Of late, there has been a lot of outcry from us men about the dwindling moral levels of the modern lady. ‘Madem wa siku hizi wameharibika,’ has become a trending statement, The truth is, ladies can’t get ratchet without the ever present male audience. Ratchet chics believe that men are fond of their ‘mask’ lifestyles. There is some truth to this but only to a minor extent. As a man, I might be more inclined to desire thighs that look lovely but only appear in glimpses from a decent skirt rather than the ones I see exposed all the time. Be careful with sexual appearances. A lady who seems volcanically passionate is often hiding insecurity, multiple misdemeanors and self-involvement.
When making a choice between bad girls and good girls, there are two things that men consider. If it’s fun for just a night, we align our conquests towards bad girls but when we are looking for a life partner, we go for the good girls. Bad girls never make you wait for too long before dropping the goodies. The fun begins as soon as the chemistry is sparked. With them, you have a free pass to all manners of fetishes without necessarily negotiating. It’s the endgame that counts. Sometimes it’s hard to tell who is ratchet and who’s perfect. Here’s how you do it.
If your chic has mastered more than five sex positions, she’s ratchet. Too much variety calls for too much work that you might not be able to fully handle. There’s a possibility you will end up with an assistant you don’t know of: an assistant who hits it harder than you do. If she uses e-pills every month or funny shaped birth control pills from China, don’t wife her, she doesn’t care about kids. Wifey material girls’ ought to have a good attitude towards kids. A good attitude towards kids begins with safe sexual practices.
The length of courtship (number of days before sex takes place) can also tell you if a girl is ‘wifable’ or not. A good girl, will toy with a man’s insatiable desire for sex. She creates patterns of hope and despair so as to make faint hearted men quit. A bad girl is different; she doesn’t care whether or not you using her. She’s the type of girl that will lie to you that you are the father of her kids whereas in truth, the watchman or driver is the real father. Ratchet divas feel glad when sex ensues. They love it; Facebook sex, romps with strangers, drunken sex and orgies. Some don’t end up remembering who they slept with.
If your object of affection never asks for money, don’t wife her. ‘Wifey material girls’ ask for money. They gauge how responsible you are- your ability to provide. No good lady wants to be with a stingy or broke man who won’t buy Weetabix for the kids. The amount and purpose is what differentiates good from ratchet. Bad girls ask money for things they can afford themselves.
Whenever you are having financial problems, a wifey type of girl will offer to help you out if she has the money. She will even insist on loaning you the money so that you don’t suffer. A ratchet chic worships money. She can never offer a lending hand even if she’s able to. Whenever you are undergoing a financial crisis, she’ll keep her distance. Such is the kind of lady that will leave you once you get fired from your job. She’s the same the kind that will begin harassing you when she starts earning more money than you.
‘Wifey material’ chics prepare delicacies and amicable cuisines- the kind of meals we always looked forward to from our mothers when we were kids. The ones who aren’t very good cooks, always do their best to learn. Such chics will prefer that you buy chicken, then go cook at your place rather than get into a pizza joint. Yes, I said chicken, blame it on my roots.
Ratchet chics are as frustrating as it gets when it comes to meals. You buy her chicken then she ends up taking only three bites. They prefer going to restaurants rather than cooking. When they cook, their meals taste like vegetables from Alcatraz. Sometimes they forget they’re cooking, resulting in a meal of ‘sukuma choma’. Even worse, they refuse to eat and demand that you go get yoghurt from the shops. She says, “I don do burnt mboga…dude, who does that? It wud be cwaizy!”
By welfare I mean, yours and hers. ‘Wifey material girls’ are mindful about the appearance, status and progress of their boyfriends. These girls will insist on seeing your result slip like a parent. They offer their advice on various issues regarding your life. They drive you away from things that are bad for you. They never mind doing household chores for you. They themselves conduct their persona in a decent manner. They dress decently for the public eye and seductively for your eyes.
Ratchet chics don’t care about your welfare, they only holla at you when you are the man of the moment. When your ratings decline, they disappear and go on seek the next big thing. Their minds are preoccupied with their own concerns. They do anything to get money and opportunities. These behaviors leave them sidelined to single-life or to the troubled arena of side dishes.
Written by Philip Etemesi (KU)