Do not become a "self-cheat"!

April 26, 2011 – A ‘pro-lover’ is someone who thinks they know how relationships work or have their own mixed-up ideas about love. Are you the kind of person that just bounces off relationships? I would call it ‘the case of the rebounder’ but this is on another level altogether. What am I talking about here?

Recently, I’ve been asking myself under what circumstance can cheating be classified? Is it when you move behind your partners back and have a ‘mpango wa kando’ or when you plainly lie to your spouse about a certain event? I guess that can be cheating but you’re doing it to another person. What about when you’re doing it to yourself?

This is my other version of cheating- a single person having multiple spouses; simple and clear.  You might think, what’s wrong with that, after all, that person hasn’t committed themselves in a relationship. Who are they really cheating on? Well my answer is that you need to understand the motives of such people. They are the biggest cheaters, not just to anyone but themselves.

When you commit yourself to someone, it’s sort of like a vow. You feel obligated to fulfill your promise to this person without being forced. But when you’re single, you tend to think that you don’t owe anybody anything. It’s like a field they say, where you’re free to ‘play the game’. So you date as many people as possible and soon enough the players on the field are narrowed down to a few important individuals. That is inevitable because interests and tastes must be compatible, right? Let’s go to the real life scenario now.


I’m a single person ‘dating’ three potential mates, each one with their own unique personalities. You feel happy when you’re with all of them because they are different and you like that. Its like three people in one. Today you can call up this one, the next day that one, and so on, whatever…you’re hanging out and having ‘fun’. Soon enough, you get attached to all of them and you’re like damn, who do I choose? And because you don’t want to deal with that now, you shrug and push it to the back of your head; next time you say. What’s the worse that can happen?

Statistics will show that not many people regard that as cheating, merely a safe way of dating. But isn’t that using others in the wrong way? I’m thinking this person doesn’t want to choose because they don’t want to get stuck with one person, and they feel that if they do, they will be losing out. Wrong. They are just afraid of commitment. They want to be free of any relationship obligations. If you’re doing this, I may just go ahead and call you a big bluff…there I said it!
It’s not a bad thing to sample the field for a potential mate, but don’t go too far with it. Don’t cheat yourself that one day you’re going to wake up and feel that he or she is ‘the right one’. It ain’t going to happen. Strong relationships are built on ample time, trust and hard work. Don’t look at that guy pulling a chair for his lady at the restaurant, or look at a lady who respects and grudgingly adores her man and immediately want someone like them. You don’t know the sacrifices that these people made to get there. Maybe they were once people who would never be considered as potential spouses.
Truthfully speaking, it’s selfish playing with one’s feelings, making them hold on to false hopes that one day you’ll make up your mind. It’s definitely not fair to them and yourself. Reality is that there is no perfect person, so dating several people at once to attain your view of ‘perfection’ is plain illogical. You are lying to yourself. You might be happy but deep down you know that you don’t really have a strong foundation with anybody. Make a choice and stay true to yourself, because if you don’t, you certainly never will. And wouldn’t that make you the biggest ‘self- cheat’?

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