The evolved Nairobi woman?

 

(By Gideon Kariuki) Almost 6 years of being in Nairobi I am a still in a culture shock; The Nairobi woman shocks me; she is not like the humble Jerutos I was used to in Eldoret. The Nairobi woman earns a salary of 10k yet stays in a bungalow worth 40k… you wonder how she raises the rent. She will always have flu yet she has no idea that KenKnit still makes sweaters that can keep her warm. Well, she made the petticoat go extinct and now she is working on eliminating the bra and she will complain that men are ogling at her breasts…though she is as broke as a mouse in Kibaki’s Statehouse, you will find her always at Java…where I come from ‘going out’ means going to the toilet at night but to the Nairobi woman it is galloping from one club to the other with her gang of equally confused girls… this woman shocks me.

Other women would be proud to share their bed with a child but this woman has a brood of ugly teddy bears named after her exes that she tells stories of her escapades ..’you see Johny, today this jamaa angaliad me and I angaliad him so we angaliad each other. Imagine’ This woman cares about her artificial hair more that she cares about her head…she would rather suffocate herself with a polythene bag than see water drop on her ‘weave’.. and when she goes to sleep, the stocking on her head makes mosquitoes think it is Halloween and they don’t need that woman in the Doom advert to do her tricks..This woman would tell you she is ‘watching her weight’ when she is watching the plate full of chips and half chicken that she is slowly throwing into her mouth at KFC …The Nairobi woman would rather quench her thirst with Smirnoff than cold water..and she does not feel hungry ,she gets a craving. This craving at times makes her think ice cream is a meal…

She has this phone that is ‘self –contained’ but she cannot afford airtime..and when one of her sweeties sambazas airtime she calls her gang of girls to tell them how ‘Alejandro’ cried in the Citizen TV soap and they do their ‘aki woiyees’ together ..she shocks me when updating her status is not climbing the social ladder to become a more respectable woman whom a man of my good up bringing can wish to call ‘Mama Boyi’ but means changing her relationship status on Facebook from ‘in an open relationship’ to ‘single’ because Johny forgot that it was the anniversary of when he bought her a teddy bear…

The Nairobi woman loves pain, she loves to be pricked, you will find her face with many rivets, screws and bolts that she calls earrings, nose rings, eyebrow rings, tongue rings, lip rings etc and she complains of violence against women while she violates herself. You may think she loves rings but try to put a wedding ring on her finger and her gang of girls will make her disappear without a trace…The Nairobi woman does not need to see the size of your wallet to know if you are loving and caring enough to be her Friday Night date, she can smell legal tender even if it is 2kms away. She will make you pay for a 5K ticket to take her to watch Tarrus Riley yet the crowd would be so huge that you will not see him and you can buy his one song album at just 50 bob or better get it from your friend’s computer…

6 years and truly I need a millennium to learn that this is Shantal Michelle and not Abiscondita Tsiaukhorekhukholelokho, the girl who migrated from our village to come to Nairobi for a BA degree in P.E at one of the Universities.

Borrowed from:campus254.com

  • http://twitter.com/carolinespencer Carolynar

    I read this story last week, Dude are you really in Nairobi ? LOL!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1144783821 Roch Rosair

    i said one day we will take our Kids to zoos to see how women used to look like

    • james

      i like… i like

    • Liza

      Why zoo? Just take them to your village. Or are you also lost in the city?

    • Mkenya

      Thats a nice one

  • http://www.facebook.com/jkisaka Kisaka Jeanneret

    stop complaining about the nairobi woman, just because she now plays the same game men used to play on women ages ago

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Barack-Kinanga/1080864499 Barack Kinanga

      hihihihihihihihihihihihi me still playing them ladies

      • Liza

        You are playing each other and that is a fair game

        • http://twitter.com/gokore george okore

          stories on sexuality is very complex for many of us to understand.

  • kosgey

    stop stealing stories from blogs, i read this three weeks ago

    • http://twitter.com/carolinespencer Carolynar

      The source is there! smh

      • Gina

        Yes SMH!

  • Uncle Sam

    This article just made my day. Freeze and shine is the new thing. Nairobi dont worry this disease is not only in Kenya it has even spread to Tanzania. when it comes to social life that is where we are best at. We even beat those who came up with the idea! Time to look back to the good old days.

    • Liza

      Oh yes, the good old days.

  • http://www.facebook.com/deezwasabi Derick Wasabi Kivisi

    So if its like this right now how will it be in five years to come?

  • joy

    uhmmm….. which nairobi women are you talking about? hehehe

  • mercy macheche

    hahahaaha seriously???? ati u see johnny that guy angaliad me n i angaliad him….my ka-rib just cracked

  • Kigobe Robert

    9robbeeee women…ohhh puleeezeeeeehhhh n gheeezzzz, dont you come to kampala to spoil our good girls who will ask for money for that show and insist to pay but when you go to the show, she is not there and instead sent the money to the village to buy her 3 cows for her future….

  • wmunyori

    You guy.. Kwani where do you hangout?? You need to change your circles PRONTO!

  • Liza

    I’d not read it before and it really tickled me. Mr Kariuki, 6 years in Nairobi and you still suffer culture shock? That is what we call malignant. No treatment. Just live with it bro.

  • MIKE

    MEN ARE STILL IN THE OLD AGE,,,just coz women can’t buy your crap doesn’t mean they have changed,,infact many women have money than men coz they are working so hard to raise their kids which men gave them and left, and are buying stuff for themsleves….men lets wake up…above all, mind your business if she doesnt ask you anything, let those who are reayd to spoil her do….

  • Encom

    It’s not bad for a woman to behave that way. Has she taken committed any crime? No. Let them enjoy. Anyway, the more they play the game, the more we enjoy playing the game with them. Liberation of women has just added sweetness into a man’s life.

  • steve

    why don’t they just go clubing naked instead of giving their selves a burden of putting on clothes

  • http://twitter.com/macmaina Patrick

    The good old days are gone. even in the villages…they are long gone. Women are the new men! Only that they will need atleast 5 men at a go to satisfy them!

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