I’m privileged to be on the payroll of 2 great employers, at least according to some ‘reports’ making rounds on social media. I’m lucky enough to be in the top crème of the middle-class bracket. According to some well-wishers, in addition to being employed by Capital FM, I also earn from the Machakos county Government by writing propaganda PR articles. Alfred Mutua pays me a whopping 0.5 M every month. And guess what? I received the hilarious news with as much shock as many of my colleagues and friends who know me.
Because the person who wrote the story forgot the first rule in propaganda; make it believable. Because if they did a bit of research on my life, they would laugh at their own hilarious accusations.
Anyone earning 0.5 M per month can be spotted from a crowd, especially if he is Luo. It’s not possible to earn that kind of money and keep it on the down low. My lakeside genes would not allow me. I would bid goodbye to baggy Eastleigh suits and have Hugo Boss himself take my measurements for a perfect slim fit suit. I would buy Rihanna’s latest album and command her to deliver it herself.
I would have a wedding with a Latino bride, a US photographer, a European caterer, a Caribbean island destination wedding and a honeymoon in space. I would be sipping a Grenache Red Wine from France.
I would not be sharing matatus with IEBC protest survivors who smell of teargas and frustrations. I would be having my own Mercedes E class with a chauffeur, a PA and have traditional dancers in sisal skirts complete with Mursik receive me when I go back to my house every week. It’s the love of money that is sinful, not the money itself.
My dream of joining the richest landowners of Kenya would be swiftly realized. With 0.5 M per month as salary, you can literally buy a province. Getting a bank facility would not be hard at all. I wouldn’t need to line up with others as I beg the bank manager to have mercy on my starved pay slip and give me a loan. With 0.5 M a month as salary, you can even buy your own oxygen, stock for the Government enough teargas in readiness to combat IEBC protestors every Monday and finance sponsors. The Luo in me cannot live a modest life when we have the power to finance a good life. But do I say?
With 0.5 M, I wouldn’t be living in some godforsaken unfinished house in Thindigua. Even the name of the estate betrays its class. It’s a good substitute for leafy suburb neighborhood where one gets fresh air without breaking the bank but compromises on amenities. Every time I pass through Kilimani, Kileleleshwa, my heart tells me that I’m supposed to be a member of their resident’s association but the size of my pay slip always disappoints me.
I come from Kano plains and heck yes I have political ambitions there. Earning 0.5 M a month is enough to finance a good campaign for the member of parliament of Nyando in 2017. With a few Harambees and support from friends, clinching the seat can easily be a walk in the park. I can eventually join the important members clubs and drive a guzzler and finally earn one of the most coveted titles in Kenya, mheshimiwa.
500 K is the kind of money you spend and you still have enough remaining. Bank Otuch as Luos would call it. Because only a privileged few have seen or touched 0.5 M in cash. Many bank accounts of those employed only see such amounts of money when they take loans.
But I want to thank the person who believes in my dreams. I want to thank the person who believes that this humble son of Kano is worthy of earning 0.5 M per month by writing propaganda pieces for Alfred Mutua. May my pay slip receive a slap of increment. May my current salary be detonated so that the 0.5 M dream becomes a reality. May the favor of a salary of 1 million shillings per month pierce me like a sword. Lord I’m ready to be a billionaire.