Hello there, have you been building your company for over five years and it’s now time to blow it to the ground? Do you believe that it is time to take it down to the lowest level and into obscurity? Lately do you feel compelled to become a corporate suicide bomber who wants to take his company and all his employees down with them when you detonate? You are in luck, because today I will give you 10 tips on how to destroy your organization and turn it into the worst disaster yet. I will show you how you can single handedly kill your dreams and the livelihoods of your employees like a boss! You can thank me now because you won’t be able to thank me later because well…kaboom! So let’s get down to our demolition business.
1. Use fear as a motivator
This particular one works wonders on a biblical scale. There is nothing that is more gratifying than seeing your managers tremble when they address you. In fact seeing your employees duck from your path from the corner of your eye just makes your day. Of course this means they often will tell you just what you want to hear but then again it’s good because there’s nothing that beats a good report. They lie because they fear you but what do you care? A company is built on positive reports only. The rest are just excuses.
2. Have a million meetings a day
Don’t you just love meetings? Yeah me too! You see, being a leader means you have to know how the business is doing from every angle. The only way to do that is to meet everyone personally. Make is an all day long affair and meet the crucial people 50 times in a day. That’s right! Make sure you assign deliverables at the end of every meeting and get entertained by watching your people panic because there’s not time to do the assignments. Why? Because you still need them to come to your office for a briefing 2pm, 4pm and a COB meeting! But hold on, during their interviews, all your employees said they worked well under pressure right? Well you’re just doing what they asked so it’s not your fault. Next meeting please!
3. Micro-manage the idiots
You’re often suffering from burnout because you can’t seem to trust your people to do the job well. It seems you have to follow up everyone to do their job. It almost feels like your employees don’t report to you until you go to them. I know that feeling all too well. In fact I emphasize with you especially when you have to be away from the office because you fear you will come back to ruin. But worry not, you are on the right path, don’t let them be creative in their work because they’re always going to do the wrong thing. You are the only one who can deliver excellence and it will make you sleep better if you have assurance that your people are meeting their objectives every minute of the day. So load your phone credit and get cracking, the work isn’t going to do itself until YOU do it!
4. Work them 24 hours everyday of the week
You work everyday of the week with no holidays and no pay for extra hours so why should they (employees) think they have the luxury of attending their kids’ birthdays? They don’t have a clue of how life works because work is LIFE. You work to eat. You work to pay school fees for your children and without work you don’t have anything. You are constantly telling them that work is therapeutic and you stand by your word. They have no clue how much work it is to play golf on a weekend and discuss business in the process. Hell, they don’t know how crazy it is to do 10 miles on the treadmill at the gym as you ‘strategize’ on the direction the company should take. Even your vacations and retreats are all to the betterment of the company. As the boss, your time off is just for work but their time off is just an expense to the company in precious man hours. They should know. So go on be frank with them, make sure they’re working all weekends and public holidays. Ensure they never go on leave because the business will come to a standstill. And hopefully if they die [God forbid] while on duty, you’ll have a replacement quick enough to ensure the business is not affected.
5. It’s the process that matters not the result
I know you’re wondering how I read your mind. I totally agree with you on this one! You see these millennials are always looking to cut corners. They don’t know that the longer the process of a project the better the outcome. In the spirit of keeping abreast with every angle of the business, processes and reporting are the indicators of success. So don’t let your guard down, formulate a process for the sales guys and demand for a report from the tea lady. Demand time sheets for your creative department and ensure they give you a written process of how they came up with the company flyer. Long processes waste time but what the hell, we are here to run down your company right?