Help! I made my hubby hate sex

I have a very good, loving husband who I have been married to for five long years now. We have had a pretty good seven year relationship so far and together we created the most beautiful daughter who is now four years old.

It sounds like a match made in heaven right? It is anything but! There’s a huge problem in our marriage that I haven’t been able to sort in the last four years despite racking the very interior of my brains and I’ve run out of ideas to try to sort it out hence this letter to Capital Lifestyle. I haven’t had sex with my husband in the last 4 years! Yes… since I gave birth to our daughter.

My husband went off me completely and he won’t even touch me in that way. As much as I try to make moves on him to get him to make love to me… he will just not go there.

The worst part is that he has refused to offer any explanations as to why he went off me. But sure as hell I know he doesn’t sleep around and he is not involved with anyone else.

For the longest time I was sure he was gay and was just using our marriage to remain in the closet until it was safe to come out but it turns out he is not.

See, I am now 27  years old and my plan was to have three children before I turned 30 but that seems like a dream that will never happen…unless I think of other alternatives.

I tried to seek help from everyone I could trust with my problem and also tried to find out what was happening and if I was indeed the problem. I even went to his family and talked to his mother and sister for a possible divine intervention but no one could help me until recently when my hubby’s best friend returned to the country. When I shared my worries with him or is it problems…? He was very supportive and promised to help me find out what’s up.

The finding was horrific! Apparently, it had something to do with the birth of our daughter!!

See, my daughter’s delivery was very difficult. I was in labor for the longest time and she had refused to come out. I had to push, huff and puff for what seemed like forever (TMI I know) and she would still not come out until it became dangerous…a do or die kind of situation as lots of blood was lost .

It reached a point where it was either we lose me, or our daughter, or both of us. It was all up to the doctors or my daughter (she is a fighter that one) and I to put up a fight for our dear lives and the doctors tried very hard to at least keep one of us in this world. I’m glad to report that we are both alive and kicking (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this 🙂 ).

My husband was traumatized during that whole birth experience and the thought of losing me or the baby just didn’t go very well with him and up to date, the images he saw, the doctor announcing the terrible news about saving one of us… just haunts him to date.

The no sex came as a result of that difficult birth because in his head the thought of me getting preggers again and having to go through that dreadful experience and maybe not getting lucky the next time around tears him into pieces. He vowed never to get anyone pregnant…ever! but he just won’t share that info with me.

I have since rested easy since the findings but at the same time I still have a right to conjugal rights with my husband right? I have tried to convince him to talk to someone if not me about what could be bugging him…a psychologist or someone but he keeps telling me he’s just not ready yet and whenever he will be ready  I will be the first to know.

There’s something called patience which I am very fast  running out of! I’m thinking I want another baby soon and I have only three options.

#To adopt

#To walk out on my marriage and find someone else before it’s too late

#To bear with the current sexless marriage situation for the rest of my life!


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  1. Avatar George April 12th, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    thank God now u know the reason wat he saw ws devasitating to him and again u trust him.wat wud happen if he was diogonised wit a disease which wud render his manhood unfunctionable wud u get out of your matrimony to search for sex.Pray for God to intervene.

  2. Avatar Jennifer April 12th, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    First of all let me say that you are a lucky woman seeing as he has not cheated for all this long considering the circumstances. Walking out of the marriage does not seem to me like a wise decision because he does seem to love you a lot and thats why he does not want to do anything that would lead to losing you. However in my opinion speaking to a professional that would make him understand that there are proven birth control methods that are almost 99% effective would be a first step in persuading him to some intimacy.This professional would maybe also discuss other birthing methods such as cs that do  not hold as much anxiety and uncertainity as normal delivery.At 27 we can still say you have room to give him some more time before he recovers from the trauma seeing as you yourself have already recovered from that experience. 

  3. Avatar Sara April 12th, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    The truth is  that you have another option. It’s called forcing the issue. It’s not a marriage if you are not having sex. In reality, he is being unfaithful to you by refusing to have sex with you. Faithfulness is basically being there for you in his capacity as your husband and that includes being there for you sexually. 

    How could you go 4 years??? How could you go 4 months without sex with your husband without any good reason??? You are asking for advice now???? You should have looked for advice when a month went by… Catch the cancer early, not going to the doctor when you have grown a head-size tumor…
    Address the issue. Raise hell until you get to the bottom of it. If it’s medical, see a doctor!!!  Just do not allow him to neglect you in this way. Address this issue strongly and don’t let it go until you come to an understanding. I’m saying, move out of the house, tell his parents… bring in the big guns… There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. 

    Anyway, I doubt that is the only problem in your marriage. The options you have are suffer or save your marriage. 

