Meet the real Housewives of Campus

When I joined campus one thing was clear to me: I had joined a community where the ‘finest women’ in terms of class and breeding are made and I had to remember my manners all the time. My cousin Harriet (RIP) gave me ‘the talk’ the night before and among other things she warned me was never to do household chores for my boyfriend and to always insist on CDs if I ever ummm… You can therefore imagine my utter disappointment when my high hopes were dashed upon realizing that campus is in fact a breeding ground for ‘real housewives’ albeit without the pampering and glitz of their USA counterparts. They are of two types: the ones with college boyfriends and those with ‘working class’ boyfriends.

Their version of a weekend at their boyfriend’s…

Friday: Poor Vee is single (and broke) and is not looking forward to the long boring weekend at school. On the other hand is her hyper roommate – the sort you secretly wish to be like when you are done being a freshman. She always has something going on in her life; if not a house party at some uptown estate she will be clubbing with her friends. She has the elusive ‘working class’ man for a boyfriend and Friday mornings will constitute her bragging to everyone about how she is going to have a good time at the boyfriend’s. There is shopping mentioned somewhere in between a lavish dinner and drinks at ‘that hotel’ in town.

But in reality what really goes on…

My former high school Headmistress had made it her business to remind us that ‘marriage is not a career’; to the real house wives of campus however, this is full time business. They abandon their assignments and skive their Friday classes to hop onto the next economy class bus to their boyfriend’s place. Reliable sources indicate that the weekend kicks off by doing their bf’s month- long laundry before ironing them like proper housewives! Next they will be doing a sink full of dishes (yaaaawn!) before thoroughly scrubbing the equally dirty house. Did I mention being sex- slaved somewhere?! Someone take me to Atlanta or L.A already!

Meanwhile, back at campus…

I totally love my nails and anything that damages them is an enemy. I am staring at my laundry in between watching endless movies and wondering why miracles no longer happen. I could clearly do with a campus boyfriend who could volunteer to do my laundry on such days! Bad idea; on my way to a male hostel to get more movies I encounter not one but an entire population of ladies doing laundry at the male hostel clothe lines! Surely if this is the description of love some of us will die single. Where do people get the energy to go washing boxers and things like that for their boyfriends? We are all in campus and have got work to do so how exactly does doing house chores for a boyfriend fit in? It does not end there; I hear the more discreet real housewives of campus carry their boyfriends’ laundry to wash at their places to save face. Afterwards they go buy food (and alcohol) for their boyfriends using their own money! Did I mention being sex- slaved again?! Damn!

To this day I know clearly that no man deserves such exclusive services from a woman unless they are in a marriage (and she is comfortable doing all that) or she is getting paid to do it! The last time I was in a relationship all I did was prop my legs on the sofa while drinking tea and nagging him about how long he was taking to do our combined laundry! Now that is more like a ‘real housewife of campus’, those doing donkey work are fakes! Being an ‘educated housewife’ should come with perks, alar!

Capital Campus :Get all the info you need about campuses and colleges in Kenya and beyond. Jobs, internships, college sports, career advice, student politics and leadership, finances and much more