King of Tot

Today’s Relationship & Sex article features a guest post by Michael Ngigi, a prolific Kenyan writer about free human expression, relationships, politics and personal development with a particular focus on Africa. He is also a designer and entrepreneur. You can read more of the author’s work here.

I haven’t been blogging for a while now and it’s because I’ve been trying to figure out a way of changing my writing style. I have reached that stage in writing where I have to be careful with every word I say. I have to consider who is going to read my stuff and what opinion they’ll have of me after getting my message. My back’s against the wall and I hate it. I have become to conscious and always under threat. I long for the the days I was just new to blogging and I could be honest about my life and my opinions. I feel strangled and my inner self is dying to breathe. I am a free man and I want to feel that freedom burning in my veins. I want to go back to the first place I started from. I want my readers to talk to me openly like before. I want a reaction. I want the anger to rain on me from my readers who hated my opinion. I need some action. Let me attempt to make you feel something again. To hate me or love me is what I want you to do. I need to know what you think and I need you to express it and not hate yourself for it.

Today I want to talk to you about the boy child who after years of neglect is now almost fading into extinction. We paid to much attention to the girl child that we forgot the other child. The boy child has become the black sheep and his chances in life have dwindled to crumbs. The boy child has no home to go back to nor does he even get a chance to enjoy a home cooked meal let alone a warm bath.
You will often find him on the street just walking. If not there, you will find him in the bar drinking himself wet. He is afraid to go out and become a man. He longs for the days when he was the leader of the pride. When a man was supposed to be the protector and provider. When he would wake up early to fend and always came through for his family and friends. When the world loved him for who he is, not his material wealth and certainly not for who his friends are. This boy child is your father. He is your brother. Your friend. Your man.

This post is dedicated to the men and women who have stifled the boy child’s chances of finding his destiny. Most importantly, this post is dedicated to the boy who endures suffering for love. The man that is trampled on but still hangs on to the people he loves no matter how small the chances of reciprocation are. This man needs to be free. He needs to know there is a way out. It’s part of manhood. the faster you opt out, the faster you heal an move on. Meanwhile, we continue to suffer. The strong ones break free. The weak ones suffer in silence and make alcohol their friend.

There is a man who has been sitting alone in the dark for the past six months as he waits for his woman to come home from hanging out with ‘her girls’. His days are gloomy and uneventful and his stub shows that he has seen better days. Tot after tot of rum, he wonders why he still hangs on. He has never been happy since she came home a ‘different’ person. He hates being the one who’s always the complainant. He hates being told that he makes too big a deal of the fact that she’s never there. He has seen her being dropped off by these ‘girlfriends’ too many a time. From the moment she walks in the door past midnight to the time they both leave for work early in the morning, this man knows he is sailing on a sinking ship. He still can’t figure out why she stays or why he stays. He wonders why this situation stays and looks like it’s here to stay for eternity. Does she get gratification from making him suffer? He hates it when she threatens to break off every time he brings up a concern with the aim of working things out. He just wants a normal life. Must relationships be this hurting? Must he always be dealing with drama? Does he really need all this tension? Another tot.

You my friend, are that man. You probably don’t sit in the dark waiting for your woman to come home, but maybe deep in your heart you can feel that your relationship is draining you. You love her but it feels more like you’re loving a ‘thing’ like a car that can’t love you back. She has become a stranger to you and doesn’t seem to notice your presence. How did it get to that point? Let me remind you. Remember the first time you saw her? She was everything you ever wanted. She knew your mind and knew you by heart. You felt connected even when you stayed apart and had busy schedules. The love was real and innocent. You gave up all your prospects to be with her. Could this be the mistake you did? I could argue that you started looking less attractive because your heart settled. Theory? Truth? Remember how you boldly told off your women chasers because you’d finally found the woman that you were ‘meant to be with’? Remember the fast life and unpredictable fridays? What happened to the man who was helpless flirt and a success magnet? When did you become a wuss? You dress like an old man now. You ditched cologne because you don’t need to impress anymore. You get home super early because you abandoned your friends to be ‘serious’ with life. It worked well at first because she praised you for being the best man in her life. She reciprocated your love and for a moment it seemed like a fairy tale.

Then out of nowhere she’s suddenly ‘busy’ and always ‘tired’ to do something different. A man will rarely scroll through his woman’s phone but suddenly she has these strange phone conversations to which she answers in mono syllables. Too many texts pounding her phone to which she laughs or smiles as if you’re the one flirting with her. Suddenly she’s sixteen. She wants to get noticed even though you’ve always sang her praises in all honesty and consistency. Whenever you’re out with her, you can’t help noticing her eyes wandering off every now and then because she’s constantly distracted. To her, you’re not funny anymore because you can feel in in the way she laughs sarcastically at your jokes. She also has new friends that for one reason or the other, you haven’t met even after a year of hearing about them. You blame yourself. You fear that maybe you got boring and started pushing her away. You want the truth? You didn’t. You just happened to fall in love with the wrong woman and you need to mitigate misery. You need to run. Dear mouse please down another tot and allow me to turn you into a lion.

Here’s the deal. It takes two hands to clap not one. It is logical to say that if your loves you, she will tell you when she feels something is going wrong. You know how you do every night she comes home late? How about that guy you keep telling her to stay away from? the reason why you raise these issues is because you love her and you feel something when she doesn’t care about you the same way. Look at yourself brother! You fear calling it quits because you worry it could jolt her into depression. Or is it that you fear you won’t survive yet another break up in life? Really? Think again. Would you rather THIS for the rest of your miserable life? People die of a broken heart but worry not. YOU can’t die because yours has been broken for a painfuly long time. She doesn’t care how you feel anymore. She doesn’t show any signs of working through love’s challenges. It almost feels like you are not her first choice anymore. Like someone else is having the best of her. Maybe you’ve been praying about it. Have you considered opting out as an answer to your prayers? The thing about love is that it never shows in grey. Only in black or white, never in between. You’re either in love or you’re not. Take another tot but this time, let it be your last. Alcohol will never teach you how to tie your shoe laces. It numbs and gives solace to the man who wants a temporary lie. A man who know he will succumb to the wounds of misery.

It is foolish and ignorant that one would sit on the couch in a burning house, screaming and yelling for help while the door remains widely ajar. You can run….no….you can walk out. Let the house burn but save your life. You can always build another house. It’s easier than reconstructing scalded skin. Walk out and start again. Go buy new clothes and a good shave. Call up your best buddies and open up to them fearlessly (it could happen to anyone). Open your eyes and see the beauty that you left behind. The thrill of a date is what you will need to jumpstart your ailing heart. Don’t get into something serious any time soon. At least try your best to fight it off unless it is outrageously convincing. Work harder and make more. A huge chunk of breakups are directly related to the lack of money. Work on yourself. Your heart needs a make over. Pray harder and connect with God again. It is said that a man needs to know where he came from if at all he wants to know where he should go.

Lastly, if you are that person that is wasting time for this unfortunate boy child, it’s time to quit. You also need a new beginning. Maybe go back to the basics and just re-evaluate your expectations. You are human too and that means you deserve true love too. Only that true love is a two way thing. If you can’t handle the chili in the food, just don’t risk a bite. Don’t be the one that only takes and never gives. The more you mistreat this boy child, the more he becomes less of a man and more of an animal. Save your self and save the the King of Tot.

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