(By Laura Lifshitz)
When my ex and I first split, I asked myself, “Why did this all happen?”
I didn’t have the ability to process all that this divorce would have in store for me. Eventually though, I pulled so many gems and appreciation for my dissolved marriage. I grew so much and I healed. Even though divorce always seems to bring about new situations and sometimes struggles, I am not defined by divorce anymore.
And then when I met someone I really adored in my single world almost two years after divorce and it didn’t pan out due to issues on his end, I asked the same question, somewhat differently: ‘Why did I meet this man?”
This time though, it didn’t take me so long to garner life lessons and information to help me in my search for the “perfect for me” partner.
1. Not everyone can be ‘forever’
Most people we date will not be for forever. Most will be for a season or a reason — not a lifetime. True love is special. If it happened every day, no one would care about it.
I really loved my husband and I am pretty sure he loved me, but either way, I know he was my first love, and I am glad I had the experience.
As far as “mystery guy,” he said he loved me but whether he loved me or not remains to be known and it will remain a mystery…
2. We don’t always get closure
I am one of the few lucky divorced people that has complete closure. I know why we both decided to end it. For “mystery guy” nothing made sense. He confused me and none of the messages he sent matched.
I don’t know why he entered my world or why he left, and that’s life.
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3. Love doesn’t hurt
If it hurts, it’s not love— it’s just not.
Sorry, not sorry.
4. I can survive anything. No one died from heartbreak
Heartbreak ends. It’s not forever. We can endure much more than we give ourselves credit for.
5. If the person loves you, he/she comes back
When people leave and leave for good, the love is over.
If he or she comes back, there was probably a deep connection unless the person comes back out of convenience or fear, which I have seen happen often!
6. Separated people are not ready
Unless someone has started the divorce process, stay away. They are in limbo and not ready.
7. You don’t NEED anyone
I want someone but I don’t need anyone. I have been a single parent for two years and guess what? I haven’t withered away yet!
8. Mixed signals are no BUENO
If someone is sending you mixed signals, promptly walk away. That’s kryptonite right there.
9. If he or she lies to him or herself, he or she will lie to you
Dealing with a man who wouldn’t come clean with himself meant he couldn’t really be honest with me or anyone.
If you’re with someone in denial, nothing is genuine.
10. You should give to give, not receive
Real love means you give because you love the person, not because you are looking for a payback.
11. Enter with caution
Keep all eyes open when getting involved with someone. Never conveniently cover your eyes to keep yourself from being alone. When you end up broken up and devastated, you will have wished you never got involved in the first place.
12. You should be on all decks
If someone loves you, you are incorporated into his or her world, on all decks — not on some.
13. Don’t be naive
I always gave people credit. Too much.
14. You’ll forget them
You won’t truly forget the person, but eventually, you won’t care anymore. Even if you were married for centuries eventually, the feelings do fade. You will move on.
15. Don’t commit your heart until he or she has too
Don’t get too involved unless that person has you on all decks. You don’t need to throw all your cards in for some woman or man who is still holding back. You deserve better.
16. You deserve better
Even when I thought I didn’t, I did.
17. Each relationship is a chance to learn
Each person that comes into your life gives you a chance to learn and grow. Use that opportunity!
18. Not everyone says I Love You and actually means It
Some people say it when horny to get you to respond.
Some people say it when lonely.
Some people just say what you want to hear.
Some people don’t mean it.
If someone says I love you, I hope that person means it, but sometimes, it’s dead words with no actions to back it up. Talk is cheap.
19. Let it go
If you are feeling less-than, unloved or insecure about the relationship, let it go!
20. You can’t change him/her
You cannot change the person’s mind or behaviors. Only he or she can.
21. Divorce is expensive
So make the right choice the second time around. I didn’t even hire a lawyer, and it costs in every sense of the word.
After one divorce, I have no desire to do it again so if I get married again, buddy… you’re in it for the long haul!
22. If you are valued, the person will show you
Someone who loves you, shows you.
And if the person breaks your heart and walks away, he or she will come back like I said in point five.
23. If the person walks away, BE GLAD!
Yes, if the person leaves, be glad! The person obviously didn’t love you. Why would you want to be saddled with THAT for life? Someone who doesn’t care about you?
If he or she cheats or walks away, let him or her go.
24. Being single Is better than being sad and coupled
Being single is way better than being with someone and feeling lonely.
25. The devil you know is NOT necessarily better than the one you don’t
So many of the people I know stay in sad situations because it is familiar and less scary than the outside world of the “devils they didn’t know.” Or worse, they think trudging their kids through the terrible marriage is better for them and so they stick with the “devil they know.”
Don’t settle for comfort and misery.Go for the unfamiliar and strange. Go for a new life. Take a chance. Do not settle for misery.
26. Forgive and don’t make the same mistake twice
If you mess up in love, learn and don’t repeat the same mistake twice.
27. Forgive and move forward
In order to love again, you must forgive the ones who hurt you. This doesn’t mean forget. It means forgive, and let go.
28. If he/she doesn’t fight for you, he/she doesn’t love you
Did he or she walk away easily? Quit in marriage counseling? Easily break up? Never defends or honours you? Yes… you’re better off without the person.
29. If he/she always picks family over you in fights, it will end
If he or she picks family over you during family drama… ouch! It happens but if it happens always? Not good.
30. If your partner lies constantly or to others — even constant white lies: IT’S BAD
If he or she lies… ugh, don’t be that person’s fool.
Someone who learns the hard Way sometimes