(From the Archives) I learned something interesting from a sex therapist the other day. Normally I try to ignore their one-size-fits-all advice when it comes to intimacy. I mean in all honesty these people have never met me OR my partner so how the hell are they supposed to know what works for us in bed?
Well for some reason my mind was changed by a sex doctor who appeared on one of Oprah’s shows recently. Its hard to explain why this particular woman immediately received a full dose of credibility from my end…but I have a feeling sitting next to the queen of talk shows had something to do with it.
While the therapist’s words of wisdom seemed geared more towards married couples, somewhere along the way I felt as though she was talking directly to the inside of my bedroom. She had been going on for a while about how sex can be improved by proper communication and how you should tell the other person what you like in bed and vice versa. But here is my problem. I don’t have a husband, or a boyfriend, or even a lover. I have a ‘person’.
This person and I share very little other than text messages arranging our un-romantic rendezvous. I prefer to look at them more as business meetings that have a very strict procedure. We meet up, watch some TV, and satisfy our sexual desires with as little personal talk as possible. Come to think of it, I think we talk more while we’re doing the do than when we’re sitting on the couch idly. No asking questions, no telling of unnecessary tales, no titles. No dinner, no breakfast, just an occasional offering of a drink. So you can see how hard it is for me to start bringing up the Oprah show and what the sex therapist said the other day in-between our minimal conversation.
Having said that, it was the moment when the sex therapist said the following words that I felt I had hit the jackpot: “You can tell most peoples sexual preferences by observing how they give pleasure. Watch the things your partner does to you, and in which order they are done. 9 times out of 10 they’re speaking to you without using words”. ‘Oh my goodness’, I thought to myself. That’s exactly what I was going to do on our next escapade. Granted my side-person and I had been hooking up for close to a year, we were at the point where I thought some spice needed to be added to the routine and this was the perfect way to do so without ever having to talk about it!
So I got to work during our next bedroom meeting. My plan seemed to be working for a while until about halfway through when something very strange happened. Just as we were getting into the heat of the moment, his equipment suddenly mal-functioned! With as little judgment in my eyes as possible, I began to watch him desperately attempt to divert the attention elsewhere by turning up the oral pleasures. I know how embarrassing this must be for a man so I was as accommodating as possible. After what I thought was a painfully long time, he finally got things working again and we proceeded to conclude the experience with very little satisfaction on both ends.
As I drove home the next morning I couldn’t help but think of the previous night. Was it me? Had I let myself go a little? I didn’t think so…in fact if anything I was in the best physical shape of my life! I had embraced my femininity quite a bit over the past couple of months and I felt good about what I was bringing to the table. Had our rendezvous gone on too long? Had the sex therapist lied??!!!
I called up a good guy friend of mine, told him the story and asked him what had gone wrong. His answer was hard to swallow but it seemed like it was due time that I start swallowing the truth rather than…well…that’s a whole other article.
“Clande’s are there to sustain you in between relationships; as in they’re temporary. You guys have been ‘chipsing’ each other for ten months, you have no commitment, and who knows what’s happening when you leave that bed. My dear, its time for you to move on. This thing has run its course and you both know that. So find someone new. A lover, a boyfriend, a husband…whatever you can handle right now but this clande has expired!”
I hung up the phone mid-chuckle. He was right. And so was the therapist. The only people not telling the truth in this story were the ones having bad sex. There are a lot of things I will tolerate in this lifetime, but bad sex? No thank you.