(PASTOR WA) The big debate that has raged on over time has always been, what point does the woman in a mans life hold. Is she first? and if she is, are there relationships that the guy has that she cannot meddle in? and if she can’t meddle, why? His job, his friends, his relaz, the kids…. bla bla bla. But the most emotive one, I’ve come across is the question of his mother. The mans mother.
Some of the biggest challenges in marriage and relationships between two people will be around in laws and especially the mother-in-law. In the African context, the mother is superior, the wife comes into the family and joins herself to them. She is not a priority nor is she as important as the mother. But really, how true to the laws of relationship and a healthy union is that principle?
Every woman wants to be number 1 in her relationship with the man in her life. That rule, ladies and gentlemen, will NOT change.
So when a man begins to court a woman and enter into a relationship with her, she is not looking to be number something.She is looking to be number one.Fully, totally.
Why would I as a woman want to be given second place while in actual fact I belong in the first position?
Many men give their mothers the first slot and their wives the second because they feel that since their mothers gave birth to them, then they wouldn’t be here without them.
So when mama calls,
When mama suggests,
it becomes a bylaw
When mama doesn’t like her
She’s gone in a flash
When mama demands it, He will move heaven and earth to keep her happy.
If the woman in his life dares challenge this relationship, then the guns come out blazing.
One woman told me, ‘Hata mama yake akiitana saa tisa ya usiku ati kuku haikutaga, anaamka kuenda kuangalia nini mbaya’.Yet he will never do that sort of thing for his own woman!
Now, as kindly as I can say it, this is a mindset and tradition that should be banished far from the realms of any man that intends to build any serious and lasting relationship with a woman of worth.
My reasons are very simple.
Any man that puts his mother above his woman doesn’t deserve that woman, he deserves his mom.
Because it’s impossible to build a home until this relationship is adjusted.
Scripture teaches that a man shall LEAVE his father and mother, and CLEAVE (which means to be joined to his wife), then the Two become one.
Before a man cleaves to his woman, he must LEAVE his folks behind.
Leave physically, leave emotionally, leave economically, leave authoritatively. Yes, Most certainly leave.
The reason he has to leave is because its impossible to begin a new family identity, while still attached to the old!
That means that when you enter into a relationship;
First, you must be financially free from dependence on your parents.
Secondly, you must be grown and mature enough to make your own decisions,
Third, you must be stable enough to sustain yourself and your new bride,
Fourth, you must also be man enough to establish your authority and fight off anything that would threaten the health of that relationship.
It means you understand it’s impossible to establish yourselves in a new home with your mothers or fathers shadow lurking in the background.
Until you understand and implement this principle, your relationship is doomed to fail. Because you can never build your home on top of your parents home. It must be a different unique entity with the man as the head, and his wife as his able helper by his side. Not his or her mama, papa, in laws or even friends. Nothing! Just two individuals, starting something from scratch.
That means, that if your parents need you, they need BOTH of you. Their requests are subject to agreement from your wife first before you jump up.
As a grown man, you are no longer under obligation to OBEY, you are under obligation to HONOR. Obedience and honor are very different. So every man must come to grips with this reality.
1. He is to live with his woman
2. Establish authority in the relationship that’s distinct from his parents authority
3. Understand that his allegiance is first to his wife and children before his parents.
Now, before you lynch me. Does that mean that we cast away our parents? Does it mean that we cut them off and have nothing to do with them?
By no means NO. Absolutely not.
We are to honor them. Bless them, listen to their counsel and wisdom, give them value and take care of them. That’s something we are to do as their children. It’s proper and right to do that. But we are to never build our homes on top of their roofs (So to speak). We are to never put our mothers on top of our wives and women, why? because we do not marry our mothers. They have their own husbands to obey and live with.
You see, when a man is submitted to his parents authority in his home, he has simply taken his wife and given her to another.
Whereas My wife must be covered by me, not by my mom or my dad.
That means that I give her, her rightful place. A place of love and security, where she understands that she’s under no threat from anyone. Family, friend or foe. No one.
It demeans a woman’s self esteem deeply when she is put second to a guy’s mom. It simply tells her she is less of a woman. It robs her of the first place that is rightfully hers and gives it to another woman. That is plain wrong.
That’s why I say, every man must come to terms with this fact.
If your mama suggests something, it MUST be approved by both the man and his woman. If the woman isn’t game with that particular idea, even if you and mama think its best thing you could ever do. Let mama know, that you and your lady are thinking about it, and will make a decision together and let her know.
Will the sparks fly? Yes
Might she threaten you? Maybe
Will your guts be torn out? Probably
But it will be the best thing you will ever do to your mom. It will be the best thing you will ever do to that woman you are laying a claim on. She will be in her rightful place. Number 1 in the relationship.
You can never say she really is your woman until you give her that place.
She must come first before your momma.
Then will you be man enough to build a home with her.
Until you can hack that, you are just blowing hot air.
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