Your political views, where you live , how you spend your alone time, how you live your life are among the things that you owe no one an explanation for… but yourself. You set your own goals and lucky for you, you also get to set your own standards.
I may be the odd one out of many of us modern lot but you know what? I am unique and I choose to bask in that uniqueness that legit comes with peace of mind.
I’ve been reminded several times about how my chances of meeting a man are now slimmer than tracing paper which is true because apart from the odds I mentioned in the beginning, I still refuse to settle for less or for what I’m not feeling truly. I’ve heard people mention something about no one wanting to marry someone without a little test drive. To that I say puh! Test driving is just something some salesman came up with. Leave that to the cars salesman, he needs the commission and besides you are not “goods” to be sold with a warranty. Sometimes you just have to know in your heart what is right and what will fit perfectly just by looking at it. That’s what I know will happen in my case. Ha! I will wait and besides, no good deed goes unrewarded right?
I have learnt a lot in my celibacy journey.
*For one I know that Usain Bolt has got nothing on a guy running away from a girl who just revealed that she’s celibate.
*Your naked body should belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.
*It is amazing how clear your mind becomes when you are celibate.
*If you want something done right, do it yourself. Love thyself and embrace your truth.
*Maintaining a celibate relationship is hard, that’s why standards must be set and God has to be centered.
We get married in church in the presence of God where two become one and the two are usually celebrated for choosing each other. You were not created to become one flesh with several people and leave part of your DNA with a host of people. God made one man, one woman to become one flesh.
I would like to end this with one question: Are there any celibates out there?