    1. Avatar Mazzdark April 27th, 2012 at 10:15 am

      You are not helping! Those ‘force the issue’ strategies NEVER WORK! She needs to reload her ‘Sexy App’, work out kidogo, get a tight body short sexy skirts and lingerie, some leg etc and work the man, we are visual creatures – it is images that switched him off, use a new image to switch him on…..

      1. Avatar October May 10th, 2012 at 1:46 pm

        Don’t be too quick to type nonsense Mazzdark. Has she mentioned anything about gaining weight or losing her sex appeal after child birth? She didn’t say her hubby has a problem with her weight. It has got nothing to do with her image. She clearly found out that it’s the trauma of reliving another complicated delivery that the husband just can’t face. It has got nothing to do with whether or not he’s visual. He can be visual, physical, spiritual…… doesn’t matter. Point is they both need serious counselling. He holds himself responsible for her near-death experience and doesn’t want another such chance. That man is being controlled by FEAR.

        Having said that however, I do get this wee bit feeling that the woman in agony has not spilled the whole truth about her marriage.

        1. Avatar structurep August 6th, 2012 at 6:56 pm

          love is too big to a word for men, i believe this hubby is a liar. It is very rare for a man to give up sex because of trauma. I saw my wife deliver and i always love her love making. It makes us complete and can’t imagine missing it for a month with good reason like medical leave. This man is getting it from elsewhere and as mazzdark put it, you need to up your game else break it off and stop suffering alone. Sex will never come coz you forced it, women should know it better try forcing a lady it will be rape no matter the case. So jus engage a mental war and caress him out of his cacoons.

      2. Avatar Joyce Shiku May 10th, 2012 at 4:29 pm

        Really, love is beyond Lingerie and short sexy legs, companionship and frienship sees beyonds small maters like those. Royco and Pilau Masala is only meant to spice up food

  4. Avatar Dawna April 12th, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Unfortunately the longer one stays with a problem without resolving it, the more it sinks in and becomes part of you. This is an issue that should have been dealt with immediately. It’s sad that you didn’t get to know the reason and that shows that there is a communication breakdown in your marriage. He should have been able to trust you enough to tell you the real reason he is not in the mood for sex.

    Alternatively, there may be another issue and he is using this story as a cover-up. After 4 years, you both need to be straight with each other. Be frank and tell him to see a counselor and both of you need to seek professional help from a CERTIFIED  marriage therapist.

    You need to move past the traumatic experience your husband went through, lack of communication and the last 4 years before you can move and continue with a healthy marriage or part ways. This can only be decided once you confront the various.

    Otherwise, 4 years is a long time for no sex in a marriage.

  5. Avatar Kairetu69 April 12th, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    4 years without sex and you are married?? What!!! I’d be suspicious after the 6 weeks after birth and my hubby doesn’t want sex. I think he’s getting it elsewhere….which dude will last that long? It’s like being a virgin all over again!! 

  6. Avatar Elijah Kevin Jumbo April 12th, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    If someone loves you there’re ways to demonstrate and show they do. There’re a lot of relationships, not necessarily sexual, where parties claim they ‘love’ or care about one another, while the truth is very different and painful. If your man claims to care about you so much then he would be the first to hug you, kiss you and hold you tight thanking God you came through the life threatening ordeal. His prayer would be, “God, I’ll do anything for her and my baby and we’ll live happily praising your Name if you let them come through this!” NOT ‘I’ll never touch her again!”

    What your husband has continued to do is feed his own self-righteousness and selfishness. If a partner in a LOVING relationship had a physical or mental problem and they knew it, they would do anything to address the problem, not only for their own well being, but for the spouse they so much care about. He is the only man you should rightfully get sexual satisfaction from and if he knows that and he denies you your right for more than a month without explanation, he can not claim he loves you. By saying he’s not ready yet, is further prove that he’s only serving his personal selfish interest and what you feel or need is not part of his priorities.

    I think you should consider what @e1ee1df38e7a8f1dd16ec80dddb2235d:disqus  has posted below wisely and seriously with the aim of arousing his mind from slumber in the hope to save (not wreck) your marriage. Let him feel your frustrations and disappointments, let his see how his “loving you” is meaningless if he can not help, defend and satisfy you like a man. Let him realize what a coward he has been by failing to recognize your love and effort to make him a proud father, which is the fruit of your labour in the ward, and how happy and ready you are to make him even more proud with more children.

    I think there’s no more waiting, you’ve got to act now. Take the lead, do more than you have already done. If he so cares, he wont let you go or lose your mind, but if he doesn’t then you’ll know for sure. You’ll then seek wise counsel to guide you in the best way forward.

    Love is not just being with somebody and leaving the rest, it’s more about a commitment that makes you do much more for the one you love.

