When an African man loves his woman…

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So many African men are hurting their women in the name of “African culture”. So many wrongs in society are tolerated because they have been justified by the way African men are perceived to be. It is time to correct this nonconstructive perceptions…

1. “An African man can’t tell his woman I love you”

An African man’s heart is not any different from another man’s heart. When an African man loves his car, he will tell people about it and show off; when he loves his success, he will talk about it; when he loves his woman, he will tell her and the world. If a man finds it hard to telling and showing his woman he loves her, that is just his ego taking over or it could be, he actually doesn’t love her. African man, you live only once; if you are truly committed to your woman, what are you waiting for to show love to her? Why are you bothered by what people will think?

2. “African men are not romantic”

It doesn’t matter what colour of skin a man has, when he is attracted to a woman, he will charm and woo her. Romance is not just pulling up a chair for her or writing her poetry; romance is everything a man does to make his woman feel special, melting her heart with deeds and words, looking out for her. African man, why are you in the name of culture excusing yourself from pleasing the woman you used to romance during courtship? Your heart wants to love her, don’t stand in the way

3. “African men must be polygamous”

This line has been used by many African men to justify their affairs. An African man is capable of committing to one woman just as he expects her to commit to only him. African man, chasing after another woman yet you vowed to your wife to be faithful to only her has nothing to do with culture, but everything to do with your weak character and strong levels of selfishness

4. “An African man must have many children scattered all over”

Too many African men are dead beat dads, too many African men have sired children all over. Far too often, it is a common scenario during the death of African man that the women they have been with and their children, show up to want a piece of his inheritance. This is nothing to celebrate, no matter how successful the man is. This is the manifestation of poor leadership. A man leads his home, he brings about order

5. “An African man must beat his woman if he loves her”

Sadly, even some women have come to accept this lie. Love doesn’t hurt others. A woman is not a slave to be beaten up in order to toe the line. She is the pride and joy of a mature man. Hitting your wife is a sign of how immature you are

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6. “An African man cannot do house chores”

A man works hard, not just at work outside but also in his home. The home is the man’s castle. In his castle, he can offer to cook, he can clean the compound, he can make the bed with his wife, he can paint the walls, he can change the light bulbs; he reigns in his castle. His wife is not his house help to order around, but his queen. Sometimes he asks her, “What can I do to help?”. Before he married his wife, he used to live alone as a bachelor and he used to do house chores. Why should things change and dump all his mess and responsibilities on his wife, now that she is with him?

7. “An African man loves only big women with big assets”

The image of a woman that an African man likes has been made to be that of a woman with a big bum or big chest. But every man is different, there are many African men loving petite, small, not so curvy women. To each his own. African men, stop making other women feel not beautiful enough

8. ” An African man should be worshiped at home”

Some men have taken this ‘head of the family’ stuff to the extreme. Just because they are the husband, they want to be worshiped and revered at home. African man, leadership is not about being feared but about serving and giving yourself for the happiness and peace of your home. Don’t grow a big head, your family needs you. Come down from your false deity throne

9. “An African man cannot be corrected by his woman”

There are African men who pressure a fellow man when the wife corrects him or disagrees with him. They mock the man he is being sat on by his wife and he should put her in her place and show her he is the boss. African man, you will not always be right. Your woman will sometimes call you out or have a better idea than you. Listen to her, she has alot of interest in your life, she is looking out for you. You are married to her, not your friends. The moment you chose to commit to a woman, it stopped being just about you, no more “I” but “We”. She is your partner, discuss things with her. This is not a battle of the sexes, this is love, this is marriage. You need her, she needs you

10. ” An African man is a sell-off if he marries a white woman”

Some African men keep off looking for love in a different race, scared of being mocked. African man, it is wonderful to celebrate your roots, but incase you find love in a woman from a difference race, love her. You will not be any less of an African, you will be a man in love. Love knows no tribe or race

11. “An African man must have a big penis”

