Relationship success for dummies

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Relationships are hard work. I should know. I am a lazy bastard that’s why I am not in one. Technically speaking I am in one with myself and even that is exhausting. But why can’t we just simplify everything and make relationships easy? I daresay that if it were up to men it would be easy.

The number one problem with Kenyan relationships is Kenyan women. Yes, I said it. Men are from earth not mars and women are from Earth not Venus …deal with it. Kenyan women do not have a mind of their own when it comes to dating that’s why there are so many problematic relationships.

A relationship, in my view, is an interpersonal affair between two people. Kenyan women have relationship tribunals that are set up every time there is something small going on in their lives. I have seen these tribunals at work and our justice system would do well to pick out some pointers from these women.

These tribunals dissect everything as though they were in the middle of an evidentiary hearing (Boston Legal lingo.). Unlike Allan Shore, your eloquence will not suppress any dissenting voices. This is not a jury of your peers gentlemen. It is a kangaroo court with one aim only, to hang you.

Herein lays my point. Women err when they seek advice on men from other women. Kenyan women err even more when they seek advice on Kenyan men from Caucasian women magazine writers. “100 ways to keep your man happy.”What? There are not 100 ways to do it.

I will never tire of saying this. There are probably a maximum of five ways to keep a man happy. Keep clothes at a minimum in bed, feed me, have cold booze in the freezer, leave the remote the hell alone and do not speak especially during a football game. After the game, we are right as rain.

Unlike women, men do not discuss their relations, they gloss over the key points.

“My old lady is mad as hell this weekend.”

“What did you do? “

“I don’t know. I just know she is pissed.”

“Do not sweat it man. Here let me get you another beer.” End of discussion. The female version of that same conversation would require another 500 words. My editor will not indulge me.

Living with women is hard enough but your man is willing to work at it, which is why you are still by his side in the first place. Why complicate it by letting your friends try to re-live their failed relationships through you? You have a problem with me, talk to me not Njeri.

Yes, men have their quirks but they are very simple creatures. If you want your relationship to work, do not change who you are because you are with a man. He liked you the way you are. He expects nothing less than that. A man will stand by your meltdowns, fake hair crisis, running mascara, bitchy judgmental friends (the mental ones too) and buy you comfort food when you need it.

He will listen to you go on about your mom after you have been on the phone with her for hours (on my phone.) He will accept your child(ren) from another man and take care of him/her as his own. He will let your dad give him grief about what he is doing wrong.

black-couple-on-a-dateHowever, certain terms and conditions apply.

Do not talk about what you do in your house to your friends. Do ask him how his day was before you go on about how he has left his socks on the floor. And maybe once a week some sex would be nice.

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