How to break up with a toxic friend (with a little help from a REAL friend)

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toxic-friendship

by Yolisa Qunta

I have a friend. Actually, because I’m a socially well-adjusted person, I have plenty of amazing friends whom I consider family.

This is the tale of how I ended up being minus one friend

Breaking up with a romantic partner has become a lot easier thanks to technology: a few days of unanswered blue tick messages and most people get the hint. Breaking up with friends is a lot harder (as I found out last week).

Because life doesn’t respect me, I was knee deep in books for exams, thinking about packing but not doing much actual packing, and trying to navigate the raging egos that normally surface at any family gathering involving more than five people.

Into this mix dropped a young woman I hadn’t heard from in a while

I first met her about six years ago through mutual friends when we had all started working and were living our Sex-and-the-City lives. Much of our interaction took place at parties, clubs, on yachts and at recovery brunches at various restaurants.

I had sort of picked up that there were issues in her life, but since I avoid drama the same way Eddie Murphy avoids birth control, I chose to avoid that side of her life.
Fast forward to the present moment

The group had splintered slightly. Some of the posse got married and had kids, others married and moved overseas. Our interactions were mostly via Facebook and an annual reunion with the overseas bunch.

Then I contacted this person. I needed to ask her for a reference for a service provider, but felt bad about starting with, “Oh, hey, we haven’t spoken in three years, but what’s your mechanic’s number?”

So I started with small talk and we swapped numbers. She spent the next two days Whatsapping and calling me constantly to update me about every single bad thing that had happened to her in the past two years. In great detail.

Ignoring these glaring red flags, I kept entertaining this nonsense for another day. So when she called me sobbing the next day and saying she felt very low, was afraid of harming herself and didn’t want to be alone, I invited her to stay over at my place.

I did let her know that I was studying and she would need to entertain herself. I also pointed out that the family function was on Saturday and she would need to be gone by then. This conversation took place on Tuesday.

Over the next few days she proceeded to test my patience in the following ways:

1. When I invited her out to dinner, she ordered the most expensive dish on the menu, ordered two cocktails, sent both back, argued with the waiter about what was wrong with them and complained the next day when my sister ate two spoons of her leftovers.

2. Claimed she wanted to stay at home, then shouted at me because I was going to a swanky launch for work and I hadn’t told her, so she had nothing to wear.

3. Insisted on going back to her flat every day to do super-important things like meet her personal trainer and made me pay for the Uber every time.

4. Invited herself to farewell drinks with my best friend of 20 years, kept me waiting 15 minutes while she got ready – and then when I tried to hurry her up, informed me that white women needed 20 minutes to blow-dry their hair

5. At said drinks was awfully rude to the waiter, refused to order food, took a few bites of the food we ordered (then criticised it for hours), and then ordered two shots of alcohol and a glass of wine after last rounds were called

6. After consuming these drinks and three bottles of wine between the three of us, she tried to wrestle the keys to my press car (meaning a car the manufacturer lent me for a week, in the hope that I would write a favourable review), out of the sober chauffeur’s hand, betting him half a million rand she could drive safely (insert Madea side eye).

7. The next day when I offered for a family member to fetch her from her flat after another of her inexplicable appointments, she shouted at me for changing plans and demanded an Uber that she wouldn’t pay for instead.

At this point my patience (which is ordinarily low) reached its limit

I had already made a date for farewell drinks with another of my oldest friends, Shelley Armstrong, who is one of the nicest people I know.

She is sweet, slightly shy, a gorgeous blonde, single mom, killer poker player and generally one of the most chilled people I know. So, because I’m living a carless life, I asked Shelley to stuff this person’s bags into her boot while we waited for another hapless male to deliver them to the ungrateful wretch.

Over a very chilled bottle of wine I told Shelley my drama of the week – and she totally lost it

Understatement of the week.

As I told the story, my awesome friend (who I had never heard raise her voice in my presence) turned into a fiery dragon.

She snatched my phone, demanded the password in a tone that brooked no refusal, then proceeded to respond to the ungrateful heifer’s demands in terms that indicated that playtime was over. I was so scared of this new her, that I decided sipping wine and choosing dinner was my safe place.

