Are you a jumpoff / Mpango Wa Kando?

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Today we’re going to tackle this really tricky subject. How do you know if you are a jumpoff or MWK? Yes, some of us have no idea where we fall. Let’s start with the definition. According to the Urban Dictionary, a jumpoff is a casual sexual partner or girlfriend, a woman of dubious sexual practices, a mistress or a person that is usually only being used for sex while the man is married or in a serious relationship.

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1.A while back I had a thing with this dude. Started off in the usual way…met at the club, one thing led to another and before you know it we had a ‘thing’. Trouble showed up when I insisted on defining the ‘thing’. He said I was his ’special friend’. All of a sudden we had issue after issue and finally he broke up with me. And shortly afterwards, he was ‘in a relationship’. So if you find yourself being introduced as a ’special friend’, you are an MWK.

2.He says he can’t stand crowds and wants to spend ‘quality time’ alone. So he always comes to your place with those bootleg DVDs from stall number nini…You rationalize it by saying it’s cheaper than Silverbird tickets, 3 black ices at the local or kahawa at Java. The real secret is you’re a MWK and you are just being played. He takes wifero out, and stays in with the MWK. It’s the main rule of having a MWK.

A jumpoff is a casual sexual partner or girlfriend, a woman of dubious sexual practices, a mistress or a person that is usually only being used for sex while the man is married or in a serious relationship.

3.You can never understand his facebook status or twitter coz of all the subliminal messaging going out. Dude ako na mistari but is never specific. You question him. He responds with something like: “I’m hurt that you would even question that. If you have to question it, then no those weren’t for you”. Or better yet, “Why does the whole world have to know our business?” You’re definitely a MWK.

4.When you call him, it’s always ‘mteja wa nambari hapatikani kwa sasa’, only for him to call you right back like a minute or 2 later. That’s because he had to walk out the house in order to get some privacy to talk to you. Some days he might even pick up, only to place you on hold while he walks out of the room to see what you want. There are high chances you’re an MWK.

5.This is very important, so pay attention. If you’ve never been to his house, could be because he claims he has room mates (which you have never met) or you’ve have been to his house, and he has no furniture, only an air mattress, a crate of Tuskers, a shoe box full of Hot condoms and maybe a Playstation (his pal’s crib) or he claims he lives with his parents. Be careful coz you just might be a MWK.

6.If he’s trying hard to set a date with you for the day before or the day after Feb 14th, or he simply stops by in his work clothes with some flowers from Nakumatt, a Hallmark card, a big teddy bear and gives you a kiss, gets a quickie and bounces. You might as well consider your self the MWK of the year.

7.When that time of the month rolls around, you have to check his twitter updates to see if he’s still alive. You should probably start adjusting to your MWK status and get a hobby to fill up that time of the month.

8.Show up unannounced one day at his place. If he’s not happy to see you or worse, if he peeks through the window and doesn’t let you in, you’re a MWK.

9.You try to cuddle with him and get shut down. His excuse:  ‘A real warrior does not cuddle.’ Once again adjust and play your position as MWK.

10.Last but not least, when you start questioning where the ‘relationship’ is heading, you get a bit over-excited about your pals’ weddings, and you casually bring up the topic of what he thinks of dowry, and all of a sudden he’s too busy to make time for you and his phone is permanently switched off. Please just resign from the post of MWK and consider other opportunities.

Hope I’ve helped you figure out exactly where you fall…

 

 

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