Unrequited love and moving on…

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June 18, 2010 – So I was reading some stories I had written the other day and trying to remember what frame of mind I was in when I wrote them. I came across a story I had written about a girl who wrote a letter to the love of her life telling him about her life (without him) and she winds the letter with a punch line about how the one time they had sex she got pregnant with his kid.

Coincidentally Charlene by Anthony Hamilton was playing then and I was like, “Oh here’s someone else who understands unrequited love.” Love songs sung with such emotion that belies a wound that, beneath the scar, really has never healed. A wound caused by emotional battles and eventual exhaustion with your significant other, who also happens to be your first love. The one who you gave your all to. The one who you gave 100%.

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After (insert number of months or years here) of dating, and it does not work out, is it possible for someone to move on and give their all (be it mentally, emotionally, physically, materially) again? It took me three and a half years to get over my first love and actually consider even dating again. It took me three years to stop contemplating calling him to just “hang out”. It took me three years to finally pass by his house and say, “Wow I really loved you” without breaking down and crying. When we broke up, Dru Hill had just released their latest album Dru World Order, and I wrote out all the words of “I Love You” in the form of a letter and sent it to him. Three years. Now, almost seven years later, I have gone through the I-hate-men-so-much phase, then the I-like-you-but-don’t-expect-anything-more-from-me phase. I dated a few guys but nothing super serious that made me think that I could see a major future with so-and-so.thinking_608440328.jpg

Now, I believe I am OK. But am I capable of giving my all again to someone else? When I think of self-preservation, I say no. I do not think that I have the strength, or even enough heart left over to go through this again. Is this fair to the other person? Never. But again, self-preservation dictates, to me, that I’d rather give 80% to the other person as opposed to 100% so that in case it fails it will hurt, but definitely not as bad as giving my all. I don’t know. That is how it seems to me now. I may or may not have met a person who has convinced me that they are worth 100% of me despite all that I have been through, but I know this for sure: it will be something else.

I asked a couple of guys for their opinion and one guy summed it up for me: If you ever see a player or the so-called bastard man, just know it is a woman that he loved that turned him into what he is today.

So, ladies and gentlemen, what are your experiences when it comes to first loves? Have you succeeded in moving past that and loving someone wholeheartedly again? Is unabashed love possible second time round? Do share.

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  • Coco Malaika

    @Ruth and Diana: Thank you for your comments. I can't lie and say that I know the answer to that… Many years later I fell for someone.. and I sincerely thought that this was it. Unfortunately things did not work out and I have just kept to myself. I am not sure if I can even bring myself to contemplate a relationship… But I guess, as the others have mentioned, the only way is to just get up and dust yourself and move on… Easier said than done, I know, but is it worth staying in the same rut because you are afraid to take a risk? Again, I do not know the answer to this dilemma that I too am facing… 😐

  • skitah

    I to have experienced the same thing.Giving your all to your first love,& then he dunps you.It's even worse where you lose him to his ex[he goes back to hi ex girlfriend].He doesn't even tell you that its over,you just realize that you are all alone.But you have to understand that you have to live a life of your own without having anyone control it.If he is moving on with his,why not you.I'm happy to say that i'm in love again,which i never imagined it would ever happen.

  • Well put!
    Check out a similar topic at {http://ogeezone.blogspot.com/2011/09/mututho-laws-need-more-teeth.html}

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