After FOUR HOURS of about-to-be ex friend messaging and trying to pull all sorts of manipulative stunts (which Shelley calmly and efficiently blocked), it appeared the siege was over.

In order to ensure follow-through, Shelley insisted on driving back to my house after dinner and gathering every single item that the ex-friend had left there, to return to her so she would have no excuse to contact me again.

As you can imagine, the transaction of nice guy dropping the stuff off was fraught and I did get several thesis-long messages letting me know why I was a bad person for doing this.

Luckily I’m more grateful to and low-key terrified of Shelley to respond to the bait.

The moral of the story?

So I guess the moral of this story is: don’t worry if rubbish friends try to take advantage of you, because when that happens, your real friends will rise to the occasion and protect you from yourself when you need it the most. Cheers to that!

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  • baraza

     Shocking stuff, there, from the chief beneficiary of the PEV which he authored through similar war-like utterances; shocking stuff from Kenya’s Co-principal, Prime Minister and the man who is also the supervisor and coordinator of all government ministries! This is sheer recklessness; sheer heartlessness; unbridled sadism and hatred; total lack of wisdom and statesmanship; satanic foolishness at its best! What did he expect to achieve by peddling such venom;
    · Is he trying to provoke Kenyatta, Ruto, their allies and their supporters; does he want to provoke the Nandi/Kalenjins and the Kikuyu/GEMA to boo and/or stone him, et cetera; is Raila trying to provoke civil strife, violence, bloodshed, et cetera; if so, what does he expect to achieve from the bloodshed; are the British, US, EU, et cetera or even the ICC trying to use him to create a volatile situation that will enable them to execute the warrants of arrest “already in place”, against Kenyatta and Ruto;

    • aluko

      After all that Uhuru and Ruto have said and done and continue to do in their prayer rallies and parliament, what did you expect the PM to do? Intention of tabling forged documents in parliament was to incite Gema and Kalenjins against Mr. Odinga. You know very well that ICC is not investigating President Kibaki and insinuation that when Raila becomes president he would easily handover Kibaki to ICC was reckless to say the least and needed a very strong response if not reckless of equal proportion.

    • Jack_Abondo

      what was the G7 trying to achieve by tabling the forged document?what was the G7 trying to achieve by constantly mentioning Raila adversely in the “prayer” rallies? who is trying to provoke who? why didnt raila react on the 23 of january? war-like utterances? saying that O2 should be behind bars is a war-like utterance?

      • kevin mbuthia

         was it yours ..mseme nini huyo mtu kiti hatapata…

        • aluko

          Amen and Amen!!! If this is the cost he has to pay for standing firm against the lords of impunity and crooks. All we know is Kenya is freer today because of the sacrifices he has made.

        • Robert

          Do you think electing him to the presidency would be a favor? Please…..remove the log in your eye before you see the spec in other’s. From the comments attributed to the secretariat, I don’t see any call to communities to take arms. It is about individuals. The folks are accused in their individual capacities, it is just that the myopic thinking of some Kenyans that make the entire charade tribal. Please think beyond tribe, besides the two folks are very capable of responding to the matters

        • Jack_Abondo

          why is the focus on hiyo kiti asipate?why not focus on the O2 getting that kiti?now that reality is sinking it..it is no longer about G7 winning it is about making sure hiyo kiti asipate?TUTAONA

    • kevin mbuthia

       uko fine huyu mtu ana shuda na htaki kuisema

  • Mar

    William Samoei Ruto, the chief beneficiaries to PEV just offered to return 100 acres to his IDP victim.

    • Williamdave

      He wants to return 100 acres of land to an IDP victim? Well done sir. He should also return the untaxed gains he has made as a result of usage of the land for the last four years and as well compensate the IDP for legal fees.

  • Nasimiyu

    Its good Raila has finally responded..These other two guys have been too combative and are not even apologetic for what they sponsored to harm fellow Kenyans!..Its about time someone said the truth

  • kevin mbuthia

    huyu nusu mkate ndiye anasema hivi..if he raila is a true kenyan the money he is using to advert propaganda and hatred to communities concerned with this matter ..he should hava sacricefice even a 1/4 to feed these hungry IDP
    SO this man is just a dictator…WE DONT WANT HIS STATEMENT.HE SHHOULD START PREPARING HIS CVs AND GO APPLY JOB AT HAGUE …

    • aluko

      So much money has been used to organize prayer rallies and to ferry people to them. Uhuru is one the richest men in Africa and Ruto has bought 3 helicopters to be used in his campaigns. Why hasn’t this money been used to settle IDP’s? You reason like child.

