Ladies, welcome to the members club. Feel free to order for anything, bill on me. I am normally a teetotaler but for today I’ll be having a triple dry Martini. I suggest you do double tots and above. This is not a story fit for the sober mind. This is a story we should all forget once we are sober and back to our lives, inspired by the Oprah Winfrey show. This is not a story ‘True Love’ will ever tell you. It is not a story ‘Eve Sisters’ will tell you. Nevertheless this is a story we all have to hear. All clear, I hope there is no man still around. Twende kazi:
Quick questionnaire. All sections have to be filled clearly in capital letters, bold and underlined where necessary. Blanks will not be entertained.
1. When was the last time a total stranger hit on you, asked for your number and invited you out for a REAL DATE? (Please stay informed that ‘total stranger’ does not include men on social media, men you met in bars, married men, colleagues or schoolmates).
If it’s more than three months ago take your first shot within two seconds and feel free to say any cuss word. What a misogynistic world we live in!
2. Do you suddenly feel empowered to hit on men too? When was the last time you hit on a guy? (This includes conscious flirting, unnecessarily complementing him, offering to cook/ clean for him etc).
If your response is positive, make your drink a triple and ask for lemon slices from the bartender.
3. Do you have a gang of girlfriends you hang out with regularly? Do you have ‘ladies night/day out’ where you spend time trashing your ex’s and men in general?
If you answered in the affirmative, you should get a front row seat as the session proceeds. Feel free to start drinking your Vodka straight from the bottle.
4. Do you suddenly feel empowered to have several random flings purely for sex? Are you warming up to the idea of ‘friends with benefits’? Do you objectify men?
If yes please move to the counter.
5. When was the last time you got a freebie from a man out of pure kindness? I am talking free drinks at the club, unsolicited airtime/cash, offer to pay bus fare etc?
If you find yourself creasing your forehead to answer this question please proceed swiftly to the next question.
6. How busy is your phone apart from work- related matters? (Please let’s kindly keep juvenile things like WhatsApp/FB/Twitter notifications out of this). Does your phone only get busy during weekends as team mafisi look for random women to kill the cold with? Do the supposed men who hit on you only call and text during weekends or holidays?
Positive? Drink on sister, drink on.
7. How is your dress sense now compared to say, 3 years ago? Would you describe your fashion sense as bold? Are you daringly showing more skin now?
Showing more skin? You should be crawling back to your seat.