(PASTOR WA) In the funny dramatic/romantic comedy The Best man, the themes of fidelity, relational jelousy and believing in the good over the bad in a relationship are exposed painfully.
Harper (the Best man) is helping Lance his buddy get married to Mia. They have been buddies for years. Lance is a player (Both in the field and women) and feels he’s entitled to it. Unfortunately or otherwise, it comes up that his fiance Mia and Harper had a fling a while ago.
Lance is convinced he’s the first until the weekend of the wedding when the revelations come tumbling out and things head south. Whoa!
Which brings up issues of jealousy in relationships. Especially when it comes to finding out about the past of the person you are with. This is a big deal especially for some people. VERY BIG DEAL! And mostly so for men.
The truth of the matter is, with todays highly sexualized culture, it’s likely that the person you end up with will have a sexual history they are not proud of. They may want to hide it and not share the details of what was their ‘Bad’ moments. The key questions will arise when for some reasons revelations of the past start tumbling out.
Be prepared to handle this carefully. It may make or break the relationship. If you are still courting, it may halt wedding plans. Everybody expects the person they end up with to be perfect. They rarely are, and so when reality kinda shows up, it can become hurtful, confusing and sometimes even devastating. So you need to read this carefully.
Please understand.
1. He/She may have been with someone else before, but now they are with you: Thats the truth. they have made the choice to spend their life with you. Don’t question their commitment to you now based on their choices in the past. No matter how far they had gone with ‘another’ person. You are the one in the picture now.
2. DO NOT dig for details: Finding out who it was, what they did, how it was and all that will only hurt you and hurt you more. Finding the details will fuel your anger and hunger for more details until it drives you insane. Especially where a sexual relationship was involved. This is very critical for men. Don’t do it. The male mind is an unforgiving master to imagination on sexual detail. If it comes up, just be satisfied to know there was someone and something happened.
3. Get information that Relates to now Only: There are some details of the past that may need to be talked about as their consequences may still come up later in life. If you killed someone, had a baby, sexual abuse, abortion, went out with someone high profile, incest… Things that you may have to deal with later. This info is so you can help each other heal and walk away from painful circumstances, not beat them down.
4. Do not judge them from their past: One of the most devastating things to a relationship is pegging and living the present from the past. Does not and will not work. They may have slept with the ‘housy’ or a relative or something like that. They may have been an escort even. It does not mean they are like that. And by all means, don’t hold it over their head. It’s shameful enough to just think about it. If you really feel this is a deal bigger than you can handle. Take sometime off to process what you have found out without judging them.
5. You Also have a history: While you may not consider your past to be as bad as your partners, it still is a history. So don’t start casting stones while you live in a glass house. Remember to extend mercy if you want to receive mercy. Its a future you are building now. Don’t get stuck on their past escapades without thinking about what you did as well. Most men assume its OK if they had dozens of partners while they expect her not to have been with even one and vice versa. If you have this mindset, It may set you up for some rough days ahead relationally.
6.What you have now is worth fighting for: Don’t throw away something special that you have right now just because you found out about some things that happened in the past. Remember, they are out of your power to change. You will never delete history. What’s happened happened. It’s over. Get over it. Use those things you learn to build a better relationship, forgive each other, help each other, understand each other and build something that goes beyond any other relationship in this life.
7. Don’t Bring it up during fights: When she annoys you, NEVER call her a slut. Do Not Call him a Dog. Oh please don’t! I don’t care how strong you want to do it. DONT! Don’t speak in your moments of insanity. You may say and do things you will regret and take many many years to undo. Learn to rule your spirit. It will bring you both incredible results in the future.
8. Get your mind off the images: If there are revelations of a sexual relationship, and things that happened that you can’t seem to shed off, Get yourself busy, keep your mind on the present. If he or she happens to hurt or annoy you, talk things out sensibly and without past references. If your emotions trouble you too much, then get help. Talk to a close trusted friend, pastor, counselor or confidant. If you need to, you can talk to me at (pastorwa@hotmail.com)
9. Forgive the Past: Do just that. Forgive. It’s sad, regrettable, shouldn’t have happened, but hey! It did, there is grace for today and strength for the future. Never for the past. Forgive the past. It’s the best you can do for your partner and yourself. Just let it go. It will make you a better man/woman.
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