Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who wants to break up with a man she no longer loves, but is too scared to leave, as he threatens her every time she tries…
Please help me. I have been in a relationship with the father of my baby for eight years now. For the past three years I have not loved him. I’ve told him so many times that I do not love him and we must end the relationship. He responded by beating me up and he tried to kill himself. He also threatened to expose some of our secrets we have together, and then I had no choice but to go back to him, even though I know I do not love him.
I want him out of my life
Now we have a beautiful nine-month-old baby girl together, and things are getting worse in our relationship. We’re always fighting about our baby maintenance. It’s not like he doesn’t support the baby anymore, but I always have to run behind him to get the baby’s things, and if he buys baby things, he buys less than what I’ve asked for.
Now I’ve decided to write him off from my baby’s life and my life. This time I’m tired of him, but I need help as to how I am going to break up with him. I want him out of my life.
Thank you for your letter. You say that you have been with your boyfriend for eight years and have not loved him for the last three of those years.
It would seem that you went back to him after you left because you were afraid that he would make public secrets that you share. Did you consider that if he does this he will be publically hanging out his dirty washing alongside yours? You seem to really care that no-one finds out what you feel ashamed of. Does he not care how he will be perceived?
Consider what you are hiding and if the price for that is worth it?
If you tell your nearest and dearest your secret, he can have no power over you. It is more important to take responsibility for our bad choices than to be perfect.
Having not read “how to win and influence people” he attempted to win your commitment by manipulation, pain and fear. It would seem that he likes the power game that he has and took to beating you when you threatened to change the rules.
In case his beating did not have the same effect on you as a dozen red roses and you weren’t feeling like you wanted to stay with him forever, he thought that he would get the point across to you really well by staging his suicide.
You are only responsible for your actions and reactions, not those of another
He can only manipulate you if you allow him to. As he has shown you, you cannot control someone else’s choices, even if they are suicide.
If you leave him, he will still be eligible to pay maintenance for the child and you can apply for a set maintenance order. You can also apply for a restraining order against him so that he can be arrested if he attempts to threaten you.
He may well prove to be a better father than partner and, for your daughter’s sake, you should consider what role he will play in her life.
It is clear to me why you would want to leave him as you do not seem to be safe with this man who attempts to manipulate and control you with fear.
This man wants you to stay even though you are clearly unhappy. He is not interested in changing and working on the relationship to make you happy – it doesn’t appear to matter to him if you are unhappy or not.
Your happiness is in your hands and you have the power to make choices for your life to ensure that.
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings