The M.R.S candidate

(BY OYUNGA PALA) There are many ways to coexist with men but I suppose marriage is really the only sanctioned way to get men to commit. As we know it, in this millennium where women have choices, marriages mostly serves as a security blanket and there will be women lining up for that posting.

I call them MRS candidates, women whose sole purpose in life is to get to married. They burst on to the scene at puberty and plot eternally for that MRS status. Think Elizabeth Taylor without the finesse.  You will start to recognize MRS candidates around high school. This is the girl who called you her high school sweetheart.

Note; marriage is very important for men. A large fraction of the blokes I know would not have survived 30s on their own. It is at this age when metamorphosis sets in and one’s lifestyle becomes a health hazard. Protrusions surface everywhere, faces fondly chubby, arms oddly feminine. Suddenly the future matters for a change. It is at about this point that a woman who can manage your house and life becomes a major investment.

Let’s face it, most grown men can’t take care of themselves and they certainly wouldn’t know what to do with children. It appears so straightforward so why aren’t men dropping to their knees to propose to women more? Why do some societies invest so much in showcasing their nubiles?

For men, focus kicks in right at the time when women start to wilt. Women believe they have an expiry date and lament the loss of their youth thereafter. Thirty is the much-dreaded deadline. For the averaged switched on male in the 30s, you just want someone to work with you through thick and thin and manage your relatives. Yet all that you get is MRS candidates who are accustomed to make an impression with their baking skills. When times are tight, you want a woman who can make the daily greens and starch fare interesting.

In these days of partnerships, one can find a bachelor with a clean past who can cook and maintains an uncluttered bathroom. That’s what twisted gender politics has produced.

Not many women can survive the trenches for more than five years after university. MRS candidates will only know the comfort of another’s apartment. MRS candidates sometimes forget the importance of differentiating boyfriend from husband material. Sneering at his relatives will only ruin your audition with his family. Essentially, it boils down to the difference between a love affair and a marriage. A lover may offer a comfort blanket during chilly weather but a husband is what you need when the bills start creeping out of the woodwork.

marriage is very important for men. A large fraction of the blokes I know would not have survived 30s on their own. It is at this age when metamorphosis sets in and one’s lifestyle becomes a health hazard.

When you want a man to walk you down the aisle, he has to be coaxed but preferably dragged down it, which is what separates the MRS candidate from the rest.

Have you often wondered why many men have that surprised look on their wedding pictures? It’s a man’s way of saying, “How did this happen?” One night you are dating and the next moment you are starring in your own wedding. That is the speed with which MRS degree aspirants’ work. Losers will transform upon a MRS encounter. You are now a life-time project. Courtship is merely the MRS woman’s way of preparing a man for marriage. The reasoning is if you are going to take on someone’s name, you might as well teach them how to behave around you. Therefore if you are in a relationship and you think it’s moving a little bit too fast or it’s getting too serious chances are you have an MRS candidate in your space.

How do you spot one? What is the difference between sweet girls lost in the fairy tale and an MRS candidate? It is really only a matter of opening your eyes and noting key words and phrases. “Wait! Wait! Not today, I am afraid? Should I stay on the pill? Your mum is really cool”. Meanwhile all mum did was prepare tea. You wonder why these women are never interested in knowing your HIV status!

MRS candidates will pursue one other thing in earnest; themed weddings. The strategy is usually to wear you down. If you can afford it, let her have it because either way you are stuck. If it was a good wedding it serves as a good reminder when the figure starts to fade. If it was a lousy wedding, she will never let you forget. If you skip the ceremony all together you may be given a chance to make amends on your fifth anniversary after the two kids at the same scale.

How do you tell your girl is auditioning for an MRS position? First she always behaves like a wife or how she imagines a wife would behave which can be summarized as needy. She will be very inclined towards cohabitation. Expect her to run the kitchen, change your diet and soon it will be impossible to imagine life without a regular home fried meal. All MRS candidates think frying is cooking. MRS candidates take particular offense following advances by men considered in the low-income bracket?

“Can you imagine the watchman tried to tune me?” The said watchman will talk about being given very confusing vibes.

MRS candidates consider height a major requirement mostly because family pictures look better with a taller husband in them. An MRS candidate will waste no time in changing the way your house looks, whining for expensive clutter. No MRS candidate in her right mind would let go of a man before a return on her investment. You never go back to being single without the house.

Sadly, the future happy wives will be those who step into marriage with a little more deliberation and thought. The smiling wives are usually those who paid a little more attention to the quality of your potatoes when times were down. Only then can you be the pampered wife, sitting serenely besides the successful man. Marriage is a full time management position, with compulsory cloning duty thrown in. The rest is just details.



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