Hilarious: Confessions of a bachelor & WhatsApp chats!


I am seated on my desk, glossing over her photo album just basking in the sheer beauty of this lady. A thought crosses my mind about asking her what’s the craziest thing a guy has ever done in a bid to impress her. Little did I know I was about to find out the answer first hand in the ensuing minutes. As I was still lost in my thoughts, I received one of those long awaited messages from her. The way it took long, it reminded me of the days in high school. As we wrote those love letters to our crushes in other girls’ school, we would embark on the long wait for a reply from them. That was the longest wait ever. But before we sent the letters, we would dedicate all our energies, flipping through the dictionary and literature books looking for the perfect expressions and figures of speech that we hoped would guarantee the melting of the recipients heart and earn us bragging rights among our peers.


So I eagerly open the message while my heart is racing fast with excitement like a calf that has seen the mother after a long day.

The way the message began, “Unfortunately…,” my heart swiftly sank into my heart, “… I’m not in the same place….” I swallowed a huge lump of saliva, but the pain I felt in my stomach was like that of a leaked digestive acid corroding my stomach. In that moment, I almost regretted sending the message that stirred this response.

I am a straight forward guy when I like a lady, it’s always Khumundu Khumundu. My wild and rugged nature take over and declaring my intentions without mincing words is like child’s play. I find it energy sapping having to go around in circles, trying to approach the runway akin to an aircraft that is trying to land across strong cross winds blowing past an airport.

Could it be that this tactic ain’t working? So I ask myself. After wide consultations, I decided to change tact on this damsel who was seeming elusive like the presidency to Ole Kiyiapi. “…am really really sorry but I am not looking to get into anything right now..” now I am thinking to myself- “Do you know patience is my second name when it comes to such matters? Besides who said I would mind losing time with someone like her? That is of course if there was anything such as losing time in the first place because as far as I was concerned every moment spent chasing her was a solid investment, a chapter in itself in the story I would narrate to my son in future about how I wooed his mother. And whichever the case in the event I never get her, thinking about her to me isn’t an effort in futility”. I never the less continue reading the message from her, “…feel like I’m wasting your time and efforts so it’s just better, to be honest. Again I’m really sorry.”

Upon reaching the end of that message, I felt a huge a sigh of relief due to the laser focus and brutally honest manner with which it was delivered. Before I collected my bruised self, another conundrum arose, what would be the best response to that response?

I needed to find the perfect choice of words that would clearly but concisely communicate my unwavering interest in her yet be respectful and accommodative to her concerns too.  I paused for a while thinking of the proper combination of words that would convey my thoughts. Then an idea popped into my mind, who else did I know who has been given the gift of the garb in abundant proportions other than my former campaign manager in campus, a longtime friend and partner in crime whom I trusted to deliver killer punchlines? I swiftly went ahead to open up to him about my predicament and I informed him I needed advice on how best to package and convey my thoughts to this damsel, and my good friend not being one to disappoint took my thoughts and accurately but in a more colorful and appetizing way created words out of them.

I initially was chatting using the computer version of WhatsApp which made it easy to proof read prior to sending but my colleague called me to find out if I was available for lunch and I promptly obliged to the offer. I quickly copy pasted the response from my friend to this damsel replying screen proceeded to carefully and meticulously begin editing it to customize it to requirements as I walked out of the office to meet my coworker. Once I was through, I reviewed the message to counter check up to the last statement I had reached and then swiftly I pressed the send button, all this time I was still walking and catching up with my colleague about work related matters. The embodiment of my dreams was online on the other end, therefore, I thought I should capitalize on her attention while I still had it.

Now this is where I would recommend that you sit up properly and pay closer attention, I have heard of something called karma, others would refer to it as “madimoni” or “saitan”. The excitement of sending a killer response to the woman who had knocked me off balance a few minutes ago had gotten the best of me. No sooner had I pressed the send button than I saw the remaining portion of the message with the name of my friend and his name complete with the time stamp as an icing on the cake. This had initially remained obscured from my sight.

Have you ever wished that the ground would instantly open up beneath you and literally swallow you alive? I hysterically tried to remove the phone’s battery to prevent the message from being sent but it was too late… The incriminating evidence was already out of my hands. By this time, we had already arrived at the restaurant.  I was initially hungry but the mess snatched away my appetite and flew away with it. Not even the mouth-watering buffet options paraded in front us could stir my hunger. All I wanted was to be swallowed right there so that the embarrassment could at least be forgotten.

I fumbled on how best to manage the situation, I frantically texted my accomplice and informed him that I had just scored a potentially decisive own goal. The cocktail of facial expressions I exhibited and occasional laughter of horror at my stupidity sold me out. My colleague was bewildered but I couldn’t share my predicament. Mwanaume ni kukaa ngumu. I wondered, how could I not have seen that? Were the gods punishing me for a certain sin that I had not repented of? But Lord, I pay my tithes, I go to church and I don’t steal from the poor, how did this disaster befall me? This humble man simply wanted to crush the head of the bachelorhood, but why did I have to dive into this kind of mess?

Why didn’t I scroll that message to the end or sent it to my other WhatsApp line to verify if everything was in order before finally sending it to this gorgeous lady that had won over my heart? Was waiting till I went back to the office so hard? What will she think of me? Saitan.

Moral of the story? The trouble we have to go through to bend over backward in a bid to win a lady’s heart… hata heri kucatch grenade kama Bruno Mars. To be continued…

Contributor: Ian Khisa



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