      • Klo

        Raila should demonstrate how he cares about IDPs by leading in fundraising towards helping the internally displaced persons. We already know Ruto and Uhuru are not sincere but Raila can be different by from them. So the the guy is a political thug just like the latter two men. He has not long term plan but only to prove the luo can be elected as president. Everyone knows a luo will be elected a president one day but allow God timing to prevail. Raila  you not proven how you can fight corruption, tribalism, nepotism ….. but i reckon you should be hired as soccer reporter.

        • aluko

          “…..So the the guy is a political thug just like the latter two men”  then tell me how do you deal with thugs? When thugs attack you and call you all sorts of names, how do you deal with them? Read the whole document and you’ll notice that Raila wants this recurrent political thuggery every election year to come to an end. Giving IDP’s hand-outs and re-settling them elsewhere will not bring a lasting solution. People who have been responsible must be brought to book.

  • Ukweli

    Is this the change Kenya is going to get after next electiong???????????  God forbid!!!!!!.  Kenyans think very well who you vote for and press that the elections will be fair and free of rigging.  Anyone else is better than this psychopath.  Note that Amin, Sadam, Mobutu, Popot, Pinochet, Gadaffi, Hitler and other despots all were psychopathic.

  • Info

    Tell Uhuru never to get that close again – anyone who can say all these stuff about you can do any harm to you.

  • tausi

    Unless you have been in a cave you know Raila has nothing to do with the fact that Uhuru and Ruto today face charges of mass murder and rape in Kenya.

  • Kino

    Based on Raila’s latest utterances, i can conclude we need a sober leader capable of making right judgement based on the situations. A leader who displays sense of wisdom all the time. A leader who is ready to lead all kenyans. Raila is foolish and not capable of governing a polarised and diverse nation like kenya. I hope kenyans can judge this guy before the main general election

  •  pot calling the kettle black

  • Mwalimujared

    Very well said. We all know the real beneficiaries of the post-election violence. The still want to lock the whole of their communities into their predicament. We are brighter mr Ruto and Uhuru(Sic), Mr Ukoloni

  • Mwalimujared

    It is only fools and morons who think Raila is responsible for Uhuru and Ruto’s predicament

    • Korongemulinge

       I don’t think so. If Raila is directly responsible, that is a valid argument BUT it is factual that he is indirectly. Raila wrote to the ICC and the UN to insist that the 2 leaders should be jailed in the Hague. His stance on Uhuru and Ruto as being guilty as charged played the key role that led to the disagreements of between the veto yielding powers esp the UK.

  • Pratt

    Raila doesnt fit the bill. He only specializes on deceit and illogical approah to issues. Obviously brother Ruto and Uhuru are Kenyans that need our sincere collective sympathy. However, when we pray for them, Raila is not happy. Of course he thinks they are moving away the earth under his feet! So what Raila is saying is that a serious national matter that he actually precipated, we should not bother to pray for our dear brothers. We should,  according to Raila, keep on helping him to win the presidency regardless of the shame that he brought to the country. We say no! If he doesnt believe in God thats his problem. He can continue pursuing his stuff from whatever to arrest us to vote for him. IT WONT HAPPEN THIS TIME ROUND. A national leader is not supposed to play selfish divisive politics. Our Odm fellow is becoming Kenya’s South Africa’s Mogusuth Buthelezi in run up to the first multiparty elections there. While he was involved in wanton killings of fellow Africans, he depicted himself as savior of the very same people. Raila after using tribalism and killings to become a do-nothing prime minister, he is now shamelessly telling us he is not a tribalist and was never the unleasher of violence that claimed so many lives. Perhaps the fellow genuinely believes in his empty lies! Kenyans must take NOTE OF SUPPOSED LEADERS WHO VISIT VIOLENCE ON US AND TURN AROUND TO RIDICULE US. The sadist claims to have won 2007 elections when he cant even give figures! Apart from his win in luo infested slum constituency, Raila has never won any election at all. In Ford-Kenya he miserably failed. In Kanu, after he was seduced by president Moi, he left literally screaming. And in Odm Kenya, it was even worse for he was left partyless. He had to desperately reach lawyer Mugambi Imanyara for conditional salvation. Technnically to this day, Odm belongs to Imanyara.  

