Sex does NOT equal Love


‘Shhhhhhhh… not so loud!!!’ I overheard the two young ladies at the next table say, as I sat at one of the trendy coffee shops in this lovely city of ours. It was impossible not to overhear their conversation, as I tried to work on my next presentation.

The gist of the conversation was that one of them had met a man the day before and as the evening got ‘juicier’ she had ended up spending the night at his place. Her voice was filled with excitement, and she was aglow like a firefly in the dark…although it was only noon, with the sun shining brightly overhead. She went on to describe every single minute detail of her previous night’s encounter to her friend… and concluded her tale by stating: ‘I think I am in love!’

“Oh-oh,” I thought helplessly, “NOT a good sign at all.” Here was a classic case of undeniable confusion. Let me de-thread this statement, as it is necessary to exemplify how vastly different the functionality and understanding between men and women are, in many arenas. Sex, especially as a one night stand is…SEX! This does not mean that it cannot eventually turn into a relationship, however, the chances of that are slim when two people have indulged in the flesh, without really knowing each other. Physical attraction, peppered with alcoholic stimulation, causes the chemistry and KABOOM. To begin thereafter dreaming of a future and setting a date for marriage is nothing far from baloney.

Times have changed, and, nowadays, many women feel and behave more like their counterparts, in that they are able to have sex, and forget it the next morning. Inherently, however, women will only share their bodies when they feel a certain ‘something’ beyond plain sexual attraction. Oftentimes, it could be the wanting or needing of a relationship, and the hope that the intimacy will lead to this.

From my innumerable conversations with both sexes, I have had enough input to understand that this is not usually the outcome following a one-nighter. There may be a few more meetings following the first, however, these are mostly based on the sexual anticipation.

For most men, sex is sex, and they, at least, have a raw understanding of their physical needs, which require satisfaction ‘right here, right now’. Many a marriage or close relationship has broken down when this phallic urge has been impossible to restrain. To not fall into this trap, it is necessary to understand the different places men and women come from, and what the ‘gaps’ are, in order to really view things as they stand, rather than give in to dreamy ventures of a happy life together after a night on the town.

In the past, sexual rules were clearly laid down, and had to be followed or the consequences were beyond dire -for women. The basis of control and power that ranges from religious, cultural and traditional divides, reduced women to second class citizens, and eventually brought about undeniable acrimony. In the last fifty years, therefore, have seen revolutionary changes in the interactions of men and women, and humanity continues to walk a tight rope in finding a balanced and harmonious way of life. The pendulum, in some cases, has swung the other way, where female dominance is now in place. Any dominance, however, is unhealthy, regardless, and while women pursue their rights, sometimes the fine line seems unclear. It is crucial that both sexes work hand in hand towards a better understanding of each other rather than create more separation and aggravation.

Relationships are our biggest challenge, regardless of religion, race, tribe, geographical location, colour, ethnicity or any other supposed division one can dig up. Further, sex is not a well discussed topic in most households, leading to much disillusion and misunderstanding. But let’s get real, people! Sex is, and always has been a major governing force in our lives. It is as natural as a a new morning. The old belief systems rooted us in limitation. Fornication was supposedly required as a reproductive act for humanity, and a necessary release for men, who suffer intolerably as providers, supporters and the rulers in our world. Women formed part of the package as silent, duty-bound recipients. The eventual battle of the sexes has brought this to light, and is apparent today, more than any other time in history. In addition to this fact, vows of an everlasting ‘one and only’ marriage have now become part of an archaic collection for divorce courts, which are currently bursting at the seams. Top this with the fact that statistics show that 60-70% of long-term relationships are suffering from some malaise or another, creating a foggy, desperate and unloving population. What is happening to us?

The sanctity of a loving union has fallen by the wayside, as we struggle to re-wire our understanding of life and the significance of what really matters. And yet, our lives revolve around relationships; either we are in one, want one, need one, expect or crave one or want to get out of one. We are not separate islands living on planet Earth -we are a collection of living cells with vibrating emotions, essences and forms, that require meaning and definition -from each other. Is it possible that some of us have lost our sense of connection, worth and value, and become the cold, calculating, unfeeling humans that focus on personal gain at whatever cost? Is it true that our lives are now about how much more we can get, in tangible terms, rather than about the inner aspect without which we wander aimlessly, seeking that which we cannot find?

And so to ‘Love.’ Love is THE topic of the 21st century… due to the fact that modern psychology tells us that it is lacking in our society. Umpteen reasons are statistically researched and provided for this misery that has beset our lives. Love has innumerable definitions that must be met, and without which one feels cast aside and abandoned. What do we need to love one another? My understanding is that Love walks with companions who provide a fertile ground for a blossoming and nurturing relationship. Some of its important allies are Trust, Integrity, Truth, Respect, Communication, Honesty, Grace, Gratitude and Acceptance. Somewhere along the line, we decided that we were the gods of change, and that, when in a relationship, we need to change the other person to become who we want them to be… so very, very wrong.

Sex is definitely not Love, and no matter what we say, underlying lust and physical attraction cannot and will not make up for the specific ingredients that make up a solid relationship. Taking time to get to know a person before the humping will give each one the opportunity to have a relationship. Try it!


By Tazim Elkington

Tazim Elkington is The Indian Black Butterfly… Qure your mind


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