When it’s time to let go…

letting-go

I skipped a meeting today, and I did it on purpose. My friends will all tell you that this is highly uncharacteristic of me. They actually tend to say that I’m punctual to a fault. I never miss meetings, and I am sure as hell never late. I’m the queen of making plans, and I take them all very seriously.

I’ve been trying to organize this particular meeting for over a month. I have called, texted, and when necessary had other people call and text to make sure it happens. My mind has been set on this goal to the point that, when the probability of this meeting actually happening was at 95%, I realized something. I had been focused so much on trying to make it happen that I had forgotten why I had originally wanted it in the first place.

Today was the day I was supposed to meet up with my ex-boyfriend for coffee, but I bailed. It was not an amicable break up, so I had
to wait for the post-break up cycle to take its course. man_waiting__3116497_715392760.jpgThe worst part is that I’m the one who initiated the break-up, under the pretense of ‘taking a break’. To a man with a very large ego, having your heart broken via text message in the midst of what seems to be a loving relationship is not something to be forgiven or forgotten anytime soon.

So, I gave him roughly a month and a half to cool down. During that time, I was starting to realize how lonely I was, and questioning whether I had made the right decision. The relationship was a love-hate one. Our characters were so similar, it was a problem.

We fell for each other almost instantly, after meeting at a mutual friend’s birthday party… We ended up spending the rest of the weekend together, and, by Monday, we were in a relationship. It was a whirlwind romance, and while I typically gag at the thought of ‘love at first sight’…I felt differently about it when it happened to me.

Needless to say, everything was happening too fast. We were getting to know each other – and realizing that our relationship was not going to be a bed of roses. He needed to understand my complex mood swings and trust issues. I needed to understand the enormity of his ego and make peace with it – like Beyoncé does in that one song. We were both working full time, plus he was going to school in addition to that. Quality time for us meant hanging out with all his friends drinking, clubbing and causing mayhem. So you can see why, a few weeks into it, I began to reevaluate things…

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While I do realize that texting may not have been the best way to go about things, the bottom-line was that we either needed to give more to the relationship, or call it quits. I chose to call it quits; I just didn’t consult him about it. But now that I had spent time really thinking about things, I kind of wanted him back. So I took up the task of trying to track down a man who wanted nothing to do with the girl who broke his heart. Too bad I’m relentless when it comes to getting what I want. So I kept at it. The texting, the calling, the “Why the hell are you so difficult?” conversations. I even ran into him at the club, a couple of times, and tried talking to him then. I tried talking to his friends – and the message was clear. They all told me that I had done him dirty, and he needed a lot more time to heal. I guess for a man to be losing weight over a break-up must mean that he took it pretty hard (Or that I’m quite a catch, hehe!)

But I still wanted to talk. I wanted him back. I went on a shopping spree and bought him a very costly goodie bag full of designer gifts along with a card that colorfully said ‘I’m sorry’. About three weeks into this chase, however, my feelings began to change. He was being so evasive, it was making me wonder whether this was all worth it. I had also started receiving attention from other guys, and so no longer felt as lonely and desperate as I had when this ordeal started. By this time, I had stashed the goodie bag far into the depths of my closet, and the fond memories were starting to fade.

But like I said earlier, when I set out to do something I rarely give up. It took a crazy night of partying and a massive hangover on Sunday morning for me to gain the courage to call my ex up again yesterday. To my surprise, rather than beat around the bush or tell me to call back in a week, he was willing to have coffee with me the very next day. He asked that I call him when I was free for us to meet up. I hung up the phone in shock and unsure of whether the alcohol still in my system had been playing tricks on me. At some point the hangover wore off and I realized that this was it. Tomorrow was the big day.

clock2_4180085_607588733.jpgToo bad I had no clue what to say. I mean, at this point, what can I say?

“Uuuh… so I’m sorry I broke your heart. I wanted you back at some point so I bought you all this stuff – but I don’t think I want to give it to you anymore “cause you’ve kind of acted like an idiot lately and I have someone way hotter pursuing me”???

I mean seriously. I tossed and turned all night, last night, trying to think of what I’d say. It wasn’t until I woke up this morning …that I realized I really didn’t have anything to say to him anymore. So I skipped the meeting. I didn’t call or text. I just decided that it was finally a wrap on the wild goose chase.

Somehow I feel liberated. I’m happier today than I have been in over a month and I think I know exactly why. I’ve finally let him go.

 

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