I am all for being yourself and allowing your date to get an accurate impression of who you are. But, we often confuse what actually does give an accurate impression. We all have skeletons in our closets, a couple of issues and insecurities, and some stories that we wish would just go away. That’s fine. But it’s how you treat those matters that says more about you than the fact that they exist.
Your family is nuts
Your father is an alcoholic. Your sister can’t hold a job and acts like a perpetual teenager. Your mom had an affair. Even if it’s not that drastic, you really shouldn’t dish on your family too early on because it makes it seem like you are mad at them. And of course, we all have a point of tension here or there with a family member(s), but, whatever you bring up on the first few dates is something that your date will interpret as part of who you are, versus just a dynamic in your life. You don’t want to make it seem like who you are is someone who is perpetually pissed at their family.
Your last relationship ended tragically
This can be as tragic as suicide (I do hope no one has had to suffer through this), as frightening as a restraining order or as heartbreaking as infidelity. These things may have happened to you, but again they are not who you are. If you tell a man of something tragic in your life before he gets the chance to see that you are now a well-adjusted, happy and healthy person, he may become incapable of seeing that, and just blinded by the tragic story you tell him.
Your number of sexual partners
Having a small number doesn’t mean you don’t know your way around the bedroom. Having a high number doesn’t mean you’re incapable of monogamy and a committed relationship. However, if a man is just getting to know you, and hasn’t yet had a chance to see that you are capable of commitment or that you are great in bed, knowing your “number” might give him pre-conceived notions that are tough to shake.
Details of your single life
This is an extension of the previous point. Are you in a “Girls Gone Wild” video? Not his business (pray he never finds it). Did you used to ride the mechanical bull weekly at your local Western bar in teeny, tiny jean shorts? He doesn’t need to know that. Did you host multiple “SEO’s and Office Ho” parties in your day? Let that be in the past. As stated before, a man needs to know that you are capable of not being totally wild, before he can hear about your wild days with a more objective ear.
Your childhood traumas
It is tragic, but a lot of grownups had traumatic experiences as children. Abusive parents. Jumping from foster home to foster home. Just an overall turbulent childhood. But, these are things that can be recovered from, and often are. Let a guy see that you’re a stable and emotionally sound individual before you let him know the details of a childhood that seems it would have turned out a not so emotionally sound adult.
You’re struggling with depression or anxiety. You’re having an identity crisis over your job. Whatever it may be. When you and a man are close, you should definitely be able to share these things with him and find support in him. But, if you bring these issues up within the first couple of dates, you may just seem like too much drama for him. You know you’re not too much drama and that you’ll get a handle on things, but the fact that you’re bringing it up very soon makes it seem like a very prominent thing in your life.
That you loved him at first sight
Or that you knew you’d end up together. Once you and a guy are madly in love, it is great to say these things. There is nothing freaky about it when it turned out that you were correct! But, no matter how strongly you feel that something serious will happen with a guy upon first getting to know him, saying that to most men just scares them away.
By Julia Austin