    • Balistic

      Boss, stop being a tribalist, state your point maturely leave tribes aside, FYI not all Luos support RAO, he doesnt pay our bills

      • Pratt

        What are you saying? You seem to be missing the point pal!

    • Williamdave

      Well said though it is wholesome trivial, skewed in every respect and only reveals not only raila phobia in you but also your sycophancy to some other people. Next time also try to express your sincere “collective” sympathy to IDPs and any land or any other property in your possession ensure you return to them.

      • Pratt

        The hypocrisy employed by Raila is the same same one you are putting in play here. You dont say anything but empty stuff and still pretend to have said something important. There is no Raila phobia here because he is not even given to winning any way. You cant be afraid of somebody who hardly wins. Why do you think he is talking about having won 2007 elections? Because thats the only time in his life, through tribalism, he came close to achieving any real feat. Thus, he cant forget it even when we are in another election! Talk of a false “reformer” who cant change! He is supposed to be seeking our support to win but not insulting other leaders. 

  • mzalendo

    is there someone to moderate the comments being posted by bloggers…some the comments posted here are an embarassment to this blog,immature and out of the topic…guys Kenya ni Mimi na Wewe..not Raila and O2 .when this country burns the three fellows will pick their immediate families not even (cousins or brothers!) to safe havens and the rest of us tutabaki hapa tukitupiana mishale,mawe na kukatana na mapanga on the highways…otherwise I also wish to know the authenticity of Charles Kilonzo’s document…i hope its not another scheme to balkanize the tribes of kenya.we have all seen what most RV people have been to believe and it has somehow worked…now the same cast but different script is about to be taken to mountain region by trying to drag our beloved president in it.Kenyan watch out!!

  • Memba67

    We have a new constitution because of people like Njoya, Muite, Rao, Imanyara and these are the folks who brought change in this republic so far. There is no name like Ruto, Kalonzo,or Uhuru resonating among those who wanted to see Kenya change. The later were sarogates of impunity who wanted to scufle change from the very get go. These ICC suspects did a lot of harm and its not a secrete, Ruto is just now returning Land he had looted during the chaos, and that was the key agenda ” ya kuondoa madoadoa rift valley” Ruto was the architec.
    In retaliation Uhuru organized and funded the so called Mungiki to destroy luos and other tribes in Naivasha.
    Kenyans knows all these facts, kenyans are no longer fools, these time around not even your money will be able to buy a vote, its time to vote with our heads and not with our stomachs or ethinicity.

  • Kirdim

    Raila my not be the benefeciary but his greed of power is creating such an impression.I also do not think that if the 4 suspects are jailed even for life there are any kenyans who would feel that justice has been served. These are issues that are political and demonstrate the western countries unwelcome reforms in Africa…. “for their self intrests”

  • Beatmuthm

    raila can you sell your policy and we meet on the ballot if you think your smart the way you want us to believe and leave those who you believe  are munderer short out their issus

  • D.B.N MAINA

    Raila is his own worst enemy he betrays his real self with his own actions overriding the glossy picture he loves to con a section of Kenyan society with presenting himself as the ultimate reformer and potential wholesome solution to Kenyas problems,-ve ethnicity included and which by the way he is the biggest perpetrator off,his skeletons will prevent him from ever being the president of Kenya,and you can take that to the biggest bank in the World…

    • Pratt

      I entirely agree pal. Raila is a cheat that has taken the country in circles for far too long. He thinks we are little kids that can be fed with falsehoods all the time. Implemention of the constitution is behind schedule because of the REAL WATERMELON ever on prowl for our advancement. He puts brakes on nearly every item in order to serve his selfish interests. But when things turn differently, he is the first to claim credit. Remember he was telling us if not justice Omollo, we should get someone from outside the country? And when he realized that neither Omollo nor  foreigner were fitting the bill, he quickly heaped praises on Dr. Willy Mutunga after he won the post. Apparently, “if it were not for him poor Mutunga” would have not landed the job! Was Mutunga ever his choice or failure means another choice? Kenyans watch this gifted conman.

