Confessions of a first time pregnant lady

(BY WAMBUI NDONGA) So I’ve been wondering how to write this article and I’ve been sitting on it for a while- you know since I was asked to write it.

I wasn’t sure whether I’d have to introduce myself like they do in the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) classes or whether I should just get down to the point and let ya’ll know what I was thinking.

But one thing I was sure of is that I wanted to write an article about some of the things that make pregnant women uncomfortable.

See, I’m seven months preggers so I’m quite the expert.

Here goes…

1. Whatever you do, don’t stare at my bump. It’s rude and creepy. And I understand you’re curious and have all these questions but if you want to find out how to get a baby bump, please google. Google is your friend.

2. Do not stretch out your hand to rub my belly. Quite frankly that creeps my baby out- he goes like ‘Bleeeergh’. Baby-bump rubbing is reserved for close friends and family. And no we are not close friends if we suffer awkward silence after two minutes of conversation.

3. Do not remind me how big I’ve become. I am not big; elephants are big! I just have this three kilo baby growing in my womb. Besides weight is a sensitive topic and I’m still every bit the self conscious woman. And it makes my baby go like “…mommy did she just call us fat? Somebody hold my placenta!!!”

4. Do not point out the zits on my face. Just so you know I own a mirror so I noticed them way before I bumped into you. In fact I wish they consulted me before positioning themselves on my forehead to save me from the morning scare.

5. Do not ask me how far along I am in my pregnancy. I know I look like I’m about to pop 11 little babies any time now but I’m only two months pregnant and it sucks to be reminded of how heavy I look despite having seven more months to go.

6. Do not tell me that I eat too much. The Doctor says I have to gain about 12 kilos (or thereabout) to have a healthy baby plus I like indulging in food 🙂 *…aaahhh happy place*. Life’s little pleasures.

7. If you got to learn about my pregnancy through the photos I posted on Facebook, do not confront me about it. Those who deserve to know already know. Trust me it’s nothing personal really; don’t take offense. We are just not that close.

8. If you’re going to speculate about my baby daddy because I’m not married yet, at least have some class. Engage me in some pointless banter and I just might tell you. At least we know a man was involved.

9. Sometimes the last thing I want to do is talk about my pregnancy. I’ve told that story so many times, I think it’s time I reserved the questions for my little one. I am not a pregnancy ninja. Again don’t take offense if I ignore you. Just smile and wave (got that line from the penguins in Madagascar. And no not Madagascar the place. The cartoon).

10. So you’ve noticed that I walk like someone with crabs. I’ve become quite heavy as you have most definitely noticed so walking like I’m on the runway has become an impossible task. So many forces including gravity are working against me right now. Be so kind as to understand.

11. Do not hate on me if I wear high heels despite looking like a python that swallowed a football. It’s really none of your business. I wasn’t planning on having a natural delivery anyway and if you’re so concerned about me breaking my back, just tell me. Your sneers won’t do the trick.

But by all means go ahead and open that door for me, pull out a seat for me or give me way. Such little mercies go a long way in making my journey and that of my little one quite enjoyable :-).

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