It has been stereotyped that all African men have a big penis, putting pressure and discomfort in African men with a small manhood. African man, embrace the man-hood God has given you. In bed, remember pleasing your wife is not about the size of the body or the organs of the body; but about skill. Bring you “A” game on, you African king

12. “An African man is not a man if he is not circumcised”

A man is not defined by whether he has foreskin or not. He is defined by his character, his heart, his values, his love, his confidence as he is. Stop arguing and insulting other African men with a different opinion on a small part of the flesh, don’t be petty

13. “An African man must have a son”

African man, it’s not a must that your first born be a son. It is not a must that you have a son. If God gives you a female or male child, be the best father regardless of gender.

FATHER

14. “An African man loves his daughter less”

This foolish notion of African men loving their daughter less than the son because she will get married off to another family must stop. This foolish notion of looking at daughter’s as an income revenue stream to gain dowry must end. This is your daughter, never let her grow up feeling unwanted or goods for sale. Your legacy can still continue in your daughter, just like in your son. Empower your daughter and you will never regret it

15. “An African man doesn’t cry”

If men were not made to cry, they wouldn’t have tears. Men can cry, they can cry as they worship their God, they can cry when death of a loved one knocks them, they can cry when they are touched. This hardened view is what makes many African men hurt silently inside and then the hurt gets manifested in harmful ways on others. It is OK to be human. Find your corner, cry sometimes. Turn to your woman, breakdown in her embrace sometimes. It will help you heal and live

16. “An African man shows no emotions”

It is OK to hug your children, it is OK to be vulnerable, it is OK as a man to say when you are hurt, to show your emotions. It is called living life. Don’t numb your emotions yet you only live once. Feel, African man, feel.

17. “Parenthood is for the woman”

Many African men are absent from their children’s life thinking that is not their role, that fatherhood is just paying school fees and providing material needs. No, fatherhood is about being present in your children’s life. You cannot shape and mould your child from a distance. We have too many adults who have grown up wishing their dad was there to love and mentor them. It hurts when you have a father who is alive that you are not close to. How sad it is when some African men are quick to blame their wives when their children turn out wrongly and quick to take credit when that child they are distant frfrom turns out well

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18. “An African man is wealthy if he is big bodied or has a big tummy

A ‘kitambi’ is not necessarily a sign of wealth, but a sign of lifestyle. For some, that big tummy is actually cause to worry for his health. Look at President Paul Kagame of Rwanda; he is one lean wealthy and powerful African man

19. “An African man cannot apologize”

Too many African men are hurting their wives, their children, people around them and don’t care to apologize because hey, an African man is never wrong. African man, why are ruining relationships in the name of misplaced culture. Be the bigger man, do the right thing; say sorry

20. “An African man cannot adopt a child or raise another man’s child”

African men rarely adopt a child. Many African men frown at the thought of loving a single mother as they say “Why should I raise another man’s child?”. African man, honour comes from being a father figure, not only to your biological child, but also to children who don’t share your blood but can share love with you. Love is thicker than blood

21. “An African man cannot serve his woman”

Many African men expect their women to serve them, to be at their beck and call, massage them, look after them; yet they can’t do the same in return. Love is demonstrated by acts of service. If you love her, massaging her, checking up on her, pampering her when she is pregnant will not feel beneath you. You will enjoy making her smile. Put down this misplaced culture and love your wife. She will love you even more in return. Women respond very well to love

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Dayan Masinde

Dayan Masinde is a Nairobi based Kenyan artist specializing in Poetry, Fine Art, Portrait Art, Murals, Creative Writing, Music, Illustrations and Animation. He is often described as "The Artist Inspired by Love" because of his use of artistic expressions to inspire, celebrate and help understand the mystery of love. His poetry book "WHEN ANGELS MAKE LOVE" is available for purchase worldwide on amazon.

  • Baide

    This means am not an African man? The must be our great grand father

  • Eugene Sande

    great piece of writing, you have set record straight

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