  • Korongemulinge

    The coming year will be a referendum on policies, ideas and how to take Kenya from the dark world of poverty. It will not be a year to dwell in law issues since Kenyans have already set a legal framework on leadership, integrity and the rule of law which Uhuru and Ruto adhere to fully. Raila’s call is desperate and one that tries to reverse our steps. If he thinks there is impunity, he should table evidence and go to court rather than trying to clout the minds of Kenyans with false and biased assumptions about the guilt or innocence of Uhiuru and Ruto. After all, Uhuru and Ruto are the best presidential leaders because they ‘sema na kutenda’. 

  • Korongemulinge

     If Raila is directly responsible, that is a valid argument BUT it is
    factual that he is indirectly. Raila wrote to the ICC and the UN to
    insist that the 2 leaders should be jailed in the Hague. His stance on
    Uhuru and Ruto as being guilty as charged played the key role that led
    to the disagreements of between the veto yielding powers esp the UK.

  • Korongemulinge

    I don’t think Yata Mp would table a document from ‘no where’ that contains such weighty issues!

    • Pratt

      He was duped in tabling Raila’s fake doc!

  • Pratt

    What you are saying is that Njoya, Muite, this Rao and Imanyara were opportunists at the time, building names for themselves to claim the high table at this point. When sacrifices are made my friend, they are not supposed to be future reward items. Thats where Raila and his folks get it all wrong. Raila, apart from wearing empty bravado, contributed extremely very little in terms of change. But being the master of deceit, he has really tried very hard to twist facts in his favor. The truth of the matter is that when clamour for multiparty was on, he was rotting in prison for failed tribal coup. Remember Ochuka and his several Os? And when it came to referendum on new constitution, he illogically twisted facts to the extreme. He had to be kept on reserve benches to allow success of YES campaign. But since few folks knew what was going on, he quickly moved from fake hospitalization to claim credit for passage before amendment and even incredulous ownership of the document! 

  • malboro

    Reading most of your comments fellow citizens have left me wondering if the whole discussion is about tribal contest.No much shouting ,abuses will liberate Kenyan’s from the shackles of their day to day life.If i was at the chair i would call for ORDER…..ORDER.Kenya as a country is owned by the 42 tribes not RAO  or the O2 .Let the  O2 be reminded that they are not the only people from Kenya who have been accused to stand trial…just to remind the public they are O4.How come the O2 are the ones blowing loud trumpet about their case? There is a case before ICC, there is need for the O2 to play patience and tolerance as they wait for the trials.Calling for political rallies in the name of prayers with an aim to win sympathy will not help but  supposedly  dilute the case…..It only but shows the world how tenets of impunity are chorused.No amount of name dragging and name calling will help save the situation.Why incur large bills transporting people to your rallies across the country when IDS are still suffering in camps?Why transport people to Bomas of Kenya to parade up for press coverage for URP on credit then the same bus owners turns to demand their payment of services rendered through the press?That is a shame!!!!!!      Patience and tolerance as their lawyers prepare their defenses is the most wise and proper thing to do.Driving Tribal emotions to the case will not help but dilute it.For now RAO and the O2 i suggest the referee to hand you guys a yellow card.We all know facts that the 2007 PEV  was used as a means to settle the accumulative anger over aborted  skirmishes that were  familiar in Rift valley and it’s environs starting in 1992 ,1997  and 2002.

  • Really Concerned

    I feel the PM. He may not be perfect, but he’s honest here. Our Hague brothers have been telling us no more than “We have taken the legal position of  innocence, and we are determined to defeat the prosecutor at the trial. But if we did anything, which we deny having done, then we did it for you our tribesmen, and so we are all collectively guilty”. They have then tried their utmost to rally their respective tribesmen to “be with them no matter what”, against Satan, the ICC and, for  unexplained and unclear reasons, the “common enemy” , the PM. They are now starting to put their respective tribes into an “Assad or Mugabe”  “we against the world” posture. They further want their tribesmen to put them into power as the tribal guardians and protectors. Surprisingly, many of the tribesmen, even the educated, are fervently falling into line. What good does the country expect from such “leadership”??. 

