(By Jennifer S. White) Talking, hugging, making love, listening – this is what we need to experience and enjoy with every ounce of our souls. And sex? It’s huge. It’s important.
I wanted to call this piece something “mature” yet catchy, like “When Sex Can’t Be the Band-Aid”. My husband, however, suggested “From Ballin’ to Crawlin:’ Can Your Relationship Survive Without Sex?”
Because, the thing is: I’m not a “sex” writer. Nope. I’m a mom, and a yogi, and a this and a that – but I don’t write about sex.
Except for now I do, and I will – about something that I believe fully in; about something that lately has been regularly reinforced as a serious truth in both my relationship and my life as a mother.
And here it is: An outright declaration that couples planning a family should find other ways to connect intimately, besides sex, before having kids.
Because all couples think they will be that special, magical couple who still has a hugely invigorating sex life, after kids.
There, I’ve said it.
Don’t worry, we all think this, or no kids would likely intentionally be made in the first place – if you like sex; which I do. So this, please consider, is also written from that standpoint. (I’m so sorry, mom.)
Yet, it’s a universal joke for a reason: Having sex with kids in the house is a whole new ball game – hahaha! Sorry again, but it’s a reality that we need to have other ways to connect.
Our kids learn to communicate from us.
Children see the way that their parents exchange differing opinions, the way that we hug, or don’t hug; the ways that we embrace – in words and arms and lips – in front of them.
Kids see everything.
But, as a couple, if our main way to reconnect and get close after a blow-out or a “discussion” is sex, then we’re in for potential trouble.
Sex can be an easy way out.
It can be a mind-blowing experience that we pretend means soul-mate love, or it can be a way for those of us who are otherwise well-matched to reconnect after a bad experience. Sex, though, is no longer the easy way out when you have kids.
Instead, it becomes planned (well worth it), or perfectly timed (again, well worth it) or ignored (ugh) or placed on the back burner (place it on the front burner of the schedule again).
Because, yes, sex should be something that we make important, and that we make time for – but, that’s a different article, no? – but trust me when I say that it cannot be the main way that couples engage in communication or play if the relationship is going to have longevity.
So what else can we do?
Here are five suggestions for couples who want to get along well, so that they still want to have sex:
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