Dear John


Dear John

I now harbour serious reservations as to whether I should call him my friend. Due to the ambiguous nature of our relationship and my discretion as a writer lets call him “It” shall we? “It “called me quite out of the blues some time back .Apparently it had taken issue with some article I wrote for this site some time ago. Even over the phone I could sense its growing agitation. With the niceties out of the way it went for my jugular! It was speaking quite fast and I thought in passing to remind it of the recent drastic drop in call rates but thought better of it.

Its contention was that I had no business writing for a relationship column seeing as I wasn’t in one!  It pointed out quite rightly that it had been dating the same wonderful girl since we met in college eons ago. I managed to sneak in a subdued “congratulations” in between its growing tirade. It then went through a very short list of the women it knew I had gone out with since it has known me.

It did not stop there. Far from it! It accused me of “misleading a crop of single and impressionable young men with your particularly misguided aggrandizement of the male role in relationships “ It went so far as to accuse me of  “pushing your lofty ideals and imagined grandeur that is your thinly veiled misogynistic agenda”. Its  words, verbatim, not mine.  A picture of its “wonderful” girlfriend hovering over it flitted through my mind as these obviously well rehearsed lines came through.

At this point I was beginning to form a picture of the froth foaming at the corners of its mouth as it waxed lyrical in my numb ears! I swear some spittle came through the line along with all the vitriol he was spewing!

My contribution to this flaccid penile monologue had so far been the perfunctory “Hmmms” and “Mmmhhhhs” letting him know I was still on the line taking it like a man. I stifled a yawn and opted to hear him out when mercifully the line went dead in my hands. Obviously his account had gone below the ground time threshold!

I placed the phone at the furthest corner of my desk- a pariah amongst the other knick knacks strewn about. I let out a groan as it rang again afraid it was the harbinger of my gloom on the line yet again!  It wasn’t. I could hear a steady whirring in my eardrums, a tell tale sign that my mind was working up an adequate response in the background.

I smiled with some satisfaction as some well formed choice words strung themselves together effortlessly in my mind’s eye. However I have always considered myself to be a very level headed and open minded individual, so as I let the conversation swirl around in my head I consoled myself with that age old adage  “ Opinions are like assholes everyone has one .” This joker clearly had been blessed with one at each extremity of its anatomy!

As I watched the sun set later that day I felt my temper recede with it below the horizon and set about exacting my revenge. It’s not nearly as dramatic as it sounds. Trust me! In a moment of complete clarity I crafted for its benefit a “Dear john.”

Dear It,

I trust that you have been keeping well since you threw your last tantrum. I thoroughly enjoy sailor speak every once in a while so thanks for the refresher course this afternoon. I daresay you showed admirable form today!

I was a little disappointed by the lack of conviction in your diatribe though. It was almost as effective as a politically correct insult. What came out quite strongly however was your obvious frustration. Is everything okay on your slice of paradise? For a man in a wholesome relationship you came across a tad overwrought. Should you be facing some difficulty in this area drop me an anonymous line and I will do my best to sort you out.

Mind you my advice would be limited to getting into and out of relationships I don’t have a lot of expertise in the middle bits of the matter. Staying in a relationship has never really been my forte as you so blatantly pointed out in your earlier apoplectic state. I must confess to some concern as to your current mental state mate! You did sound a little off your rocker back there.

I for one fail to see the correlation between being in a relationship and writing about them. Don’t catholic priests offer their flock marriage counselling services? I hardly think they sit around with a bunch of paedophiles discussing little boys’ booty holes which am sure some would excel at!

Anyway old chap no need to worry about the impressionable young men whose collective future I might ruin. Im sure some padre somewhere beat me to it! Besides old chum I contribute to a sex and relationship column titled “Understanding Adam” not an agony uncle kind of thing at all. I do not proffer any advice. I am simply a humble scribe with the creative license handed to me, not by God, but my editor to unleash my outrageous theories on an unsuspecting readership.

Tell you what pal. I assure you that the next time I find myself on the precipice of the “Getting into a relationship“ stage I will seek your advice. You must be quite the authority on holding your tongue, disguising boredom, keeping your elbows off the dinner table, taking your shoes off at the door, opening and closing all manner of doors, leaving the toilet seat down, dispassionately whispering “I love you” and generally pretending that you give a damn about someone you are not related to amongst other things I have not had the good fortune to endure in my miserable single life.

Come to think of it I can always ask my mom any of these things and still get a blow by blow of how some relative showed up drunk to church last Sunday in the bargain. Heck I call my mum to carry out a random head count of my goats in shags! Tough luck old chum I might not be calling you anytime soon after all!

But as always I remain your humble servant

Alex Kadzitu

P.S. Next time you have the uncontrollable urge to dial my numbers do us both a huge favour and suck on a doorknob or something!

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