Keep your Tiger out of the Woods

Cheating Etiquette

Like everything in life, cheating has to be done with some sense of decorum. Gentlemen it is unacceptable for you to go dipping your wick willy nilly. The problem with doing things haphazardly is that often the consequences are immediate, the repercussions hefty.

Tiger Woods, world greatest golfer and the man once forecasted to become the first billionaire athlete has to date lost his reputation, his wife and children and an estimated USD 35 million in deals just because he broke the most basic of cheating etiquette.

Here are a couple of ground-rules for all those so-called “players” out there.

If anyone calls you a “player” either not very good at cheating or they are just massaging your fragile male ego setting you up for a fall. Briefly, you are doing badly on the cheating game. Did you know Tiger was an absolute dog before he was caught?

Cheat with class. Parking your car in the lots of seedy motels renown to home body peddlers is just tacky. Be discreet. Wear some sunglasses and a hat and take a taxi there.

Do not cheat too close to home. Siblings are strictly and completely off limits. Leave her best friend, her sister, her mother, her cousin, the bestmaid at your wedding for the other players. Identical twins are fair game. Technically it is the same person twice, isn’t it?

Depending on your reputation (definitely none of you is a Tiger Woods), cheating below the line is illegal. By below the line I mean you cannot cheat too far down your station. Do not cheat with your neighbour’s maid. Do not cheat with the office tea girl, unless you really do not care about your current status at work and in the industry.

You cannot share a cheat. Unless you are in a same sex relationship, you and your girl cannot cheat on each other with the same person. Your girl’s boy-toy is hers.  Keep your grubby fingers the hell away from him and find your own side dish.  This rule does not apply if your girl is cheating on you with Halle Berry, then you have a fiduciary duty to humanity to… ahem. Pray for the strength that you will need to do what you MUST do.

If you are abroad for a maximum of one month, it is not cheating. I mean if I am alone on a work placement for three months in Barbados, I must not be faulted for straying. It is just passport sex.

Drunkenness has never been and will never be a valid reason for cheating. The thing people forget about Dutch courage is that it never makes you do anything you have not thought about before. So tell that to Jamie Foxx he just might take you back but get the hell out of my face right now.

Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condom use cannot be overemphasised. At Ksh10 for three, no man has an excuse. Only first-rate idiots will risk contracting the numerous drug resistant sexually transmitted infections not to mention the incurable HIV. Also worse is procreating in the process. Can you imagine if Tiger Woods had to contend with bastards and child support costs too?

Keep your mouth shut and stay away from all recording devices, video, still or audio. Remember how surprised we all were to learn of Tiger’s 12, extra marital, holes? The problem with most men is they feel the need to brag about their conquests. Even worse, take funny photos that end up on Facebook. Schtum. What happens between the sheets stays between the sheets. Do not even mention it to your shrink or priest.

Nobody is perfect. Just like Tiger Woods, you will be caught, eventually. There are always external circumstances beyond our control. When you are caught, my advice is to behave like an insurance company. Deny. Deny. Deny.

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