  • Ukweli

    It appears some bloggers have been hired to vist all forums and support all posts that are in favour of Raila and oppose all those that support others and one blogger submits several posts on the topic.

  • Pratt

    Rply to Malboro

    Obviously you are fronting for Raila while skillfully pretending not to be a square tribalist. However, if you have followed the discussion well, Raila has wittingly or unwittingly declared himself the enemy within. We have maintained that he used his “flower gal” in the Hague to fix his opponents. And instead of responding to that weighty plausible accusation, he resorts to distorting facts. Now he is clearly setting the stage to have brothers Hon. Ruto and Hon. Uhuru detained by ICC. Doesnt that amount to confirmation of these accusations? Why is he opposed to prayers? Whats so wrong if those prayers are turned to his bashing given the aforesaid? I thought ICC cases came out of political issues, how do you seperate the two? However, I thank God Raila’s illogic is driving him to his political grave. We cant have a leader who is clearly an ocean of rapant lies, mischief, malicious propaganda and even murderous pronouncements. If he cant use his brain to handle himself properly, how would he be able to handle 40m Kenyans? When he has problem with critical thinking, for he has often resorted to brutal force to get his way, PEV being a very tight example, how would he, God forbid!, fit the bill as head of state? He doesnt have any negotiating skills and patience to deal with people at all! In most cases he lapses in to thuggery. Even in his backyard of Nyanza, people have had to lay low to avoid his wrath. Kenyans obviously at this point in time, require a leader who is diplomatic, coupled with alot of patience that can genuinely heal the country. Raila is a total faliure in that. Infact, his THUGGISH CONDUCT IS THE ONE WHICH HAS BEEN TWISTED AND PRESENTED TO COUNTRY AS HIS REFORM AGENDA!!!! 

    • Jack_Abondo

      who is railas flower girl at the hague?i would realy like to know this person you speak of. when you say we have maintained that he used his flower girl…who does this we refer to?raila is not opposed to prayers but “prayer rallies” where the main agenda is raila bashing.there is a big difference to praying (what happens in the first ten minutes  of the prayer rallies) and personal attacks on raila (which happen for the rest of the so called prayer rallies). God will not be mocked and if you think it is ok to turn prayer rallies into a platform for bashing raila then you are dead wrong.God will not be mocked

      btw: your argument is invalid. who chose the hague option?

      • Pratt

        Do your homework properly. Certainly you dont expect us to give names, do you? Those who know who is who in Hague wont even ask that question. The problem is that tribal loyalty is choking you up. You want to defend your village idol while armed with very little indeed. What if I told you I know hotel rooms and hotels where meetings were held to advance your idols evil schemes? When you are my political enemy, I cant just shut up because you want me to do so. ICC issue cant escape politics given that its grounded on same. Your village idol is therefore supposed to extracate himself from accussations with facts. Not just to come up with old tired stories that no one believes. His actions and pronouncements have confirmed beyond doubt that he is using ICC to advance his hopeless political adventure. It wont work pal even you force it. By the way, who doesnt see Raila’s strategy is to give ICC enough reasons to have brothers Hon. Ruto and Uhuru detained? A fellow claiming to be a leader but unable to withstand criticism is definitely living in the past. He has a name: a serial lying dictator!

        • Jack_Abondo

          i am hoping when the time comes, you will stand up and defend your brothers. the evidence you have is crucial and might well prove the tipping point.i am defending my village idol only with what is in the public domain.i am not your enemy,politically or personaly and i dont want you to shut up, i want you to expound on what you are saying but since you have chosen to keep your names,hotel rooms, and hotel names to yourself…i cannot argue further.as for the old stories that no one believes…i have told no stories but have asked a series of questions.raila has not and will not give the ICC any reasons to detain WR and UK,raila is not as powerfull as you imagine.

          i ask again: who chose the hague option?if you answer this question correctly,all will become clearer to you.i wish you a nice evening

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