  7. Avatar Peterkings2012 April 12th, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    What is clear: You did marry a man who
    had waited until marrying you to involve in sex. This has been
    manifested in his ability to practice celibacy for all those years
    you did mention: thats one of the benefits of the principal. Your
    husband has no problem whatsoever: He loves you and your daughter
    enough to deny himself pleasures of love making. As the common unwise
    lines goes goes “what dude could do that?”, he must be getting it
    elsewhere? My wise did undergo similar labor difficulties and vowed
    to me she will never want another child and she developed phobia for
    sex; we had to resort to use of protection. I am just wondering:
    what is the biggest issue for you: Wanting another child or having
    intimacy with your husband? You don’t have to go outside to get a
    baby: Your husband could donate the seeds. If it is the latter, you
    will have to work together to relearn your passions for each other,
    not in a confronting way, but in a loving manner that each
    participant works for the other and fully understands what is a
    stake: each others wellness and assurance. Please assure your husband
    there are no babes for now, just the pleasure of intimacy (which I am
    certain he misses more than you could imagine). And when both of you
    will be ready for more children: Tell him, Why not try delivery
    through Cesarian section. Importantly, all will be well: God will see
    you through as He did before.

  8. Avatar Mmahavest April 23rd, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Hey what the hell

  9. Avatar Psychologie April 23rd, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    From your post, I am assuming that your husband was in the delivery room during this traumatic experience.  Although modern women want their men by their side during delivery, not all men are built for this – most especially African men!

    From a Psychologist’s perspective, your husband probably suffers  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and needs to see a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment.  Should you decide to leave him and be with someone else, this will only traumatize him further, leading to a break-up.  That would likely be the easy way out for him; but what about you and your lovely daughter.  Encourage him to have therapy and sort out the emotional and psychological impact the birth experience created.

  10. Avatar DanielKanyata April 23rd, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    He has post traumatic stress disorder and needs disensitisation. Talk to a psychiatrist

  11. Avatar be April 24th, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    my understanding is that he promised himself or even committed himself in front of God not to ever have sex if you and your baby come out safe and kicking(which I totally understand) but that doesn’t mean he stopes loving, caring and stay committed to his family. i understand it is hard and not optional not to have sex in a marriage for this long at this age, in a normal situation.
    i believe what could be the possible solution for this, in my opinion, is either to convince him to get help from phsychatristes and/or have a serious talk with his spiritual leaders that (this actually should be the 1st thing you should try).

  12. Avatar Jona Than April 26th, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Lady u are very special personally i’m not sure i can exceed 30days with her in the same bed as i and not have some fast action. on the other hand he has valid concerns, it may be a death of an aunt or something happened when he was young and it still gets to him, since you talked to his BFF maybe try the same and the BFF may hint tht u growing cobwebs in the hanky panky department, (We sometimes listen to our BFF’s thn our own mothers n wives). then he also says he is not ready, well people have different healing rates yours may be faster than his, so jus take him slow, jus be the chick he married, kiss him daily, should spark something, help him as best as you can, also explain your fears in black and white to him. but i must say you not just any chick, most would have left, you do take your vows seriously biggup

  13. Avatar richard April 26th, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    despite the challenges never me you traumatise the guy more when you were giving birth,so don’t give up

  14. Avatar Jon May 3rd, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    oops lets exchange spouses

  15. Avatar Kenn May 11th, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    if he does;nt want to make a woman pregnant let him do vasectomy. Sex in marriage is not just for procreation.

  16. Avatar demarq May 13th, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    One thing stands out here, something that reaches deep in my inner being. This is something that makes every part of me want to curl up in anguish, it torments me like nothing else ever has…

    “preggers “

  17. Avatar Fkathambana May 15th, 2012 at 11:13 am

     The word to underline here is “traumatized”. Trauma for men is especially difficult since most of us lack the ability that ladies take for granted, introspection. Men are traumatized and then stressed even more because they dont understand what is happening to them. Happily thre are specialists to deal with these kinds of traumas and I can garantee that within three session or less of therapy, he will be back and hopefully rearing to catch up on the last four years. If the problem is still persesisitng, email me for refferals,

  18. Avatar Paulin May 16th, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    thank god you have a good marriage ,with no side shows 

  19. Avatar Elijahnyangwara May 16th, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Get some family planning…convince that there is safe sex!

  20. Avatar Marie June 18th, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    This story must be fake. However, if true, then you have been lied to by your husband and his friend (birds of same feathers…). Just get some of those drugs that increase man’s libido, add in his drink, wear provocatively, put on a pornographic movie, suck him dry or raise hell if he still refuses. Threats of putting issues in open may help as men guard their egos passionately.

  21. Avatar Little Hiti June 20th, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    4 years without sex is good grounds for divorce, including in most churches. That must one strange man, most men I know will be asking for ‘it’ almost immediately the wifey is out the hospital ….childbirth not withstanding. Guy is creepy. Did he even like sex in the first place are is he using it an an excuse ???


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