Should independent women soften up?

People always tell me that I’m a strong independent woman. Since I was in kindergarten, I remember forging ahead into the big world with hardly any sheltering from my parents. Well little did I know that when I fell on the pavement and bloodied by knee, or the time when I fell off of my cousin’s motocross bike and broke by leg, or the time when I survived my first major car accident unscaved, and who can forget the time I cried for three days straight after having my heart broken for the first time – my parents were always in the background cheering me on but always ensured that it was I who stood back on my feet alone.

I grew up being a popular girl in school, and as result, was always full of confidence. I genuinely just loved talking to people. Nerds, jocks or gang members – they were all my friends.

I did well in school – easily. I was an athlete and won many accolades in my heyday. I grew up not only believing, but knowing that whatever I wanted to achieve in life, I could and would.

I’m confident, independent and ambitious; but deep down I struggle with what every single women struggles with – underlying insecurities that may hinder our mission to find a life partner.

Why is it that all of my “alright” girlfriends, older and younger, have settled down for the white-picket fence life and even popped out a few babies; and I’m still struggling to find someone whom I’m compatible with?

I’m not trying to say I’m better than my girlfriends, but by popular opinion, I’m apparently more worldy and desirable, which is suppose to translate to “why are you even worrying?!”

I wasn’t really worrying until my family and friends have been suggesting that I need to “soften” up…

Mom: “Why are you so career minded? You know a woman your age should start thinking about finding a nice boy & get settled down. Why you want to work so hard?”

Me: “Because I want to be independent! And don’t expect me to get married in the next 5 years because I’m still young, I want to see where I can go in my life.”

Mom: “What are you trying to prove? Why do you need to prove yourself? You’re a female and you don’t always need to be made out of steel. You need a man in your life!”

Me: “WHAT? Why do I want guys that can’t take me as I am? Why do I need to change my personality just to get the guys?

Mom: “You cannot be so strong you know? Guys like soft, gentle women that will listen to them, cook for them at home, support them at all times… You’re so strong, you will scare away all the guys”

Me: “But Mom, you raised me TO BE INDEPENDENT…and to be someone that never settles…why are you asking me to settle and SOFTEN up now?”

Have you ever been asked to “soften” up? Do you feel like there’s a need for you to “soften” up? Do you think if you did “soften” up, would that make finding your life partner easier?

Tell us what you think below and we’ll continue this discussion next time!

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  1. Avatar Sowairina November 4th, 2011 at 11:31 am

    A man is attracted to warmth and gentleness, not characteristics that he already has. Like it or not, God created Woman to be the helper and Man head of  the home. He asks women to submit to their husbands, but not forgetting that He also asks for men to love their wives, coz trust me if he loves you, then it’ll come naturally to let him be the head, for he will love, support and lift you up.

    1. Avatar Njeri November 4th, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      get out!

  2. Avatar Njeri November 4th, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    am sorry why should i lower them for someone i am yet to have in my life. makes no darn sense. and yes i am in a relationship. with a dude man enough to handle me as i am. i am not meeting Jesus at the end of this life for him to be pissed i did not use all my talents. there is a difference between ‘compromise’ and ‘soften up’. Life is too short to not do it all the way and do it big.

    1. Avatar Chiefblu November 6th, 2011 at 3:18 pm

      That dude is probably pretending to handle you so that he could ‘hit that’ but trust me, he won’t be hitting it for a long time. It’s a man’s world and not even your independence can change that. Furthermore, there are far too many soft women than hard so the odds are against you, so called independent women, my 2 cents.

      1. Avatar magerer tuiot November 7th, 2011 at 8:51 am

        Njeri cheer up! iam sure you can smell a confident and composed man from a mile.Carry on with your guy and you will succeed.But i would ask Njeri to exercise caution ,coz, most men are ‘traditional’-do not prepare a duty roster of  who cooks on which day,who changes the nappies when-Afford him respect and he will love you to bits.One more thing Njeri,do not turn him down in the evening even when u r tired.You can negotiate,but dont withhold the goods and you have a rosy encounter with him. 

      2. Avatar Njeri November 7th, 2011 at 11:41 am

        oh god-you are the men i do not like. you think everyone is a thief because you are a thief. meaning you think we all think as you think. there is someone for everyone. thank God the someone for me does not think in 2 cents

        1. Avatar Anonymous November 16th, 2011 at 12:20 pm

          you really sound quite immature,sorry to say

  3. Avatar Sowairina November 5th, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Don’t be mistaken. We are all made to be the greatest that we can be! even the Proverbs 31 woman was a wife, mother and career woman! so don’t get me wrong; please do it all! just do it all with a quiet and gentle spirit. We don’t have to do it like a man to get the ideal life, know your place in the home and in society. There is so much power in being a woman, it can be overwhelming, but today’s woman seems to have forgotten that, and the consequences are; the rise in lonely singles, unfaithful partners and the sky rocketing divorce rate. However yes men have played a big role in this deteriorating society, because they also have failed to love and support their women as the bible teaches us, not the world, hence why women have abdicated submission and are instead trying to be like them, forgetting that we were not made like them, so in the long run we really are just kidding ourselves, but for how long.
    For me this lesson came after having my children, because I was the ‘Independent’ Woman, but in 1Timothy 2:15 it says’ we are saved through childbearing’ and indeed my children have. Yet today’s woman puts off starting a family till late or never, probably because through experience you saw ur parents fail or you’ve witnessed to many unhappy couples where men take advantage and leave you empty, so our defence mechanism is to be selfish and afraid and put off any companionship until we attain ‘the perfect partner. Truth is no one is, but God is, so seek Him, abide in Him and your season will come, for their is a season for everything; to work, to reap, to be alone and to share a life. For when He is your guide all things and I repeat ALL! things shall be added unto you! 

  4. Avatar Fellationelation November 11th, 2011 at 8:29 am

    hahaha,,,,INDEPENDENT women are just sad & fooling themselves; that’s the fact. Beauty of it is that men will never run out of women to marry. I dont see why you have to keep affirming that you are independent. I just think that is insecure

  5. Avatar Rholi November 18th, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Reading this article, i cant help but notice the resonance with exactly what i have been feeling lately: at 30, i have always been independent, have a good education and work with a regional organization in Uganda. Problem is, am told am too ‘strong’ for a man!! This is true if the trend of my relationships is anything to go by: All the nice men would want to date me but after a short while, they realize am too independent for them and scatter…i wish i could soften up but how??


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